Have I not passed from infancy to childhood in my present time? Or rather, it came to me and replaced infancy. Infancy has not disappeared – where has it gone? And yet he was no longer there. I was no longer a baby who could not pronounce words, but a boy who spoke was me. The elders did not teach me by offering me words in a definite and systematic order, as they did a little later with the letters. I have acted according to my own reason, which You have given me, O my God. When I wanted to communicate my heart's desires by shouts, various sounds, and various bodily movements, and to obtain their fulfillment, I found myself unable either to obtain everything I wanted, or to make it known to all whom I wanted. I grasped in my memory when adults named a thing and turned to it at this word; I saw it and remembered it: the word that sounded is the name of this thing. That the adults wanted to name it was evident from their gestures, from this natural language of all peoples, which is made up of facial expressions, winks, various bodily movements and sounds, expressing the state of the soul that asks, receives, rejects, avoids. Gradually I began to think about the signs of which are the words that stand in their place in different sentences and are often heard by me, I forced my lips to cope with these signs and began to express my desires with them. Thus, in order to express my desires, I began to communicate with those among whom I lived by these signs; I entered more deeply into the turbulent life of human society, depending on the orders of my parents and on the will of my elders.

My God, God, what misfortunes and mockery I experienced then. As a boy, I was asked to behave properly: to obey those who urged me to seek success in this world, and to perfect myself in the eloquence that human honor and deceptive wealth serve. I was sent to school to learn to read and write. Unfortunately for me, I did not understand what was the use of it, but if I was lazy to study, then I was beaten; the elders approved of this custom. Many people who lived before us paved these sorrowful paths along which we were forced to pass; toil and sorrow were multiplied for the sons of Adam. I have met, O Lord, people who have prayed to You, and from them I have learned, comprehending You to the best of my ability, that You are Someone Great and can, even while remaining hidden from our senses, hear us and help us. And I began to pray to Thee, "My help and my refuge": and calling upon Thee, I overcame my tongue-tiedness. Small, but with considerable fervor, I prayed that I would not be beaten at school. And since Thou hast not heard me, which was not to my detriment, the grown-ups; including my parents, who did not want anything bad to happen to me, continued to laugh at these beatings, at my great and grievous misfortune at that time.

Is there a man, O Lord, who is so great in spirit, who has cleaved to Thee with such great love, is there a man, I say, who in his pious love is so highly attuned that the racks, cats, and the like, for deliverance from which Thee is everywhere besought with great trembling, would be of no consequence to him? (Sometimes this happens from a certain stupidity.) Could he have laughed at those who were cruelly cowardly of this, as our parents laughed at the torment to which we boys were subjected by our teachers? I did not cease to fear them, nor did I cease to ask Thee to be delivered from them, and I continued to sin, exercising less in writing, reading, and pondering lessons than was required of me. I, Lord, had no lack of memory or ability, with which Thou didst wish to give me sufficiently, but I loved to play, and for this I was punished by those who did the same thing themselves, of course. The amusements of adults are called business, for children they are also business, but adults punish for them, and no one feels sorry for either children or adults. Will a fair judge approve of the beatings I endured for playing ball and forgetting to learn the letters with which I, an adult, played a more ugly game? Did the mentor who beat me do not do the same thing as me? If he was beaten in some question by a learned fellow, was he less choked by bile and envy than I was when a playmate got the better of me in a ball match?

And yet I have sinned, O Lord God, who restrained all things in the world and created all things; but only restraining sins, O Lord my God, I have sinned, violating the instructions of my parents and teachers. For I was later able to make good use of the letter, which, at the request of my relatives, whatever their intentions, I should have mastered. I was disobedient, not because I chose the best part, but because I loved the game; I loved to win competitions and was proud of these victories. I amused my ears with false tales, which only aroused curiosity, and I was more and more inclined to look with my own eyes at the spectacles and games of the elders. Those who arrange them are of such high rank that almost all desire it for their children, and at the same time willingly allow themselves to be flogged if these spectacles interfere with their learning; Parents want it to give their children the opportunity to put on the same spectacle. Look upon this, O Lord, with a merciful eye, and set us free, who are already calling upon Thee; release also those who do not yet call upon Thee; let them call upon Thee, and Thou shalt set them free.

I heard as a boy about eternal life, promised to us through the humiliation of our Lord, who descended to our pride. I was marked with His sign of the Cross and salted with His salt when I came out of the womb of my mother, who trusted much in You. You saw, Lord, when I was still a boy, one day I was so sick with sudden pains in my stomach that I was almost dying; Thou didst see, O my God, for even then Thou wast my guardian, with what spiritual impulse and with what faith I demanded of my pious mother and of our common mother Church, that I be baptized in the name of Thy Christ, my God and Lord. And my mother in the flesh, who with faith in Thee carefully nurtured in her pure heart my eternal salvation, in confusion hastened to wash me and commune me with Thy Holy Mysteries, O Lord Jesus, for the remission of my sins, when suddenly I recovered. Thus my purification was postponed, as if it were necessary that, if I remained alive, I should roll still more in the mud; apparently, the dirt of the crimes committed after this ablution was imputed to a greater and more terrible guilt. And so I already believed, my mother and the whole house, except my father, who, however, did not overcome the lessons of motherly piety in me and did not restrain me from believing in Christ, in Whom he himself did not yet believe. My mother has endeavoured that my father should be You, O Lord, rather than he, and in this Thou hast helped her to gain the upper hand over her husband, to whom she was superior to him, for in this also, of course, she was subject to Thee and Thy command.

Lord, I want to know, if it pleases Thee, with what intention my Baptism was then postponed: were the reins of my sinful inclinations released for my good? Or were they not released? Why, to this day, the word rings in my ears from all sides, now about one person, now about another: "Leave him, let him do it: for he is not yet baptized." When it comes to bodily health, we do not say: "Leave him, let him be wounded again: he is not yet healed." How much better and more quickly would I have been cured, taking care of this both myself and together with my loved ones, so that the spiritual salvation granted by Thee might be overshadowed by Thy shadow. It would have been better, of course. What a storm of temptations hangs over a person after leaving childhood, my mother knew this, and preferred that it should break out rather over the dust of the earth, which will then be transfigured, than over the image of God itself.

In my childhood, which was less dangerous than my youth, I did not like occupations, and could not bear to be forced into them; I was nevertheless forced, and it was good for me, but I did not do well myself; If I hadn't been forced, I wouldn't have studied. No one does anything good if it is against their will, even if a person does something good. And those who forced me did not do well, but it turned out to be good for me according to Your will, O Lord. They only thought that I should apply what I was forced to learn to satisfy the insatiable thirst for poor wealth and shameful fame. But you, "whose hair is numbered," took advantage of the error of all who insisted that I should study, and of my own reluctance to learn, and of my own reluctance to learn, and for my chastisement, which I fully deserved, I, a little boy and a great sinner. Thus, through those who did wrong, Thou didst do good to me, and justly recompensed me for my own sins. For Thou hast commanded, and so it is, that every disordered soul should bear its own punishment within itself.

What, however, was the reason why I hated Greek, which I had been fed from my early childhood? Even now I do not quite understand this. I loved Latin very much, only not what is taught in elementary schools, but the lessons of the so-called grammarians. The initial teaching of reading, writing, and arithmetic seemed to me as painful and painful as all of Greek. Where does this come from, if not from sin and worldly vanity, for "I was flesh and breath, wandering and not returning." This initial training, which finally enabled me to read what I had written and to write what I pleased, was, of course, better and more reliable than the lessons in which I was forced to memorize the wanderings of some Aeneas, forgetting my own; to weep over the dead Dido, who committed suicide out of love – and this at a time when I, unfortunate, did not shed tears over myself, dying in the midst of these occupations for Thee, O Lord, my Life.

What can be more pitiful than a miserable man who does not spare himself and mourns for Dido, who died of love for Aeneas, and does not mourn for himself, who dies because he has no love for Thee, O Lord, the Light that illumines my heart; Bread for the mouth of my soul, the Power that fertilizes my mind and the bosom of my thought. I did not love You, I was unfaithful to You, and cries of approval rang around the traitor. Friendship with this world is a betrayal of You: it is welcomed and approved so that a person will be ashamed if he behaves differently from everyone else. And I did not weep over this, but wept for Dido, "who was extinguished, who proceeded to the last limit" – I, who myself followed Thy last creatures, who forsook Thee, I, the earth that went to the earth. And I would be sad if I were forbidden to read it, because I could not read a book that I was sad about. And these stupidities are considered a more respectable and higher education than learning to read and write.

Господи, да воскликнет сейчас в душе моей и да скажет мне правда Твоя: «Это не так, это не так». Гораздо выше, конечно, простая грамота. Я готов скорее позабыть о блужданиях Энея и обо всем прочем в том же роде, чем разучиться читать и писать. Над входом в школы грамматиков свисают полотнища, но это не знак тайны, внушающей уважение; это прикрытие заблуждения. Да не поднимают против меня крика те, кого я уже не боюсь, исповедуясь Тебе, Боже мой, в том, чего хочет душа моя: я успокаиваюсь осуждением злых путей своих, дабы возлюбить благие пути Твои. Да не поднимают против меня крика продавцы и покупатели литературной премудрости; ведь если я предложу им вопрос, правду ли говорит поэт, что Эней когда-то прибыл в Карфаген, то менее образованные скажут, что они не знают, а те, кто пообразованнее, определенно ответят, что это неправда. Если же я спрошу, из каких букв состоит имя «Эней», то все, выучившиеся грамоте, ответят мне правильно, в соответствии с тем уговором, по которому людям заблагорассудилось установить смысл этих знаков. И если я спрошу, от чего у них в жизни произойдет больше затруднений: от того ли, что они позабудут грамоту, или от того, что позабудут эти поэтические вымыслы, то разве не очевидно, как ответит человек, находящийся в здравом уме? Я грешил, следовательно, мальчиком, предпочитая пустые россказни полезным урокам, вернее сказать, ненавидя одни и любя другие. Один да один – два; два да два – четыре; мне ненавистно было тянуть эту песню и сладостно было суетное зрелище: деревянный конь, полный вооруженных, пожар Трои и «тень Креусы самой».

Почему же ненавидел я греческую литературу, которая полна таких рассказов? Гомер ведь умеет искусно сплетать такие басни; в своей суетности он так сладостен, и тем не менее мне, мальчику, он был горек. Я думаю, что таким же для греческих мальчиков оказывается и Вергилий, если их заставляют изучать его так же, как меня Гомера. Трудности, очевидно обычные трудности при изучении чужого языка, окропили, словно желчью, всю прелесть греческих баснословий. Я не знал ведь еще ни одного слова по-гречески, а на меня налегали, чтобы я выучил его, не давая ни отдыха, ни сроку и пугая жестокими наказаниями. Было время, когда я, малюткой, не знал ни одного слова по-латыни, но я выучился ей на слух, безо всякого страха и мучений, от кормилиц, шутивших и игравших со мной, среди ласковой речи, веселья и смеха. Я выучился ей без тягостного и мучительного принуждения, ибо сердце мое понуждало рожать зачатое, а родить было невозможно, не выучи я, не за уроками, а в разговоре, тех слов, которыми я передавал слуху других то, что думал. Отсюда явствует, что для изучения языка гораздо важнее свободная любознательность, чем грозная необходимость. Течению первой ставит плотину вторая – по законам Твоим, Господи, по законам Твоим, управляющим и учительской линейкой и искушениями праведников, – по законам, которыми властно определено литься спасительной горечи, призывающей нас обратно к Тебе от ядовитой сладости, заставившей отойти от Тебя.

Услыши, Господи, молитву мою, да не ослабнет душа моя под началом Твоим, да не ослабну я, свидетельствуя пред Тобою о милосердии Твоем, исхитившем меня от всех злых путей моих; стань для меня сладостнее всех соблазнов, увлекавших меня; да возлюблю Тебя всеми силами, прильну к руке Твоей всем сердцем своим; избавь меня от всякого искушения до конца дней моих. Вот, Господи, Ты Царь мой и Бог мой, и да служит Тебе все доброе, чему я выучился мальчиком, да служит Тебе и слово мое и писание и чтение и счет. Когда я занимался суетной наукой, Ты взял меня под свое начало и отпустил мне грех моего увлечения этой суетой. Я ведь выучил и там много полезных слов, хотя им можно было научиться, занимаясь предметами и не суетными: вот верный путь, по которому должны бы идти дети.

Горе тебе, людской обычай, подхватывающий нас потоком своим! Кто воспротивится тебе? Когда же ты иссохнешь? Доколе будешь уносить сынов Евы в огромное и страшное море, которое с трудом переплывают и взошедшие на корабль? Разве не читал я, увлекаемый этим потоком, о Юпитере, и гремящем и прелюбодействующем? Это невозможно одновременно, но так написано, чтобы изобразить, как настоящее, прелюбодеяние, совершаемое под грохот мнимого грома – сводника. Кто из этих учителей в плащах трезвым ухом прислушивается к словам человека, созданного из того же праха и воскликнувшего: «Это выдумки Гомера: человеческие свойства он перенес на богов, – я предпочел бы, чтобы божественные – на нас»? Правильнее, однако, сказать, что выдумки – выдумками; но когда преступным людям приписывают божественное достоинство, то преступления перестают считаться преступлениями, и совершающий их кажется подражателем не потерянных людей, а самих богов – небожителей.

И однако, в тебя, адский поток, бросают сынов человеческих, чтобы они учили это, притом еще за плату! Какое великое дело делается, делается публично, на форуме пред лицом законов, назначающих сверх платы от учеников еще плату от города! Ты ударяешься волнами о свои скалы и звенишь: «Тут учатся словам, тут приобретают красноречие, совершенно необходимое, чтобы убеждать и развивать свои мысли». Мы действительно не узнали бы таких слов, как: «золотой дождь», «лоно», «обман», «небесный храм» и прочих слов, там написанных, если бы Теренций не вывел молодого повесу; который, рассмотрев нарисованную на стене картину, берет себе в разврате за образец Юпитера. На картине было изображено, каким образом Юпитер некогда пролил в лоно Данаи золотой дождь и обманул женщину. И посмотри, как он разжигает в себе похоть, как будто поучаемый с небес: «И бог какой, великим громом храм небесный сотрясавший! Ну как не совершить того же мне, человеку малому?»