On Faith, Unbelief, and Doubt

"And the heart says to me, Believe.."

Written almost half a century ago by the Russian bishop, theologian, spiritual writer Metropolitan Veniamin, in the world Ivan Afanasievich Fedchenkov (1880-1961), who by the will of fate knew the bitter bread of a foreign land, the book is interesting even in our troubled days, when moral guidelines are so necessary. Vladyka Benjamin shares his thoughts on faith, on the paths leading to the truth, on the place of man in this world, on the role of the mind, heart, reason and faith. He is not an outside observer of life, the creator of some philosophical constructions, but an interlocutor, conducting a dialogue with a sense of dignity." On Faith, Unbelief and Doubt"... This is the name of the book that is now offered to the attention of readers. The name of its author, Metropolitan Veniamin (Fedchenkov), is hardly known to the general reader. Until recently, the works of this brilliant spiritual writer were not published at all, with the exception of fragmentary publications in church periodicals. He was the author of excellent books on theology, inspired sermons, according to eyewitnesses, accessible, effective, and memorable. His memoirs, filled with deep reflections, read "in one breath", like an exciting novel - and all this is still waiting to be published. But still, speaking of the legacy of Vladyka Benjamin, it would be wrong to assert that his books were kept under a bushel, that the candle he lit hid from people's eyes for all these years. Fortunately, this did not happen. The books of Metropolitan Veniamin in the form of typewritten copies were kept in monastery and seminary libraries, in the homes of the faithful. They were read by seminarians and monks, pilgrims who came to venerate shrines, people who believed and doubted. And probably, for many, meeting with the works of Vladyka Metropolitan gave help and support, and perhaps lit a blissful flame in their hearts, illuminating the path to salvation. His books lived among the people with whom his fate was inextricably linked, whom he once called "the best in the world." Not because, of course, there are good and bad nations, but because he infinitely loved the people and the land where God destined him to traverse the field of life: the people in whose conversion to Christ he always believed and wished to work for it... And what is it, an accident? No, it is not an accident, it is clear that the wise word of the saint comes to us today. We are not talking about the notorious "possibilities" and "impossibility" of the appearance of books of this kind in Russia, not about favorable external circumstances, which in turn are also predetermined from above. No. The book "On Faith, Unbelief and Doubt" appears when we need it most. Vladyka gives His inspired word – the fruit of prayers and feats hidden from the world – to us, whether by virtue of our sins or the sins of our predecessors, who still continue to be negligent in the work of salvation, still wandering in the three pine trees planted by the inspirers and adherents of forced atheism. The "time is favorable": churches and monasteries are being opened, spiritual literature is being published, and the Word of God is returning to people's lives. Undoubtedly, interest in traditional Christian values has increased. And here is another book to help us. An answer to the "questioners of this age"; a quiet conversation with a spiritually experienced person. An interview, because when you read Vladyka Benjamin's books, you are involuntarily imbued with his spirit, his thoughts, you feel support, you receive good advice, guidance on the path of your search. The charm of the personality (in the highest sense of the word) of the author of the book encourages us to learn about him, about his life. The future hierarch was born in 1880 in the Tambov province, in the Kirsanov district, in a large and friendly peasant family. In the world, his name was Ivan Afanasyevich Fedchenkov. In total, his parents, Afanasy Ivanovich and Natalia Nikolaevna, had six children. And each of them was able to give each of them an education, higher or secondary, a former household man of the Baratynskys and the daughter of a rural deacon. But this is not the main thing, although, having decided to give all their children an education, the parents embarked on the path of a real life feat, doomed themselves to constant hard work and to many deprivations. After all, even then, in prosperous times, the Russian land did not flow with milk and honey. Work was the basis of all success. And also prayer. And parents were able to give their children this main treasure – faith, without which neither prayer nor hope is possible. This faith was born in the souls of children from the first conscious steps, at first it was simple, "childish", then, naturally developing, it grew together with a person, went through many stages, grew stronger over the years, became mature and conscious: it guided and strengthened in difficult moments. In this simple, most ordinary family (there were many of them) grew up in the true sense of harmoniously developed people – believers and knowledgeable. Faith and knowledge - love for them from a young age was inherent in Vanya Fedchenkov. It determined his life path as a monk and theologian, placed him on the highest steps of the church hierarchy. And it is probably very important that the future Vladyka grew up in an atmosphere of faith, lively, active, inspiring to daily, at first glance small and imperceptible feats. "Holy Grandmother Nadezhda" is humble and deeply religious, kind and meek, living not for herself, but for her neighbors. A working mother who gave her life to raise children. The very atmosphere of the family, with its daily self-restraint of everyday life and joyful holidays – all this left its grace-filled imprint on the soul of the boy, who very early felt his calling, who knew the way to the temple of God. Then - a theological school in Tambov and the Tambov seminary. In 1903, Ivan Fedchenkov became a student at the St. Petersburg Theological Academy, and in his last year he became a monk and received the name Benjamin. Years of study, first steps in the monastic field, friends and mentors – all this remained in the memory of Vladyka Veniamin for the rest of his life. And often in his works, he mentally returns to the years of his youth, remembering this time with gratitude. But in these memoirs of an already mature person, wise with spiritual and worldly experience, wisely and soberly assessing the years lived, there are disturbing notes. Yes, it's over. Remarkable people surrounded Hieromonk Benjamin. His mentor was Archimandrite Theophan (Bystrov), later archbishop, the spiritual father of the royal family, a man of deep faith and powerful intellect. At the Academy, Fr. Theophan then held the position of inspector. And the rector was Archbishop Sergius (Stragorodsky), the future Patriarch of Moscow and All Russia. Among Fr. Benjamin's comrades at the academy were many people who were close to him in spirit, who sincerely wanted to serve God and people, who had overcome difficult theological wisdom. But still, both about himself and about the many people who lived nearby and, it would seem, were looking for the same thing as him, Vladyka draws a disappointing conclusion: "No, we were not burning, we were not burning"... Here is the key to unraveling many questions that are mysterious to us, revealing our own recent history: with this phrase, filled with bitterness, Metropolitan Veniamin reveals an important spiritual reason, or rather, one of the causes of the terrible tragedy that accompanied the misfortunes of revolutions and wars. Tragedies are falling away from God and His Holy Church, a tragedy that, alas, has not ended and continues to bear its bitter fruits. They didn't burn... Even those many people of that time, who strove in their lives to know God, to follow the bright principles of Orthodoxy, did not burn. And no matter how strange and perhaps even monstrous it may seem to today's "civilized", "modern", or, as they used to say in the time of Vladyka Benjamin, to the "advanced" person, living according to the laws of "this world", they "did not burn", because they subordinated faith to reason; preferred the experience of the inner knowledge of God to the naked intellectual exuberance. They tried to substantiate the unknowable with the help of the laws of cognition of the natural world, to explain the inexplicable... But there has always been a path in the Russian Church that has never been interrupted, connected by a strong thread with the primordial patristic traditions, the path of touch, communion with the sacred, based on inner experience, on life in Christ. In his student years, the young monk Benjamin was lucky enough to meet and even concelebrate during the Divine Liturgy with Father John of Kronstadt, the great man of prayer of the Russian Land, whom he deeply revered, often turning to the spirit-bearing works of the righteous man. After graduating from the Academy, Fr. Veniamin visited the famous Optina twice; For some time he stayed at the monastery, attended conversations with the elders. And for the rest of his life he kept the testament-prayer of one of them, Hieroschemamonk Nektarios († 1928), repeating in difficult moments: "God! Give me Thy grace!" ... It is an amazing property of a truly Christian soul to preserve all life! To compose in one's heart "the one thing needful," partaking of the spirit of the ascetics of piety, to receive this spirit, preserving it. The religious writer N. A. Pavlovich (1895-1980), the spiritual daughter of Elder Nektarios, who wrote a lot about Optina, when she met Bishop Benjamin (in Riga) during a service, she felt the "spirit of Optina" in him, although, of course, she did not know about the short-term visits of the then young Fr. Veniamin to the Optina Hermitage. And even more surprising: Fr. Veniamin visited Optina in the early 10s, and N. A. Pavlovich saw him for the first time, I think, in 1947, at least in the late 1940s. Isn't it a miracle? Is it not proof of the reality of the invisible that Vladyka speaks of in his book?" "People of God" was lovingly called by Metropolitan Benjamin all people who listen to the life of the heavenly world, who live this unearthly reality, who follow the narrow and thorny path to the Kingdom of Heaven. About the citizens of Heavenly Jerusalem, whom he met in his life, about whom he had heard, he wrote with love and gratitude in a book that he called "God's People." This book is about meetings with saints.By the way, "God's people" and meetings with them largely determined the life path of the future hierarch. From the notes of the metropolitan himself, from stories about him, it is known that monasticism and even the episcopate were predicted to him by a schemamonk in Voronezh (the future bishop was two years old at that time); Elder of St. John the Baptist Skete on Valaam, Fr. Nikita; a certain pious "sick" old woman; Hieromonk of the Gethsemane Skete of the Trinity-Sergius Lavra, Fr. Isidore... After graduating from the Academy in 1907-1908, Hieromonk Veniamin was a professorial scholar at the Department of Biblical History, and in 1910-1911 he was the personal secretary of Archbishop Sergius (Stragorodsky) of Finland. From 1911, Fr. Veniamin, elevated to the rank of archimandrite, held the post of rector of the Taurida Seminary, and from 1913 to 1917 he worked as rector of the seminary in Tver. In 1917-1918, Archimandrite Veniamin (Fedchenkov) took part in the work of the Local Council of the Russian Orthodox Church. Two revolutions and a civil war. Division and fratricide. Blood, violence, turmoil. Whirlwinds of rapidly changing events. The destruction of the old statehood, the beginning of open, unprecedented in its scope persecution of the Church of Christ. It never rains but it pours. Simultaneously with the persecutors-atheists, and sometimes hand in hand with them, schismatics, independentists, rise up against the Church, "tear the robe of Christ"; Future renovationists began to assert themselves. But even in this terrible time, the heart of Orthodox Russia was beating, and its pulse was felt at the sessions of the Council. The inspiration of believers who stood up to defend their shrines resulted in thousands of religious processions and mass "days of repentance." The Russian Church revealed a host of martyrs-confessors, who atoned for the sins of the people with their blood, including the sins of unbelief and "lukewarmness." St. Tikhon, Patriarch of Moscow, chosen by lot, in these days begins his way of the cross "daily dying" for his all-Russian flock. The Church remained with her people and, under conditions of the most cruel terror, fought evil in the only way possible for Her and with a morally justified weapon: the power of maternal conviction and care for lost souls.In February 1919, Archimandrite Veniamin, who returned to the post of rector of the Taurida Seminary at the invitation of the teaching corps, was destined to embark on the path of episcopal service. The prediction of "God's people" came true. In the Cathedral of Simferopol, the episcopal consecration of Archimandrite Veniamin (Fedchenkov) as Bishop of Sevastopol, vicar of the Taurida Diocese, took place. In the terrible hour of trials that befell the Church and the Fatherland, Vladyka Veniamin raised the difficult cross of archpastoral service.In 1920, after the evacuation of the Whites from Novorossiysk to the Crimea, Bishop Veniamin joined the White movement; he became the "bishop of the army and navy", the head of the military clergy of the Russian Army of Baron P. N. Wrangel. No external circumstances forced him to take this step. Bishop Benjamin made his choice voluntarily, at the call of his heart, fulfilling his duty as an archpastor of the Church and a patriot. Vladyka developed warm relations with the commander-in-chief; Bishop Veniamin was invited as a representative of the Church to participate in the work of the Council of Ministers, which was held under Wrangel. A negligible amount - Wrangel's army, driven to the Crimean peninsula, tried to resist the frenzied onslaught of the Red troops. The last scrap of old Russia, a country where life was built on Christian principles, where the way of life in many of its daily manifestations was nurtured by Orthodoxy... But the main thing is that the heart of this country was Holy Russia, the Russia of churches and monasteries, hierarchs and elders, pilgrims and holy women. And now there are also martyrs, confessors, tortured daily for the name of Christ... But this strange and short-lived state formation – "Crimea", extremely motley in the composition of its population, in the political sympathies of its citizens – inherited the "disbelief and doubt" that had long lived in Russian society. Those who were supposed to become the white knights of Christianity also "did not burn". "We are not white, we are gray," Vladyka Veniamin would later say. But they were "his own" for him, dear, close in spirit, in similar living conditions, in upbringing, in ideals, in the end. Especially idealistic boys, whose contribution to the White movement can hardly be overestimated. Yesterday's students and gymnasium students, cadets and seminary pupils, dying at Perekop "for God and the Motherland," evoked in Bishop Veniamin a warm sympathy and at the same time a pungent feeling of pity. And yet the spiritual feat did not work out. In November 1920, together with the army and refugees, Bishop Veniamin of Sevastopol left the Crimea and left his homeland. Long years of exile began... Everything that he witnessed, in which he took a personal part while living in Russia in the pre-revolutionary years, that he experienced during the Civil War and in wanderings in a foreign land, Metropolitan Veniamin described in his memoirs "At the Turn of Epochs." This is a vivid picture of the life of old Russia, a gallery of portraits of people known to us from history, with whom Vladyka Veniamin had a chance to meet: Emperor Nicholas II and Empress Alexandra Feodorovna, Metropolitan Anthony (Khrapovitsky), Grigory Rasputin and A. F. Kerensky, former terrorist L. A. Tikhomirov and many, many others. Together with the author, we travel in a crowded carriage through the hungry provinces of Russia, engulfed in civil war, and attend the meetings of the Local Council. Interrogation in the Cheka and a cell in a Bolshevik torture chamber, Wrangel's reception room and a ship taking Russians to a foreign land... Abroad, Bishop Veniamin participated in the establishment of church life in the conditions of the diaspora. He lived in Serbia, where he gathered the Russian brethren in one of the monasteries, taught the Law of God in two cadet corps: the Russian and the Don Corps named after General Kaledin; and at one time (in 1923-1924) for a short time he again became a vicar bishop – he governed the parishes in Carpathian Rus', enduring the "troubles" caused by the police, and overcoming the obstacles created by the Czechoslovak authorities, who believed that the Russian bishop enjoyed too much influence among the Orthodox "Rusyns". At the same time, Bishop Benjamin decided to return to his homeland. Did he know what was going on there? Of course, not in full. But he was drawn to Russia, to the people to whom he owed, was obliged and passionately wished to preach the Word of God, regardless of any external, even the most terrible, conditions of existence. God judged otherwise. Only twenty years later he would be back in Russia, at home. The thought of preaching the Gospel, of the fate of his native people deprived of enlightenment, did not leave Vladyka Benjamin during all the years of his stay in a foreign land. It undoubtedly played a decisive role in his adoption of the "declaration" of Metropolitan Sergius (1927), who called for loyalty to the Soviet regime. Now much is said and written about this document, accusing Metropolitan Sergius (Stragorodsky) of almost collaborating with the atheists, of betraying the interests of the faithful. And all these arguments of people, often very far from the Church, "successfully" fit into ideological constructions, into the intricacies of words, it is not clear to whom and why they are needed. The "declaration" was adopted under the strongest pressure from the authorities, who made the signing of this document a condition for the legal existence of the Orthodox Church in the USSR.Before signing the "declaration," Vladyka Veniamin served forty liturgies – to "clarify the mind and strengthen the strength," of course, spiritual ones. And all this period of time he listened daily and hourly to the slightest movements of his soul, meditated on the Gospel read during the service, seeking an answer in fervent prayer. Bishop Benjamin's reflections on the "declaration" were reflected in his book "Holy Forty Mouths". Here are a few fragments from it." Yesterday I read at a trapeza the life of St. Alexander Nevsky, who, saving the soul of the people, thereby also saved the state; for this purpose he humbled himself before the khans.But our business, the clergy, is to think about at least one soul of the people. And all the rest is to be left to the will of God, and the people themselves with their power." Dear people! Only the one who suffers and falls. Despondent in spirit. Waiting for affection and help. Poor!'" Here, too, Christianity is sacrificed to politics; but on the contrary: we must be loyal, if only we have the freedom to preach the Gospel." Well good... I will be peaceful, comfortable... And the emigration will calm down. And in Russia itself? And what about the people? Will not my humility prove to be a refuge from asceticism? Will you not be ashamed of your peace?... No! It is necessary, even with a cross, to "serve the people" (the words of Patriarch Tikhon in a dream).I remembered from a dream how Father Tikhon said to me: "Serve the people!" The "Sorokoust" ended, Bishop Benjamin joined the "declaration". And for him, a bishop who remained faithful to the Moscow Patriarchate, to the Patriarchal locum tenens, Metropolitan Sergius, began a life full of severe trials and many sorrows among his hostile compatriots. Soon (in 1931) he had to leave his professorship at the Orthodox Theological Institute in Paris, with which he had been associated since 1925, and move to America, organizing almost single-handedly the church life of the Orthodox, who had retained ties with Moscow, with Metropolitan Sergius. But in the midst of all the hardships he had to endure (he had no permanent shelter, he had to spend the night with friends, endure the ridicule and mockery of hostile émigrés, and even, according to the stories, sweep the streets), Archbishop Benjamin (from 1933) did not deviate from the decision made as a result of his inner experience, remaining faithful to the hierarchy of the Russian Orthodox Church. "The fate of the world depends on the fate of Russia," he once said about the events that unfolded in Eastern Europe. From the very first days of the Great Patriotic War, Metropolitan Benjamin of North America, Exarch of the Moscow Patriarchate in America (he was elevated to the rank of Metropolitan in 1939), became an active participant in the patriotic movement that embraced a significant part of the Russian emigration, and one can even say that he was one of the inspirers of this movement. He speaks at rallies of the American public, gives lectures about Russia, about the Russian Church; participates in fundraising; and now the first cargoes for the Red Army (equipment for hospitals, medicines, food) are sent to Russia.Vladyka is over sixty, he is already an elderly man; little by little, he begins to be overcome by infirmities. But to all the requests of his employees to take care of their health, he answers: "Now there is no time to get sick"; Metropolitan Veniamin of the Aleutians and North America, honorary chairman of the Russian-American Committee for Aid to Russia, had the right to report to the President of the United States at any time of the day or night." Everything will end well." Vladyka pronounced these words at the very beginning of the war, when, it seemed, there were no grounds for happy forecasts. But there was hope. There were prayers and work. At that time, people in America prayed for the granting of victory to Russian weapons, even in churches not under the jurisdiction of the Patriarchate. And in this, too, the influence of Metropolitan Veniamin was felt. It seemed that Russians living in America were separated from their homeland not only by an ocean, but between them and their compatriots there was a bottomless abyss over these two and a half decades: revolution, fratricidal war that knew no mutual condescension, years of exile, bitterness of loss and ideological differences. The native country and people were hidden by the "iron curtain". But, despite all this, across the ocean, through the past, through rejection and hatred of the regime, threads of help and unfeigned love for compatriots stretched. Today, however, as always, it is a matter of conscience for everyone to assess this impulse of our compatriots abroad. They say different things. "The White émigrés fell for the bait of Stalin, who was playing at patriotism. To this, one can say one thing: both Metropolitan Veniamin and all the Russians living abroad, who responded to the call of the suffering Fatherland, were sincere people; And unlike many of our contemporaries, they did not confuse the country and the people with the regime and its crimes. Russians helped Russians, compatriots helped compatriots, brothers helped brothers. At the very end of the war, in late January and early February 1945, for the first time after 25 years of separation, Vladyka Veniamin visited his homeland. He took part in the Local Council of the Russian Orthodox Church, which was taking place in Moscow these days. Metropolitan Sergius, who had been elected Patriarch in September 1943, died on May 15, 1944, and now Metropolitan Alexy (Simansky) of Leningrad and Novgorod was elected to the Dowager Patriarchal Throne as members of the Council. The days of the work of the Local Council turned into a real church celebration. Present were the Primates of three Local Churches: the Patriarchs of Alexandria, Antioch and Georgia, representatives of other Orthodox Churches, and numerous guests.Metropolitan Veniamin represented his American flock at the Council, and also spoke on behalf of Metropolitan Eulogius (Georgievsky) and the so-called "Theophilians," who had not previously had communion with the Patriarchate, but now wished to restore it. At the sessions of the Local Council, they discussed the restoration of theological schools, the publication of liturgical literature, and other pressing issues of church life, which only yesterday could not even be thought of. But the main thing that made an impression on Vladyka Benjamin was the people of God. For many years abroad, he repeatedly wondered whether the faith had been preserved in the Russian people. At the end of the 30s, in New York, he wrote: "So it was before, native Russia:Did you believe... And what now?With my mind I have known you for a long time:And my heart says to me: believe!The heart did not deceive..."I could observe my native people enough and understand them. And I will say frankly: the impression of the people is the strongest, most important thing that I take with me from my homeland abroad. And first of all, I will say about believers. God, what a fervent faith in them!" wrote Metropolitan Veniamin in his article published in the Journal of the Moscow Patriarchate. And again: "The faith of the Russian Orthodox people is fervent... Russia is still holy. Yes, and now I can assert without any doubt: the Orthodox faith is alive in the Russian people... And in general I came to the indubitable assertion that not only in individuals, but also in the broadest masses of the people, faith is alive and growing" (Metropolitan Veniamin (Fedchenkov), My Impressions of Russia. 1945. № 3. In 1947, Vladyka Veniamin returned to his homeland. During his trip in 1945, he saw with his own eyes the most important thing – "faith is alive and growing." This means that he is needed at home. In America, he left a diocese uniting 50 parishes of the Moscow Patriarchate (and there was not a single one!). The Russian Church withstood terrible persecutions, preserving its dogmas and canons inviolable. Church life came to life, and people who openly confessed their faith, without knowing it, without even thinking about it, were victors. They preserved the heart of the people – Holy Orthodoxy.Of course, the revival took place in very difficult conditions. The pain of loss was still fresh, and the control of the authorities did not allow itself to be forgotten. The establishment of church life, which even before the war had barely glimmered and was condemned to destruction, now took place against the background of post-war difficulties. Both joy and sorrow went hand in hand: the loss of loved ones, broken destinies, unsettled life. In a word, sorrows... And Vladyka Benjamin, who had been appointed to the cathedra of Riga, addressed his new flock with the following words: "Rejoice, always rejoice, and rejoice in sorrows!" In 1951-1955, Metropolitan Veniamin governed the Rostov diocese. During these years, he met and maintained friendly relations with Archbishop Luke (Voino-Yasenetsky), a remarkable hierarch and theologian, a courageous confessor who had gone through the crucible of terrible trials. At that time, Bishop Luke governed the Simferopol diocese.In 1955, Metropolitan Veniamin was appointed to the Saratov cathedra. He was already 75 years old. His strength was gone, Vladyka began to fall ill often. In 1958, His Eminence Veniamin, Metropolitan of Saratov and Volsk, was retired, in accordance with his request, and went to live in the Pskov Caves Monastery. His last years were spent in the monastery. Vladyka died on October 4, 1961 and was buried in the monastery's God-given caves.In the last years of his life, along with concerns about the administration of dioceses, Metropolitan Veniamin put his notes in order, edited previously collected works. He finishes the book "On Faith, Unbelief and Doubt", which he began in America. Throughout his life, Vladyka wrote down his thoughts, expounded his thoughts on various issues of church and social life, collected stories about "God's people," about the righteous, about miraculous manifestations. He also wrote down what he himself witnessed. He also collected letters to him from various people, especially those that reflected human destinies and some laws of spiritual life. Or simply - evidence of love for him. And this love, trust and affection, deep sympathy for the personality of Vladyka on the part of the flock always accompanied him in all places of service. Vladyka Benjamin used this rich material in his books. And one of them is in front of you. Svetozarsky

Part I. Children's Faith

Chapter 1

For a long time I had been accumulating material about faith and unbelief. It can even be said that almost all life was intertwined with these questions - one way or another. And to this day I live in the atmosphere of these questions: everything else revolves around them or intersects with them. I gave lectures on these topics at the St. Petersburg Academy, at the Paris Theological Institute, and in various public speeches. I also have sketches. And now in this free week I will write down what I can.

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These will not necessarily be "lectures", but rather "autobiographical" notes. How I have experienced questions about faith in my life, what I thought about them. This is like a "confession of faith".And I want it to be alive - because it was really all experienced. These are notes or notes of the heart, clothed with sweat and in the forms of the mind.

* * *

And they will be useful to someone: people are similar.

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I will begin with the time when I began to remember myself with faith.

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Of course, I do not remember how and when the first words and thoughts about faith were thrown into my soul by my mother... My memory had already found me as a believer, as were my parents, as well as everyone around me, people from the "simple", almost rural class. My father was a clerk on the estate of B-x, and my mother was the daughter of a deacon from the village of Sofyinka [1]. His father was still a serf as a boy. I did not see any "atheists" in my childhood and did not even hear about them. Everyone around believed without doubt. The supernatural world of God was as real as this earthly world. Literally, there is no difference. And I don't even remember: when did I first learn that there were atheists? I don't remember the impression of this new knowledge. But in any case, it obviously did not make any impression on me, if only because it did not remain in my memory as something special... So, I always remember myself as a believer! And you can say: I have never been an unbeliever. However, I know what such a state of doubt and unbelief is; But I will write about this later.... In order not to forget later: I will record one conversation on this topic (in general, I will not care much about the "system" of notes: it is not very important). Once I visited in Moscow an acquaintance of my reverence, Vladimir Alexandrovich Kozhevnikov [2]. He was a man of great erudition, to put it bluntly, a scientist. His library numbered thousands of books. He knew all the major European languages. He also wrote several works on Buddhism (without finishing them)... Shortly before his death, he fell ill with a terrible form of fever, which tossed him on the bed like a feather... I went to see him. Quite peacefully, lying down, he was conducting a conversation. And, among other things, he said, pointing with his hand to the thousands of books on the shelves (with irony, but harmless): "I have read all these fools; And yet he did not lose faith. I have always been a believer. The Kingdom of Heaven to your soul, servant of God Vladimir... Among his books he wrote several pamphlets on faith: they are simple in presentation, but very profound... I have now forgotten the exact table of contents. But I will look for them later and write them down: they are worth it for anyone who is interested in these questions to read them - the benefit will be undoubted.