Chapter 3

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Everyone knows to what extent children really live in the other world. And if I remember almost nothing about myself, I will write down something from the lives of other children.One three-year-old child, his grandmother S. writes to me, "suffers from whooping cough for a long time. Before going to bed, he says to his grandmother: "Grandma! If you see angels in a dream; Another grandmother, who came to visit her daughter in Paris, who was dying of consumption, told me about her granddaughter Alyosha: "My daughter married a commissar. He did not even order to mention God. And I had a cross hanging on my chest, and Alyosha saw it."Grandmother! "A clock," I said, "my dear!" And yet the bell was rung on holidays. I don't know where he came from, but he's the same. learned about God. And once he said to me: "Grandma! Carry me to church; I will look at God once, only once, and I will not do it again.Often, in the earliest period, they confuse the priest with God. In Bulgaria, I met a 4-year-old child, ran to his father's shop and shouted loudly: "God, God is coming!" In New York, a Negro boy (in 1933) asks me in English:- Are you God?- No.- Who are you? The Mother of God?—No, I am a bishop. I probably haven't heard the word.— Priest, priest, priest! A very tiny child was brought to church. When he returned home, they asked him: "Well, what did you see in the church?" That's all the service.7-year-old girl Sonechka. Her mother fell ill. They talk about death. But my daughter is quite calm. When the mother (K.) especially complained of pain and was afraid of death, Sonechka came up to her and asked: "Mommy, why are you afraid of death? After all, you tell me that it is very good in paradise with God. And you don't want to go there?... I don't know what my mother answered.Sonechka was given Communion very often, and she loved it.In New York, one mother very often gives Communion to her little ones: Peter and Paul, the white ones, and how I love to give them Communion! And so are they. He also remembered the older "angels", a cadet of the Don Corps (in the city of Bilech, in Yugoslavia) [1]. Once, after communion, 2 young men came to me, already 16-17 years old... Clean, beautiful. Knocked. "Why have you come?" I asked. We are silent... They're sitting quiet..."Well, how do you feel?" I asked. The other added: "As if on Easter!" And I was silently happy to sit with them. Then one says thoughtfully: "And just think: why did God give us this joy.. Only because we confessed (i.e., revealed our sins). And I was left with the impression that I had real angels... Another cadet from the same corps, a clever young man, the "first student" in the company, told me after communion that he suddenly felt so physically "light – that the weight in me became less"... This deserves attention: man is spiritualized by uniting with Christ. And He, after His resurrection, received a spiritual body, which had neither weight nor density; and therefore He appeared, disappeared through the doors... And ascended. And the custom of the Church to read (in the altar by the clergy, secretly) after Communion is full of meaning: "The Resurrection of Christ, having beheld", "Shine, shine, new (future, spiritual, which is spoken of in Revelation, in chapters 21 and 22) Jerusalem"... A spiritual, Divine city, in which "they shall have no need of a lamp or of the light of the sun, for the Lord God gives them light" (22:5). "He has the glory of God" (21:11). "The new Jerusalem, coming down from God out of heaven, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband" (21:2). And then they read: "O great and most sacred Pascha, O Christ.. Grant us to partake of Thee more fully (even more really) in the unfading days of Thy Kingdom" (Paschal Canon, Ode 9). Communion. But not about babies in the body... In Paris, a young girl, about 25 years old, came to me at the Sergius metochion [2]. Authoress. This is the first time I see you.- What can I serve?- I have come to you to confess.- Good: we do not dare to refuse. And why did you come to me?—I was sent to you by R—a.It was a baptized Jewess, an acquaintance of the girl.After a few more sentences, I wanted to proceed to the sacrament of confession. Suddenly, the visitor resolutely declares: "No! I will not confess to you.—What is it? Why?—Yes, I want to confess to a priest who doesn't know me at all, and I don't know him. Meanwhile, I talked to you for only 5 minutes, and it seems to me that I have known you for 20 years. No, I won't, I won't! I would be ashamed!And I was about to leave.I began to urge her to reject this devilish temptation. But she stood her ground: I won't, I won't!Then I resorted to an innocent stratagem."Listen," I said, "well, you won't say anything; only kneel down, and I will say in your place: If my words are true, then you will be silent; And if they are wrong, just say: no. It is no longer difficult.After some more hesitation, she agreed. I read the prayers. We knelt down. I said... Confession, thank God. was accomplished. It was Holy Thursday, after Mass. On the next day, the Liturgy and Communion are not allowed. The Shroud is brought out only at Vespers. The sacrifice is made on Golgotha.The confessor was at the service. After vespers, he ran to my room and said in horror: "And I have chaos in my soul again. Everything was spinning in my head again. All this is very beautiful; But what if all this is just our own creation of the heart and mind? And what if all this is not really there? (I will write about doubts in the future).— Why do you think so?— I don't know myself: why! She says in horror and grief with anguish. "These questions came to my mind from somewhere, against my will. And I fell apart again. It's terrible!— Wait, wait! And suddenly the thought came to me: to read something from the Gospel to her. "You and I are not going to prove existence and truth to the world now... Let's just watch it... We will see with our own eyes.— How? She asks in surprise, with a joyful secret hope of getting out of the horror of doubt that overwhelms her. What is it? We say: "Revelation" is Divine, "the Word of God". If it is a "revelation," then it does not prove, but simply shows, "reveals" to us that world, its undoubted reality and truth. Well, I'll open it anywhere; I accidentally opened the Gospel of Mark, and my fingers fell at the end of the 5th chapter. I read to her about the resurrection of the archsynagogue's daughter: "And taking the maiden by the hand, (Christ) said to her: Talitha, kumi! And the damsel immediately arose and began to walk, for she was about twelve years old. Those who saw them were greatly astonished. And he sternly commanded them, that no one should know about it; and he said that they should give her something to eat" (vv. 41-43). "Isn't it obvious to you that all this was written down by reliable eyewitnesses?! Well, tell me: why would they write about a half-maiden girl who, after her resurrection, "began to walk" around the room?! Does it make any difference whether Tabitha, the resurrected Apostle Paul, walked or sat (cf. Acts 9:40-41). "She opened her eyes, and when she saw Peter, she sat down. He gave her his hand and raised it..." And, however, eyewitnesses noticed this detail and recorded it. St. Ev. Mark, as is known, wrote from the words of his teacher Ap. Peter, who was present at this miracle with John and James (v. 37). And they themselves were surprised at this walking: she had just been dead, and now she was walking like a healthy woman. It is known that children do not like to sit, but like to move, to do something. And the Apostle explained it precisely by this: she was then only "about 12 years old"... The girl is still... And then: "Give her something to eat"... Another great detail; although she walked up and down the room, she was still weak because of her illness; and the Saviour took care of that too. Well," I said, "tell me for yourself (you are an honest and clever girl)—is it not obvious to every unprejudiced mind and heart that all this really happened? Well, has it not really been "revealed" to you that all this is true? And if these 2-3 verses are true, then everything that is written above and below about Christ and His Father and the Holy Spirit, and in general everything that is revealed in the Gospel about the next world, is also true?! Tell me yourself.— Yes, that's true! The embarrassed writer confirmed quietly. "Well, go in peace, and tomorrow take communion." If doubtful thoughts come upon you again, then do not pay the slightest attention to them. Be calm and firm: you see that all this "really" was and is.She left completely reconciled.On Holy Saturday she took communion. I have just returned from church to my room, and she comes in, extremely joyful. I liked to invite communicants to tea.— Please, please! "No, I won't stay." I only ran in for one minute. "Would you at least have some tea?!" "No, no, no!" "I have only come to tell you what happened to me during Communion. I'm silent... She rested for two or three seconds and said: "During Communion, the Lord Jesus Christ Himself appeared to me. (And then I don't remember the details, she said only very briefly.) "That's what I ran to tell you!" And, having received a blessing, she, joyful, shining with Paschal illumination, quickly ran away... After that, I never met her again... Where are you, the soul of God? I believe that no matter what happens to you, it was not in vain that Christ appeared to you in a particularly obvious way after Communion... He will not allow you to perish either in the whirlpool of life, or in the soulless lie of unbelief... In Simferopol, a 3-year-old pet was dying in the R-x family. Parents are crying. Count A-n [3], in the presence of the members of the Synod, in 1920, in the Kherson monastery, told the following about his girls (Marfinka and, I think, Nadenka): "They were already in bed (in Yalta). As was customary, I went into their bedroom to make the sign of the cross over them for the night. The doors opened silently. I heard them talking: "And what do you think: will they come to us now? "I think they'll come..." Who are they talking about? "About your parents, or what?" I asked: "Who else are you waiting for?" Who will come?- Angels, - they answered simply.- What angels?- White, with wings.- Do they come to you?- Yes!I didn't ask anything else. He silently crossed himself and went out with tears of joy.His wife is also a "saint", from the family of the Baryatinsky princes... About her, too, it would be necessary to write down those who know her life... The humble woman was... And clean... And the believing soul... She lost everything, but she never grumbled not only against God. but even the Bolsheviks... The saints were also aristocrats, and not only from the common people... About the angels I also remember the story of Bishop Theodosius. Tikhon (then still an archimandrite) (Tishchenko), who was the rector of the Berlin Russian Church. In 1923, I was invited to give a lecture at a Young Men's Christian convention in Falkenberg, near Berlin. There was also Fr. Archim. Tikhon. He was a very educated theologian, an inspector at the Kiev Theological Academy, and a master. He came from a peasant family, from the city of Bila Tserkva. They had a large family; There are 7 children. The last child, Maria, fell dangerously ill. After several sleepless nights, their mother, laying the child beside her on the bed, fell asleep. And the boy - then still Timofey - was sitting by the window.- I was about 7 years old. Suddenly I saw an angel with Manka in his arms and shouted: "Mom! Mom! The mother woke up: "Why are you shouting?" - "Yes, they took Manka!" - "Who took it?" - she rushed to look at the sick child. "The angel took it. I've seen it." The mother took Maria, but she was already dead.Archimandrite Tikhon informs me that he also saw the angel white and with wings. In 1924-1925, Bishop Veniamin (Fedchenkov) was a teacher of religion in two cadet corps – the Russian and the Don Corps named after General Kaledin – Compilation. ^ The Sergius metochion in Paris was founded in the mid-twenties through the efforts of the administrator of the Russian parishes in Western Europe, Metropolitan Eulogius (Georgievsky), kn. G. N. Trubetskoy, M. M. Osorgin and other Russian exiles. A Theological Institute was established at the metochion, where Fr. Sergius Bulgakov, G. V. Florovsky, B. P. Vysheslavtsev, A. V. Kartashev, and V. N. Ilyin taught. Bishop Benjamin was a professor and also served as an inspector of the institute. According to contemporaries, the Theological Institute was largely indebted to Bishop Benjamin for the special spiritual atmosphere that reigned within its walls, an almost monastic way of life – Ed. ^ Count A-n – probably Count Apraksin – a member of the so-called "Crimean Synod", the Temporary Supreme Church Administration (VVTsU) of the dioceses of south-eastern Russia, of which Vladyka Veniamin was also a member – Ed. ^

Chapter 4

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In the evening, little S. is put to bed, and before that his bed was moved to another place; the icon hanging above it was left in its original place. He noticed this and said to his grandmother: "You give me an icon (the appearance of the Mother of God to St. Sergius)! Otherwise, without her, God knows what can happen!" They gave it to him. The little one laid her on his pillow, and soon fell asleep peacefully. He was about 4 years old.Village children, in the absence of their parents who had left for the city, took a pot of sour cream from the cellar and wanted to eat it. They put it on the table, sliced bread. According to custom, they wanted to pray first. N. was ashamed of them: they had committed a secret thing, a theft (although from themselves, but without the will of their parents). Then one of them guessed: they took a towel and hung the icons: "So that God does not see." We feasted... Cleared the table. And they forgot about the towel. Soon a worker entered the hut. He immediately noticed the curtain. He began to interrogate the children; and they were forced to confess. It is not without reason that Christ commanded us to become like children...... Here I am already a "spiritual father," as we were called, that is, a student of the Tambov Theological School... How I loved the divine services! These were really the "holidays" of my soul... I liked everything... And the services, and the singing (I myself always sang), and Father Gabriel Demitziev – an excellent priest and a wonderful teacher of penmanship – always calm, thin blond, with curly hair... I also liked the "big" singers (tenors and basses) who came to us to sing (and the children were sent in exchange, to the seminary): they were already in black frock coats and ironed shirts with ties... And the dignity of the ranks... And the harmony of the divine service. And cleanliness in the church... And teachers in uniforms are behind... Well, everything was gratifying... But here I learned the first doubt. I don't know where it came from... After 4 years of rural school, I studied for another 2 years in the "district school"... That's when I heard a lot... I don't know, I don't know... But here's what I remember well. It is read at Matins (at the "Vigil") after the troparia of the kathisma [1]. And I hear the following words (I will quote them here not in Slavonic, but in Russian): "The madman said in his heart there is no God..." And so on (Psalm 13). And suddenly thoughts ran in: ... How good it is that only "madmen" do not believe in God; and the wise, therefore, believe... But then the evil thought whispers: - Or maybe it's just that we are taught this way at school?! But in fact, smart people are just non-believers?! - Oh, how I wished then with a child's pure heart that the Psalmist David was right that unbelievers are mad, and not vice versa! But doubt still accumulated in my heart and poisoned my joy... I was 13 years old then... I could not cope with this doubt myself. And the poison of sorrow remained in me, but not for long. Then I forgot about it. And 12 years later, I already found an explanation. And then I understood all the indubitable truth (and the philosophical "epistemological" truth at that) of these words of the Psalmist, that if anyone says that "there is no God," then he is really "mad," not only unintelligent, but speaks contrary to reason, against consistent logic, the laws of which are mathematically compulsory. Then I saw that such sayings, "There is no God," are not at all from the "mind," but from the "heart": "He is a fool in his heart," v. 1. And finally, this is in direct proportion to the corruption of the soul: "all are perverted... all were corrupted; there is none that doeth good" (v. 3).- But I will write about this later... And then, in the angelic childhood and adolescence, the "heart" wanted faith, rejoiced in it; and vice versa, it did not want disbelief, instinctively repelled this lie; and was even grieved by doubts. Even now it is sad for such a temptation.

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And soon I learned about Darwinism... This was already in the 4th grade of the theological school. I don't know where I heard about this. He was also a boy, and all these temptations crept in from everywhere, like a cold wind through cracks. Yes! For a long time unbelief had been knocking at the door of the Russian soul. And there was nothing to hide from him..."Man descended from an ape"... And we were taught that God created... My soul yearned again. Not only did I not rejoice at this new "discovery", but on the contrary, with all the strength of an inexperienced, but unspoiled soul, I wanted to break free from this terrible cobweb... What did I do?.. It was Shrovetide. For some reason I did not go home; remained in Tambov. And in my free days, almost as a child, I began to go to the Public Library (it was beautiful); and I asked the manager:- Give me something against Darwinism.He brought me a huge tome of some Danilevsky [2] (if I am not mistaken; and I still do not know who he is?). And I began to read... Tricky; but I try... I remember that he compares the skull of a man and the skull of a monkey; and that the man has a rise of so many degrees, and the monkey less. And even now these "refutations" would not calm me down. I read Darwin's biography, Pavlenkov's edition. And then I found more peace for the soul. It turns out that Darwin himself was and remains a Christian, a believer – which many people still do not know. I even have it written down somewhere in my notebooks (I need to find it and rewrite it here for others). He taught about the evolution (development from lower to higher) species of living organisms; but he did not deny either the Creator of the world, and especially the living beings, or His power in the world. And then I saw the lie of his theory... Later, 15 years later, when I was already a teacher at the Academy, and my sister, Elizabeth, was a student, she came to me and pitifully asked: "Benjamin! Give me something against Darwinism. Well, they pecked at the professor's courses. There is just no urine! And I don't like this Darwinism: I don't want to be descended from an ape. I am a believer: God created us! Al. Kozhevnikov, in which he collected only the names of some authors and the titles of their works against Darwinism. She went with this antidote to her home on Vasilievsky Island. One day I came to her and saw that the book I had given me was lying peacefully on her shelf; and it seems that it is even slightly covered with pollen.- Have you read it?- No! - She shook her head unpleasantly. - Why?- I don't even want to read a refutation of it. But it is lying, and it is good. I am calm. And if anyone comes and argues with me, then I will put it in his face: read it... Yes, yes! People do not think with their minds, but with their "hearts"... This is now the basis of modern epistemology. But this is still far, far away... And although I did not quite prove to my mind - by the work of some Danilevsky - the groundlessness of Darwinism, I skipped this ditch - like the first one - about the unbelieving "madman". And his soul was clear, and peaceful, and joyful, and reasonable. But it is strange: why did neither I nor others turn to our teachers with these questions? Were they afraid? It was not accepted. And everyone worked in the recesses of their own souls. And after that, in the seminary, no one was asked. Think for yourself... Only once in the corridor I asked our philosopher Ves-m a question, either about the creation of the world from nothing, or about the infinity of space, and then I heard: "Think about it! And the people were good, intelligent and religious... It is often thought (and we, seminarians, were infected with this suspicion) that seminarians, and even more so their teachers, are atheists... Thank God, it was a great lie. I did not know literally a single teacher (not to mention the professors of the academy) either in the theological school or in the seminary who would be an atheist.And about one teacher, Z-th I.V-ch, there was, for some unknown reason, a rumor: an unbeliever... Imagine my surprise later when I learned that he went to the Kazan Monastery almost every day [3] for the early Liturgy and knew almost by heart the saints for the whole year.. How glad I was about it! When I was already in the 6th grade of the seminary, a new teacher of church history, Fantin Nikolaevich Aleshkin, came to us. Talented... Alive... He told us about the events of the history of the Russian Church in such a way that we sometimes applauded him in class. An unprecedented thing. But he was also demanding in his requests; and did not take into account the established tradition of calling us to the queue... The brothers were dissatisfied and sent me, as the first student, to negotiate. Come. He received me kindly. He even offers a cigarette. I don't smoke. I convey the request of my comrades... He accepted it calmly and agreed immediately... And then he began to tell me about the Kiev Lavra, about the caves and holy relics: how he loved to visit them. Surprised, I timidly asked the question: "Fantin Nikolayevich! Are you a believer? "What kind of question?" "You know, we seminarians have a deep-rooted conviction that if someone is smart, he is an unbeliever!" And for a long time we joyfully talked with him about faith. And the comrades were glad to hand it over to us... As for the seminarians, I knew almost exceptional examples of unbelief. But, really, there were... In our class, two only introduced themselves as "atheists": M—v and A—v... But no one paid the slightest attention to them and their unbelief. And they didn't even respect them. They were considered empty. Later, there was a student from Siberia in our course at the Academy, I forgot his name. And they did not pay attention to him. He did not even dare to speak aloud to us about his "godlessness." All this was superficiality... Like in Dostoevsky's "Demons" – Verkhovensky... But I am still tossing and turning by adolescence.There is very little left to remember here. On the whole, life went quietly, smoothly: faith always lived in my soul; I fulfilled all the church rules – I went to church, fasted twice a year, prayed at home, observed fasts, tried to live as piously as possible, studied (21 years in total)... And this quiet life was almost not disturbed until he entered the St. Petersburg Academy. This does not mean that faith was "dead"; on the contrary, everything was going well; and this is usually not noticed by us, just as we do not notice, for example, our health, and only when we fall ill will we understand what we have lost. My heart instinctively repelled him; it sought a way out if I met such people, or simply treated them indifferently. For example, I had a close friend; By the end of the seminary, he declared that he was an unbeliever. He was the son of a priest. But I still loved him and was friends with him, I stayed with him: and I was not at all infected by his unbelief; and he did not even think of persuading me. Afterwards he persuaded me, however, to go to the university, but I went to the academy. Once I was visiting him (from Christmastide to Shrovetide, without even going to the seminary under the pretext of illness; and it is true that we were both partly ill with angina). And together with his mother, a beautiful Christian, they went 50 versts away to visit the holy priest, Fr. Vasily Svetlov [4] (in the village of Shaly, Temnikov district). He was married and had many children. At the entrance, my friend said that he would not be suitable for the blessing: he would not be a hypocrite. Matushka was sad and already asked me: "Well, at least you, I. A., come up: do not imitate my G. N." Out of vanity, I also did not want to lag behind my "brave" friend. But when they entered the house, after long prayers over the sick, Fr. Vasily also entered; I felt ashamed of my self-love, and after Matushka I hurriedly came up for a blessing too. And during the few days of the hospitality, in the morning I first of all ran to him to receive a blessing... And I don't know why, but it gave me sweetness. I do not know whether it is now possible for anyone to receive it through our blessing. This Fr. Vasily would have deserved a book about him: sick people were brought to him from everywhere, for which purpose a special house (or even two?) was built; he prayed for hours in church, served molebens over the possessed, and so on; he did not send his daughters to the Diocesan Women's School, so that they would not spoil there; but they learned more by self-education; did not keep mirrors in the house; I also heard about Fr. Nikolai Peshchensky, also a married priest; people went to him for hundreds of versts. And in general, the priests in our area were good or decent... And only a few suffered from drunkenness, but not much. I remember how once a girl fell ill in a neighboring house, L... And she was already dying. I rushed into the hut, fell down in front of the icons and fervently prayed to God to work a miracle, to bring her back to life. But she died... And then the prayer was fervent... When I was still in the theological school, Tsar Alexander III fell ill. Every day they ran to the corner of the street to read the ballots; trembled for his life, as for their own father... And then he died. We prayed. Gosh! How I wept.. Then the inspector of the seminary died. Fr. Rector, Archpriest. P. S., he made a speech: "Like two oxen we pulled a plough with you; And now you fell in the furrow... I also cried and prayed... I also loved the service in the seminary, as well as in the school... And he always prayed sincerely... But I don't remember many strong religious experiences. Somehow everything was very "simple" and quiet. And they didn't burn all around either... None of the teachers ever kindled faith in me (or in the disciples in general). Little was even said about it. And only "studied"... And only when the miraculous icon was brought to Tambov from the Vyshenskaya Kazan Monastery (where Bishop Theophan the Recluse asceticized) [5], it lifted me up, as did all these tens of thousands of people who met me. And when I, squeezing through the crowd, approached the holy icon and kissed it, I felt it as if it were alive... But not for long, but only for this moment... I loved the hierarchal services. Sometimes, after defending the service (having been the choir director for the last 4 years I was the choir director on the left, and then on the right kliros) at home, we hurried to the Kazan Cathedral... I liked everything there: the solemn service, and the wonderful choir, about 50-60 people, with amazing voices; and the stunning magnificence of Protodeacon Kr-v is inimitable, the only one I have seen in Russia... And of course, the bishops... I remember especially well Bishop. Alexandra (Bogdanova) [6]. How sincerely and touchingly he served: it captured the soul... After that, there was an architect. Dimitri [7] (one of the rectors of the K.D.A.), but he was too artistic in the service: I did not like it.And I especially loved the hierarchal services on the patronal feast day in the seminary on May 11 (Sts. Cyril and Methodius) [8]. Two hours before Mass, the subdeacons [9] arrived with a chest of vestments... I stood behind the church in the corner and enjoyed... Here the silver vertebrae [10] thundered from the bishop's mantle... A tenor conversation between the subdeacons is heard in a half-voice. Then comes the bass Deacon R. Behind him is an even larger bass, Deacon P. Finally, "himself" is our Protodeacon K. This is an inimitable type: huge eyes with thick eyebrows frowning over them, a curly cap of reddish hair on his head; a short forked beard, a broad nose; his lips were skewed to the left under a small moustache... But the voice, the voice.. Startling! This is some kind of power of Ilya Muromets, Mikula Selyaninovich. And so he entered the altar (still with a plaited pigtail of hair); he kissed the throne and spoke with his comrades who had arrived earlier in the lowest, thundering octave... And I am fascinated by his rumbling from behind the temple... I loved this magnificence. And what performances he had, body turns, voice! Thunder-like.They are already waiting for the bishop. The bell rang in the monastery: he had left... The clergy came out of the altar, stood in rows, and in the middle and behind these same protodeacon, deacon, subdeacon... With censers... They rumble quietly with them. And sometimes, without turning around, they whisper about something, smiling imperceptibly. And in front of them are three "students" – seminarians. But I loved more the boys of the bishop's choir. What angelic voices they were! It seems that he would not eat or sleep, only listen to them. I especially remember one treble, and his name was Arkhangelsky... Well, what a voice... And it seemed to me that he was a pure angel to my heart... Is it possible that even now there is this luxury in Russia?! At least to see... The bishop arrived. Everything fell silent. Then the Divine service poured in like a wave.The sermons of the bishops, however, never made an impression on me. I don't know why. It was somehow dry, lifeless. And only later, as a student, I sometimes burst into tears, listening to the sermons of the famous orator Anthony [11], then already Arch. Volynsky... The ritual is of great importance. It hides great strength of spirit and action... And it is not without reason that the Uniates, who have preserved the Orthodox rite for centuries, easily return to their native Church; and those who have lost it (Poles, Slovaks, Croats, and partly Catholicized Uniates) remain in Catholicism... This, perhaps, is all my childhood and adolescence impressions. I include here not only my childhood, but the entire seminary, until the age of 22: in fact, spiritually I continued to be a youth. I will say: thank God! And it seemed as if everything was quite safe and stable... But why did everything soon begin to collapse? And in 1917-18, godlessness also collapsed on Russia... Where does it come from? The question is big... In short, we can say this: the visibility was more brilliant than the inner strength. Everyday life, rituals, traditions were preserved; and the power of faith, burning, the fire of grace was no longer enough... I have already said several times that I did not see any burning in my teachers, no one even inflamed us and did not talk to us about the inner life... They rolled by inertia. Spiritual life was falling, dying: appearances alone could not support it... And then there was underground work among the students... There have already been nihilists among us, though very rarely. And even more important: other fires were already being lit around the seminary; smoke from them flew to us, but still not much [12]... But, I repeat, there was already little fortitude. Very many seminarians left for secular paths, pastoral service no longer attracted them: this means that these formerly powerful classes of clergy began to cool down... The "religious autumn" was coming, I will say this... And when the frosts struck, the last leaves fell off. But is it really?! I don't believe it. Grant, O God, that we may arise... The biblical book of Psalms, which includes 150 psalms, is divided into 20 sections called kathismas for use in divine services. At Sunday Matins, which is part of the All-Night Vigil, the second and third kathismas are read. The second kathisma includes the 13th Psalm, which begins with the words: "The fool said in his heart, 'There is no God...' (Psalm 13, verse 1) – Ed. ^ We are talking about the book of the Russian publicist, sociologist and naturalist N. Y. Danilevsky "Darwinism. A Critical Study of N. Y. Danilevsky" (Vol. 1-2, St. Petersburg, 1885-1889) – Compilation. ^ The Kazan Monastery in Tambov, founded in 1667, since 1761 existed as a bishop's house - the residence of the bishop - Sost. ^ Bishop Benjamin tells about the priest Fr. Vasily Svetlov in detail in the book "God's People", mentions him in his other works – Comp. ^ St. Theophanes, the Recluse of Vyshensky (+1894) — in the world Georgy Govorov — a graduate of the Kiev Theological Academy, was in the Holy Land, on Mount Athos, in Constantinople. In 1859, he was consecrated Bishop of Tambov and Shatsk, and from 1863 to 1866 he occupied the Vladimir cathedra. In 1867 he retired and lived in seclusion in the Vyshna hermitage, spending his time in prayer and compiling works of religious and moral content. His main works are: "Letters on Christian Life", "Interpretation of the Apostolic Epistles", "Outline of Christian Doctrine". St. Theophan the Recluse was canonized as a saint of the Russian Orthodox Church at the Local Council of 1988. The monastery where Saint Theophan asceticized was officially called the Dormition Vyshna hermitage and was located in the Shatsk district of the Tambov province. The fact that Metropolitan Veniamin calls it the Kazan Icon is probably explained by the fact that there was a Kazan Cathedral in the monastery, in which the miraculous Kazan Vyshenskaya Icon of the Mother of God was located, which, apparently, gave the second name to the monastery – Sost. ^ Alexander, Bishop of Tambov and Shatsk, in the world Alexander Vasilyevich Bogdanov (1830-1898), occupied the Tambov cathedra from 1892 to 1898 – Ed. ^ Dimitry, Archbishop of Kherson and Odessa, in the world Mikhail Georgievich Kovalnitsky (1839-1913), in 1902-1903 in the rank of bishop served at the Tambov cathedra – Ed. ^ The Day of Saints Cyril and Methodius, Equal-to-the-Apostles, is celebrated on May 24 according to the new style. – Ed. ^ Subdeacons are junior clerics, clergymen who serve the bishop during divine services – Ed. ^ Here the silver vertebrae thundered... — the silver vertebrae on the vestments of the bishop are designed to remind him of the need to constantly preach the Word of God to his flock – Ed. ^ Metropolitan Anthony, in the world Alexei Pavlovich Khrapovitsky (1863-1936), was an outstanding hierarch of the Russian Church at the turn of the century, a brilliant preacher. Vladyka Anthony (first in the rank of bishop, and then archbishop) ruled the Volyn diocese from 1902 until almost the beginning of the World War. At the Local Council of 1917-1918 he was one of the candidates for the patriarchal throne, during the Civil War he participated in the White movement. Since 1920 he was a refugee. One of the main initiators of the so-called "Karlovtsy schism" is Sost. ^ However, there were already 2 riots in the seminary during my time, but they had absolutely nothing to do with the faith; however, they showed spiritual decay - Auth. ^

Chapter 5

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After the Dormition Fast [1] I entered damp Petersburg as a student of the Academy. I liked everything. The cab driver drove me to the Lavra of St. Alexander Nevsky; with a suitcase I entered the "sacred canopy" of the Theological Academy [2]. It was a good time... With what, with what baggage of faith did I come here? It is necessary to summarize.Two or three signs can be noted:1. I was a believer. But this faith was a faith according to tradition, according to tradition, according to everyday life: family, school, seminary — supported it, not deepening, not revealing, not igniting, but only preserving it. The seminary instilled another quality in this: faith in the mind, in the power of "knowledge," rationalism.We were brought up in the firm view that everything can and must be understood, explained; that everything in the world is rational... And all of our theological science, in essence scholastic, rational and school, stood on this basis: everything is clear. If you don't eat, then you should be. Everything can be understood. In particular, all the objects of faith must be "proved" by the mind and the intellect... And this is in dogmatics, in philosophy, and in the Holy Scriptures... In essence, we were more Catholic seminarians, Thomists (Thomas Aquinas) [3] than Orthodox, spiritually and mystically educated in living experience... This was a great mistake in the whole spirit of our school: rationalism—not in the philosophical, but in the practical sense of education. We were brought up in idolatry of the mind, which also affected our entire intellectual society in the nineteenth century, especially since the sixties. And this poison corrupted faith, humiliated it, as if it were a dark area of "feeling" and not reason. Fortunately, in our adolescence and youth in the seminary, this scholasticism (intellectual direction) and rationality did not leave a large trace, because we did not delve very deeply into this rational spirit — we looked at it simply as study, as a training in mastery; That is why we were better in our hearts than in knowledge: there we believed simply, "like everyone else," and lived as far as possible according to this faith. However, in our heads, oil, i.e., the superiority and exclusive value of the mind, floated above, above the water of life and faith. And life, as always, turned out to be stronger than the theory and conclusions of the so-called mind. The soul has its own, deeper mind, true reason, intuition (inner perception of truth). And it was this inner reason, and not the external formal reason, that saved us. And this explains why I and others retained the faith, although the waves of temptation were already rolling over it from everywhere: the soul recoiled instinctively. The external ritual also helped to protect this jewel: that's why I wrote small sketches about it above... This applies to all of us believers, not just me.4. But the strength of the spirit, the burning of life, fall everywhere – imperceptibly, but irresistibly. There was no interest. Religion could not be called "life." It was more "knowledge," i.e., a store of memory, of fruitless arguments; a warehouse of "cold notes of the mind," as Pushkin said. And in general, everything was already falling in Russia, all values. The Church with its schools could not resist either.There was little spiritual experience.So, I went to the academy with "simple" faith, but also with the worship of the mind... Gradually, this soon began to be applied... But I can consider that before the academy I experienced the first period of faith, the so-called "simple", "childish" faith, faith by trust, according to tradition. It will be replaced by another.

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The extent to which we students were little interested in genuine religious life is evident from at least one fact. 3 months have passed. We managed to visit all the museums, theaters, the Public Library (and even then very few - this one); We listened to the professors and threw them away (there were only 2-3 official duty officers)... We heard all sorts of choirs. And they did not bother to see the glorious, famous throughout Russia, revered abroad, great man of prayer, miracle-worker – Fr. John of Kronstadt [4]. Is this not a sign of coolness of spirit? Well, at least out of curiosity - even this was not there. And the vast majority, with the exception of maybe 5 or 10 percent, did not want to see him after 4 years of study! And even the authorities and professors never said a single word about him... And it was necessary to call him, to beg him to visit us... After all, his people visited him every day in thousands, flocking from all Great Russia to Kronstadt... We, the future pastors, were not interested. Shame and disgrace! And in the number of 2-3 people, already in November, and then more out of curiosity, we went to Kronstadt and saw this spiritual giant... The Church, its highest intellectual strata, did not live the life of the spirit, but reasoned. Well, as for Fr. John... What a scientist, they say?.. He is not of science; not interesting... But we were not interested in science either. They were not particularly interested in anything: spiritual life was deaf. And many people think that before the revolution, everything was supposedly fine... No and no! The poles are already rotten. The roof was still holding, but the foundation was shaking. One of my acquaintances, who later held a very high political post, M., said back in the 1910s in St. Petersburg: "If some catastrophe does not happen to Russia, then everything will perish..." And another politician, a writer, a former revolutionary, T. [5], also wrote in his diary the following words about the Church (1907): "Everything that concerns Russia is not gratifying either, and even more important is the Church. The shepherds are smitten, the sheep are mad; and nowhere to see, nowhere to be felt, God's messenger for our salvation... If there is no violent crisis, no revolution, there will be slow (italics in italics) decay. I don't see any data for a "peaceful update". There are, perhaps, chances of fatigue and disappointment of everyone and in everything. Peaceful vegetation and decay can arise from everywhere... But this is even worse than a revolution" (Red Archive, vol. 61, p. 85)." The Lord has left us to the mercy of the forces of hell. We have fallen inwardly" (94). ... Already (!) "and it's time to think about the soul." Other things seemed important to everyone: politics, material structure, satisfaction of sensual needs, and, perhaps, sciences, art... All this was called and was real life... And what about religion? Well, is this "life"? It's even embarrassing to say "life"... Well, at best, the sum of cold dogmas, the label of a believer... If religion is to be life for us, it will be only "there," in "heaven"... And now? "Now we have lived and live by everything, but not by faith... "Not yet old: it is not yet time to think about the soul." And life is given once... Make use of life, everyone who lives. And others are already bored with her. The clergy could not pour living fire into the cooling body; for we ourselves lived coolly, did not burn.And indeed: why do I need the Most Holy Trinity? Do I have any living relationship with Her, or is there only a "recognizing" faith left? Why do I need Christ, the incarnate Son of God? I have a direct living connection with Him?.. What is grace? Do I know her? I've heard of her; I "believe" that it exists somewhere; but not for me... And me? "Oh, me, we "can" everything by ourselves, we build our own personal and common, human life... I have thought many times about the question of grace. I was taught in schools to know about this, that all good is given from grace, from the Holy Spirit. Spirit. But frankly I confess here that in the depths of my heart I not only did not feel it, but even, I must admit, did not really agree. On the contrary, like everyone around him, he thought: man can do everything on his own.In such faith in "man" even our education was built – psychology, moral theology... Everything is done by the natural efforts of our mind and will. Not only in psychological textbooks, but also in life, there was no place for the intervention of another force, a grace-filled one... Is the life of the state upset? Well, what then? Let's get together, spread our minds, invent new political forms, and... Fix. Is faith falling? The Educational Committee will "prescribe" and indicate - and ... Patriotism is running out of steam? "Well... "somehow" and here "it will be all right." Let's start a general education: "science will save the world," said one rector of the university at its opening. (And at that time, we, scientists, were already being squeezed out of all Russia by the Bolsheviks... And for good reason!) And so everything rolled down... Steadily. "Human! "It sounds proud," someone says in Gorky, this prophet of the moment. One bishop [6] (still now, in 1939, living in exile) said to me in Moscow, when we were going to preach in one of the churches in Zamoskvoretsk: "Only now have I understood why I need Christ the Lord personally! "And he used to be not only a teacher of religion, but also a missionary... And he was at least 52-54 years old at that time.Is this not a sign of the impoverishment of the spirit? But we did not long to see Fr. John of Kronstadt... I suppose that this bishop was hardly ever eager to see the great Lamp of Faith... Are we not foolish virgins?! Are not "lamps" without oil?! And the same politician T. writes the truth: "Everything earthly is broken. Now you can only live "heavenly"... "Only"... I am writing this word, this phrase, and it already shows how little I have prepared for heavenly things, how little space it occupies in my heart! This means that I actually appreciated the heavenly unexpectedly, since it coloured (formerly) the earthly forms and the earthly content of life. Like a "foolish maiden" is not a supply of oil; and there is nothing with which to light the lamp at the sounds: "Behold the Bridegroom is coming"... He burned all the oil on the kings and on the people; and now there are neither kings nor people; one Bridegroom is coming; and in the lamp there is emptiness" (87 p.). "All my journalism has scattered... Large and small works are simply comical in fate, beginning with the work of the work, passing through the monarchy, and ending with the Church" (91 p.). He also speaks unflatteringly of us, the bishops, that we all adapt more: "if only we do not fight"... This is worse than infancy" (about which the Kazan professor of church law Berdinkov wrote to him) — and this is now a characteristic feature of all representatives of our "fundamentals" (87 p.): lukewarmness. The Dormition Fast begins on August 14 and lasts until the day of the Dormition of the Most Holy Theotokos – August 28 (New Style) – Ed. ^ The Theological Academy in St. Petersburg is located in the immediate vicinity of the Alexander Nevsky Lavra – Ed. ^ Thomas Aquinas (1225 or 1226–1274) was a theologian and philosopher of the Catholic Church, a Dominican monk. He was canonized by the Western Church – Ed. ^St. Righteous John of Kronstadt († 1908) was a great man of prayer in the Russian land, who possessed the gift of miracles and clairvoyance, a preacher and spiritual writer. He was canonized by the Russian Orthodox Church in 1989. Vladyka Benjamin (then a young hieromonk) met with St. John of Kronstadt and concelebrated with him during the Divine Liturgy. Vladyka honored the memory of the great righteous man all his life and often turned to his legacy – Compilation. ^ Tikhomirov Lev Alexandrovich (1850-1923) - publicist, editor of the newspaper "Moscow Vedomosti", collaborated in "Novy Mir" and "Russian Review" In his youth - a revolutionary terrorist, a member of the party "Land and Freedom". He lived in exile from 1883 to 1889. He revised his convictions as a result of an internal coup and returned to Russia – Compilation. ^ Perhaps this refers to Metropolitan Kirill (Smirnov) (1863-1941 or 1944). Vladyka Veniamin was in close contact with him during the work of the Local Council of 1917-1918, and in the life of Metropolitan Kirill he taught religion at the Elizabeth-Polish Gymnasium (1881) and labored at the Ecclesiastical Mission in Urmia (1902-1906). From 1910, Vladyka Kirill occupied the Tambov cathedra, and in 1914 he participated in the celebrations of the glorification of St. Pitirim of Tambov († 1698), which was attended by Archimandrite Veniamin (Fedchenkov), then rector of the Theological Seminary. ^

Chapter 6