And soon I learned about Darwinism... This was already in the 4th grade of the theological school. I don't know where I heard about this. He was also a boy, and all these temptations crept in from everywhere, like a cold wind through cracks. Yes! For a long time unbelief had been knocking at the door of the Russian soul. And there was nothing to hide from him..."Man descended from an ape"... And we were taught that God created... My soul yearned again. Not only did I not rejoice at this new "discovery", but on the contrary, with all the strength of an inexperienced, but unspoiled soul, I wanted to break free from this terrible cobweb... What did I do?.. It was Shrovetide. For some reason I did not go home; remained in Tambov. And in my free days, almost as a child, I began to go to the Public Library (it was beautiful); and I asked the manager:- Give me something against Darwinism.He brought me a huge tome of some Danilevsky [2] (if I am not mistaken; and I still do not know who he is?). And I began to read... Tricky; but I try... I remember that he compares the skull of a man and the skull of a monkey; and that the man has a rise of so many degrees, and the monkey less. And even now these "refutations" would not calm me down. I read Darwin's biography, Pavlenkov's edition. And then I found more peace for the soul. It turns out that Darwin himself was and remains a Christian, a believer – which many people still do not know. I even have it written down somewhere in my notebooks (I need to find it and rewrite it here for others). He taught about the evolution (development from lower to higher) species of living organisms; but he did not deny either the Creator of the world, and especially the living beings, or His power in the world. And then I saw the lie of his theory... Later, 15 years later, when I was already a teacher at the Academy, and my sister, Elizabeth, was a student, she came to me and pitifully asked: "Benjamin! Give me something against Darwinism. Well, they pecked at the professor's courses. There is just no urine! And I don't like this Darwinism: I don't want to be descended from an ape. I am a believer: God created us! Al. Kozhevnikov, in which he collected only the names of some authors and the titles of their works against Darwinism. She went with this antidote to her home on Vasilievsky Island. One day I came to her and saw that the book I had given me was lying peacefully on her shelf; and it seems that it is even slightly covered with pollen.- Have you read it?- No! - She shook her head unpleasantly. - Why?- I don't even want to read a refutation of it. But it is lying, and it is good. I am calm. And if anyone comes and argues with me, then I will put it in his face: read it... Yes, yes! People do not think with their minds, but with their "hearts"... This is now the basis of modern epistemology. But this is still far, far away... And although I did not quite prove to my mind - by the work of some Danilevsky - the groundlessness of Darwinism, I skipped this ditch - like the first one - about the unbelieving "madman". And his soul was clear, and peaceful, and joyful, and reasonable. But it is strange: why did neither I nor others turn to our teachers with these questions? Were they afraid? It was not accepted. And everyone worked in the recesses of their own souls. And after that, in the seminary, no one was asked. Think for yourself... Only once in the corridor I asked our philosopher Ves-m a question, either about the creation of the world from nothing, or about the infinity of space, and then I heard: "Think about it! And the people were good, intelligent and religious... It is often thought (and we, seminarians, were infected with this suspicion) that seminarians, and even more so their teachers, are atheists... Thank God, it was a great lie. I did not know literally a single teacher (not to mention the professors of the academy) either in the theological school or in the seminary who would be an atheist.And about one teacher, Z-th I.V-ch, there was, for some unknown reason, a rumor: an unbeliever... Imagine my surprise later when I learned that he went to the Kazan Monastery almost every day [3] for the early Liturgy and knew almost by heart the saints for the whole year.. How glad I was about it! When I was already in the 6th grade of the seminary, a new teacher of church history, Fantin Nikolaevich Aleshkin, came to us. Talented... Alive... He told us about the events of the history of the Russian Church in such a way that we sometimes applauded him in class. An unprecedented thing. But he was also demanding in his requests; and did not take into account the established tradition of calling us to the queue... The brothers were dissatisfied and sent me, as the first student, to negotiate. Come. He received me kindly. He even offers a cigarette. I don't smoke. I convey the request of my comrades... He accepted it calmly and agreed immediately... And then he began to tell me about the Kiev Lavra, about the caves and holy relics: how he loved to visit them. Surprised, I timidly asked the question: "Fantin Nikolayevich! Are you a believer? "What kind of question?" "You know, we seminarians have a deep-rooted conviction that if someone is smart, he is an unbeliever!" And for a long time we joyfully talked with him about faith. And the comrades were glad to hand it over to us... As for the seminarians, I knew almost exceptional examples of unbelief. But, really, there were... In our class, two only introduced themselves as "atheists": M—v and A—v... But no one paid the slightest attention to them and their unbelief. And they didn't even respect them. They were considered empty. Later, there was a student from Siberia in our course at the Academy, I forgot his name. And they did not pay attention to him. He did not even dare to speak aloud to us about his "godlessness." All this was superficiality... Like in Dostoevsky's "Demons" – Verkhovensky... But I am still tossing and turning by adolescence.There is very little left to remember here. On the whole, life went quietly, smoothly: faith always lived in my soul; I fulfilled all the church rules – I went to church, fasted twice a year, prayed at home, observed fasts, tried to live as piously as possible, studied (21 years in total)... And this quiet life was almost not disturbed until he entered the St. Petersburg Academy. This does not mean that faith was "dead"; on the contrary, everything was going well; and this is usually not noticed by us, just as we do not notice, for example, our health, and only when we fall ill will we understand what we have lost. My heart instinctively repelled him; it sought a way out if I met such people, or simply treated them indifferently. For example, I had a close friend; By the end of the seminary, he declared that he was an unbeliever. He was the son of a priest. But I still loved him and was friends with him, I stayed with him: and I was not at all infected by his unbelief; and he did not even think of persuading me. Afterwards he persuaded me, however, to go to the university, but I went to the academy. Once I was visiting him (from Christmastide to Shrovetide, without even going to the seminary under the pretext of illness; and it is true that we were both partly ill with angina). And together with his mother, a beautiful Christian, they went 50 versts away to visit the holy priest, Fr. Vasily Svetlov [4] (in the village of Shaly, Temnikov district). He was married and had many children. At the entrance, my friend said that he would not be suitable for the blessing: he would not be a hypocrite. Matushka was sad and already asked me: "Well, at least you, I. A., come up: do not imitate my G. N." Out of vanity, I also did not want to lag behind my "brave" friend. But when they entered the house, after long prayers over the sick, Fr. Vasily also entered; I felt ashamed of my self-love, and after Matushka I hurriedly came up for a blessing too. And during the few days of the hospitality, in the morning I first of all ran to him to receive a blessing... And I don't know why, but it gave me sweetness. I do not know whether it is now possible for anyone to receive it through our blessing. This Fr. Vasily would have deserved a book about him: sick people were brought to him from everywhere, for which purpose a special house (or even two?) was built; he prayed for hours in church, served molebens over the possessed, and so on; he did not send his daughters to the Diocesan Women's School, so that they would not spoil there; but they learned more by self-education; did not keep mirrors in the house; I also heard about Fr. Nikolai Peshchensky, also a married priest; people went to him for hundreds of versts. And in general, the priests in our area were good or decent... And only a few suffered from drunkenness, but not much. I remember how once a girl fell ill in a neighboring house, L... And she was already dying. I rushed into the hut, fell down in front of the icons and fervently prayed to God to work a miracle, to bring her back to life. But she died... And then the prayer was fervent... When I was still in the theological school, Tsar Alexander III fell ill. Every day they ran to the corner of the street to read the ballots; trembled for his life, as for their own father... And then he died. We prayed. Gosh! How I wept.. Then the inspector of the seminary died. Fr. Rector, Archpriest. P. S., he made a speech: "Like two oxen we pulled a plough with you; And now you fell in the furrow... I also cried and prayed... I also loved the service in the seminary, as well as in the school... And he always prayed sincerely... But I don't remember many strong religious experiences. Somehow everything was very "simple" and quiet. And they didn't burn all around either... None of the teachers ever kindled faith in me (or in the disciples in general). Little was even said about it. And only "studied"... And only when the miraculous icon was brought to Tambov from the Vyshenskaya Kazan Monastery (where Bishop Theophan the Recluse asceticized) [5], it lifted me up, as did all these tens of thousands of people who met me. And when I, squeezing through the crowd, approached the holy icon and kissed it, I felt it as if it were alive... But not for long, but only for this moment... I loved the hierarchal services. Sometimes, after defending the service (having been the choir director for the last 4 years I was the choir director on the left, and then on the right kliros) at home, we hurried to the Kazan Cathedral... I liked everything there: the solemn service, and the wonderful choir, about 50-60 people, with amazing voices; and the stunning magnificence of Protodeacon Kr-v is inimitable, the only one I have seen in Russia... And of course, the bishops... I remember especially well Bishop. Alexandra (Bogdanova) [6]. How sincerely and touchingly he served: it captured the soul... After that, there was an architect. Dimitri [7] (one of the rectors of the K.D.A.), but he was too artistic in the service: I did not like it.And I especially loved the hierarchal services on the patronal feast day in the seminary on May 11 (Sts. Cyril and Methodius) [8]. Two hours before Mass, the subdeacons [9] arrived with a chest of vestments... I stood behind the church in the corner and enjoyed... Here the silver vertebrae [10] thundered from the bishop's mantle... A tenor conversation between the subdeacons is heard in a half-voice. Then comes the bass Deacon R. Behind him is an even larger bass, Deacon P. Finally, "himself" is our Protodeacon K. This is an inimitable type: huge eyes with thick eyebrows frowning over them, a curly cap of reddish hair on his head; a short forked beard, a broad nose; his lips were skewed to the left under a small moustache... But the voice, the voice.. Startling! This is some kind of power of Ilya Muromets, Mikula Selyaninovich. And so he entered the altar (still with a plaited pigtail of hair); he kissed the throne and spoke with his comrades who had arrived earlier in the lowest, thundering octave... And I am fascinated by his rumbling from behind the temple... I loved this magnificence. And what performances he had, body turns, voice! Thunder-like.They are already waiting for the bishop. The bell rang in the monastery: he had left... The clergy came out of the altar, stood in rows, and in the middle and behind these same protodeacon, deacon, subdeacon... With censers... They rumble quietly with them. And sometimes, without turning around, they whisper about something, smiling imperceptibly. And in front of them are three "students" – seminarians. But I loved more the boys of the bishop's choir. What angelic voices they were! It seems that he would not eat or sleep, only listen to them. I especially remember one treble, and his name was Arkhangelsky... Well, what a voice... And it seemed to me that he was a pure angel to my heart... Is it possible that even now there is this luxury in Russia?! At least to see... The bishop arrived. Everything fell silent. Then the Divine service poured in like a wave.The sermons of the bishops, however, never made an impression on me. I don't know why. It was somehow dry, lifeless. And only later, as a student, I sometimes burst into tears, listening to the sermons of the famous orator Anthony [11], then already Arch. Volynsky... The ritual is of great importance. It hides great strength of spirit and action... And it is not without reason that the Uniates, who have preserved the Orthodox rite for centuries, easily return to their native Church; and those who have lost it (Poles, Slovaks, Croats, and partly Catholicized Uniates) remain in Catholicism... This, perhaps, is all my childhood and adolescence impressions. I include here not only my childhood, but the entire seminary, until the age of 22: in fact, spiritually I continued to be a youth. I will say: thank God! And it seemed as if everything was quite safe and stable... But why did everything soon begin to collapse? And in 1917-18, godlessness also collapsed on Russia... Where does it come from? The question is big... In short, we can say this: the visibility was more brilliant than the inner strength. Everyday life, rituals, traditions were preserved; and the power of faith, burning, the fire of grace was no longer enough... I have already said several times that I did not see any burning in my teachers, no one even inflamed us and did not talk to us about the inner life... They rolled by inertia. Spiritual life was falling, dying: appearances alone could not support it... And then there was underground work among the students... There have already been nihilists among us, though very rarely. And even more important: other fires were already being lit around the seminary; smoke from them flew to us, but still not much [12]... But, I repeat, there was already little fortitude. Very many seminarians left for secular paths, pastoral service no longer attracted them: this means that these formerly powerful classes of clergy began to cool down... The "religious autumn" was coming, I will say this... And when the frosts struck, the last leaves fell off. But is it really?! I don't believe it. Grant, O God, that we may arise... The biblical book of Psalms, which includes 150 psalms, is divided into 20 sections called kathismas for use in divine services. At Sunday Matins, which is part of the All-Night Vigil, the second and third kathismas are read. The second kathisma includes the 13th Psalm, which begins with the words: "The fool said in his heart, 'There is no God...' (Psalm 13, verse 1) – Ed. ^ We are talking about the book of the Russian publicist, sociologist and naturalist N. Y. Danilevsky "Darwinism. A Critical Study of N. Y. Danilevsky" (Vol. 1-2, St. Petersburg, 1885-1889) – Compilation. ^ The Kazan Monastery in Tambov, founded in 1667, since 1761 existed as a bishop's house - the residence of the bishop - Sost. ^ Bishop Benjamin tells about the priest Fr. Vasily Svetlov in detail in the book "God's People", mentions him in his other works – Comp. ^ St. Theophanes, the Recluse of Vyshensky (+1894) — in the world Georgy Govorov — a graduate of the Kiev Theological Academy, was in the Holy Land, on Mount Athos, in Constantinople. In 1859, he was consecrated Bishop of Tambov and Shatsk, and from 1863 to 1866 he occupied the Vladimir cathedra. In 1867 he retired and lived in seclusion in the Vyshna hermitage, spending his time in prayer and compiling works of religious and moral content. His main works are: "Letters on Christian Life", "Interpretation of the Apostolic Epistles", "Outline of Christian Doctrine". St. Theophan the Recluse was canonized as a saint of the Russian Orthodox Church at the Local Council of 1988. The monastery where Saint Theophan asceticized was officially called the Dormition Vyshna hermitage and was located in the Shatsk district of the Tambov province. The fact that Metropolitan Veniamin calls it the Kazan Icon is probably explained by the fact that there was a Kazan Cathedral in the monastery, in which the miraculous Kazan Vyshenskaya Icon of the Mother of God was located, which, apparently, gave the second name to the monastery – Sost. ^ Alexander, Bishop of Tambov and Shatsk, in the world Alexander Vasilyevich Bogdanov (1830-1898), occupied the Tambov cathedra from 1892 to 1898 – Ed. ^ Dimitry, Archbishop of Kherson and Odessa, in the world Mikhail Georgievich Kovalnitsky (1839-1913), in 1902-1903 in the rank of bishop served at the Tambov cathedra – Ed. ^ The Day of Saints Cyril and Methodius, Equal-to-the-Apostles, is celebrated on May 24 according to the new style. – Ed. ^ Subdeacons are junior clerics, clergymen who serve the bishop during divine services – Ed. ^ Here the silver vertebrae thundered... — the silver vertebrae on the vestments of the bishop are designed to remind him of the need to constantly preach the Word of God to his flock – Ed. ^ Metropolitan Anthony, in the world Alexei Pavlovich Khrapovitsky (1863-1936), was an outstanding hierarch of the Russian Church at the turn of the century, a brilliant preacher. Vladyka Anthony (first in the rank of bishop, and then archbishop) ruled the Volyn diocese from 1902 until almost the beginning of the World War. At the Local Council of 1917-1918 he was one of the candidates for the patriarchal throne, during the Civil War he participated in the White movement. Since 1920 he was a refugee. One of the main initiators of the so-called "Karlovtsy schism" is Sost. ^ However, there were already 2 riots in the seminary during my time, but they had absolutely nothing to do with the faith; however, they showed spiritual decay - Auth. ^

Chapter 5

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After the Dormition Fast [1] I entered damp Petersburg as a student of the Academy. I liked everything. The cab driver drove me to the Lavra of St. Alexander Nevsky; with a suitcase I entered the "sacred canopy" of the Theological Academy [2]. It was a good time... With what, with what baggage of faith did I come here? It is necessary to summarize.Two or three signs can be noted:1. I was a believer. But this faith was a faith according to tradition, according to tradition, according to everyday life: family, school, seminary — supported it, not deepening, not revealing, not igniting, but only preserving it. The seminary instilled another quality in this: faith in the mind, in the power of "knowledge," rationalism.We were brought up in the firm view that everything can and must be understood, explained; that everything in the world is rational... And all of our theological science, in essence scholastic, rational and school, stood on this basis: everything is clear. If you don't eat, then you should be. Everything can be understood. In particular, all the objects of faith must be "proved" by the mind and the intellect... And this is in dogmatics, in philosophy, and in the Holy Scriptures... In essence, we were more Catholic seminarians, Thomists (Thomas Aquinas) [3] than Orthodox, spiritually and mystically educated in living experience... This was a great mistake in the whole spirit of our school: rationalism—not in the philosophical, but in the practical sense of education. We were brought up in idolatry of the mind, which also affected our entire intellectual society in the nineteenth century, especially since the sixties. And this poison corrupted faith, humiliated it, as if it were a dark area of "feeling" and not reason. Fortunately, in our adolescence and youth in the seminary, this scholasticism (intellectual direction) and rationality did not leave a large trace, because we did not delve very deeply into this rational spirit — we looked at it simply as study, as a training in mastery; That is why we were better in our hearts than in knowledge: there we believed simply, "like everyone else," and lived as far as possible according to this faith. However, in our heads, oil, i.e., the superiority and exclusive value of the mind, floated above, above the water of life and faith. And life, as always, turned out to be stronger than the theory and conclusions of the so-called mind. The soul has its own, deeper mind, true reason, intuition (inner perception of truth). And it was this inner reason, and not the external formal reason, that saved us. And this explains why I and others retained the faith, although the waves of temptation were already rolling over it from everywhere: the soul recoiled instinctively. The external ritual also helped to protect this jewel: that's why I wrote small sketches about it above... This applies to all of us believers, not just me.4. But the strength of the spirit, the burning of life, fall everywhere – imperceptibly, but irresistibly. There was no interest. Religion could not be called "life." It was more "knowledge," i.e., a store of memory, of fruitless arguments; a warehouse of "cold notes of the mind," as Pushkin said. And in general, everything was already falling in Russia, all values. The Church with its schools could not resist either.There was little spiritual experience.So, I went to the academy with "simple" faith, but also with the worship of the mind... Gradually, this soon began to be applied... But I can consider that before the academy I experienced the first period of faith, the so-called "simple", "childish" faith, faith by trust, according to tradition. It will be replaced by another.

* * *

The extent to which we students were little interested in genuine religious life is evident from at least one fact. 3 months have passed. We managed to visit all the museums, theaters, the Public Library (and even then very few - this one); We listened to the professors and threw them away (there were only 2-3 official duty officers)... We heard all sorts of choirs. And they did not bother to see the glorious, famous throughout Russia, revered abroad, great man of prayer, miracle-worker – Fr. John of Kronstadt [4]. Is this not a sign of coolness of spirit? Well, at least out of curiosity - even this was not there. And the vast majority, with the exception of maybe 5 or 10 percent, did not want to see him after 4 years of study! And even the authorities and professors never said a single word about him... And it was necessary to call him, to beg him to visit us... After all, his people visited him every day in thousands, flocking from all Great Russia to Kronstadt... We, the future pastors, were not interested. Shame and disgrace! And in the number of 2-3 people, already in November, and then more out of curiosity, we went to Kronstadt and saw this spiritual giant... The Church, its highest intellectual strata, did not live the life of the spirit, but reasoned. Well, as for Fr. John... What a scientist, they say?.. He is not of science; not interesting... But we were not interested in science either. They were not particularly interested in anything: spiritual life was deaf. And many people think that before the revolution, everything was supposedly fine... No and no! The poles are already rotten. The roof was still holding, but the foundation was shaking. One of my acquaintances, who later held a very high political post, M., said back in the 1910s in St. Petersburg: "If some catastrophe does not happen to Russia, then everything will perish..." And another politician, a writer, a former revolutionary, T. [5], also wrote in his diary the following words about the Church (1907): "Everything that concerns Russia is not gratifying either, and even more important is the Church. The shepherds are smitten, the sheep are mad; and nowhere to see, nowhere to be felt, God's messenger for our salvation... If there is no violent crisis, no revolution, there will be slow (italics in italics) decay. I don't see any data for a "peaceful update". There are, perhaps, chances of fatigue and disappointment of everyone and in everything. Peaceful vegetation and decay can arise from everywhere... But this is even worse than a revolution" (Red Archive, vol. 61, p. 85)." The Lord has left us to the mercy of the forces of hell. We have fallen inwardly" (94). ... Already (!) "and it's time to think about the soul." Other things seemed important to everyone: politics, material structure, satisfaction of sensual needs, and, perhaps, sciences, art... All this was called and was real life... And what about religion? Well, is this "life"? It's even embarrassing to say "life"... Well, at best, the sum of cold dogmas, the label of a believer... If religion is to be life for us, it will be only "there," in "heaven"... And now? "Now we have lived and live by everything, but not by faith... "Not yet old: it is not yet time to think about the soul." And life is given once... Make use of life, everyone who lives. And others are already bored with her. The clergy could not pour living fire into the cooling body; for we ourselves lived coolly, did not burn.And indeed: why do I need the Most Holy Trinity? Do I have any living relationship with Her, or is there only a "recognizing" faith left? Why do I need Christ, the incarnate Son of God? I have a direct living connection with Him?.. What is grace? Do I know her? I've heard of her; I "believe" that it exists somewhere; but not for me... And me? "Oh, me, we "can" everything by ourselves, we build our own personal and common, human life... I have thought many times about the question of grace. I was taught in schools to know about this, that all good is given from grace, from the Holy Spirit. Spirit. But frankly I confess here that in the depths of my heart I not only did not feel it, but even, I must admit, did not really agree. On the contrary, like everyone around him, he thought: man can do everything on his own.In such faith in "man" even our education was built – psychology, moral theology... Everything is done by the natural efforts of our mind and will. Not only in psychological textbooks, but also in life, there was no place for the intervention of another force, a grace-filled one... Is the life of the state upset? Well, what then? Let's get together, spread our minds, invent new political forms, and... Fix. Is faith falling? The Educational Committee will "prescribe" and indicate - and ... Patriotism is running out of steam? "Well... "somehow" and here "it will be all right." Let's start a general education: "science will save the world," said one rector of the university at its opening. (And at that time, we, scientists, were already being squeezed out of all Russia by the Bolsheviks... And for good reason!) And so everything rolled down... Steadily. "Human! "It sounds proud," someone says in Gorky, this prophet of the moment. One bishop [6] (still now, in 1939, living in exile) said to me in Moscow, when we were going to preach in one of the churches in Zamoskvoretsk: "Only now have I understood why I need Christ the Lord personally! "And he used to be not only a teacher of religion, but also a missionary... And he was at least 52-54 years old at that time.Is this not a sign of the impoverishment of the spirit? But we did not long to see Fr. John of Kronstadt... I suppose that this bishop was hardly ever eager to see the great Lamp of Faith... Are we not foolish virgins?! Are not "lamps" without oil?! And the same politician T. writes the truth: "Everything earthly is broken. Now you can only live "heavenly"... "Only"... I am writing this word, this phrase, and it already shows how little I have prepared for heavenly things, how little space it occupies in my heart! This means that I actually appreciated the heavenly unexpectedly, since it coloured (formerly) the earthly forms and the earthly content of life. Like a "foolish maiden" is not a supply of oil; and there is nothing with which to light the lamp at the sounds: "Behold the Bridegroom is coming"... He burned all the oil on the kings and on the people; and now there are neither kings nor people; one Bridegroom is coming; and in the lamp there is emptiness" (87 p.). "All my journalism has scattered... Large and small works are simply comical in fate, beginning with the work of the work, passing through the monarchy, and ending with the Church" (91 p.). He also speaks unflatteringly of us, the bishops, that we all adapt more: "if only we do not fight"... This is worse than infancy" (about which the Kazan professor of church law Berdinkov wrote to him) — and this is now a characteristic feature of all representatives of our "fundamentals" (87 p.): lukewarmness. The Dormition Fast begins on August 14 and lasts until the day of the Dormition of the Most Holy Theotokos – August 28 (New Style) – Ed. ^ The Theological Academy in St. Petersburg is located in the immediate vicinity of the Alexander Nevsky Lavra – Ed. ^ Thomas Aquinas (1225 or 1226–1274) was a theologian and philosopher of the Catholic Church, a Dominican monk. He was canonized by the Western Church – Ed. ^St. Righteous John of Kronstadt († 1908) was a great man of prayer in the Russian land, who possessed the gift of miracles and clairvoyance, a preacher and spiritual writer. He was canonized by the Russian Orthodox Church in 1989. Vladyka Benjamin (then a young hieromonk) met with St. John of Kronstadt and concelebrated with him during the Divine Liturgy. Vladyka honored the memory of the great righteous man all his life and often turned to his legacy – Compilation. ^ Tikhomirov Lev Alexandrovich (1850-1923) - publicist, editor of the newspaper "Moscow Vedomosti", collaborated in "Novy Mir" and "Russian Review" In his youth - a revolutionary terrorist, a member of the party "Land and Freedom". He lived in exile from 1883 to 1889. He revised his convictions as a result of an internal coup and returned to Russia – Compilation. ^ Perhaps this refers to Metropolitan Kirill (Smirnov) (1863-1941 or 1944). Vladyka Veniamin was in close contact with him during the work of the Local Council of 1917-1918, and in the life of Metropolitan Kirill he taught religion at the Elizabeth-Polish Gymnasium (1881) and labored at the Ecclesiastical Mission in Urmia (1902-1906). From 1910, Vladyka Kirill occupied the Tambov cathedra, and in 1914 he participated in the celebrations of the glorification of St. Pitirim of Tambov († 1698), which was attended by Archimandrite Veniamin (Fedchenkov), then rector of the Theological Seminary. ^

Chapter 6

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I note: I write, in fact, not about myself personally, but in general: about faith. Personal biographical material is for me only an illustration of general ideas. And, I hope, it makes more interesting, lively those "abstract" conclusions that are then made... For properly "abstract" ideas are not at all dry, dead formulas of the understanding; under them was and is the most vivid and concrete experience of living people; and from this "experience" of life the general conclusions are only "abstracted into concise formulas," into "abstract" ideas. In essence, however, the most so-called "abstract" philosophy, even mathematics, is nothing but the facts of life (whether personal or physical, spiritual or material). Or to put it another way: every human work fundamentally has personal biographical perceptions, experiences, feelings, intuition, thoughts. Everywhere it is possible, with a deep study, to reveal the personal, autobiographical underpinnings – which is usually done by biographers – of philosophers, economists, poets, musicians, etc. That is why I ask the readers of my notes not to complain about my autobiographical material. After all, the human soul is very homogeneous, similar: and aren't my experiences to a large extent common, typical of many others, at least from the intellectual class like me? I think so. And therefore is not my autobiography to a considerable extent, or at least to a certain extent, your autobiography? And isn't it because we are interested in and even understand someone else's autobiography that it is akin to ourselves? And if it is not kindred, not "congenial", then they would not have understood: "SIMILIS SIMILI GAUDET" ("like rejoices in like", as the Romans said).And the Lord Jesus Christ Himself in the Gospel of John explains why exactly the Jews did not understand and did not accept Him and why the disciples accepted Him: "You seek to kill Me, because My word does not fit into you." "Why do you not understand my speech? For you cannot hear My words." And why is that? You are not related to Me and My words, "Your father is the devil..." "Ye are of the lowest, I am of the highest; you are of this world, I am not of this world." "I am from God" (My Father) "went forth and came." "You are not of God." That is why "you do not believe Me." And vice versa: "He who is of God hears the words of God" (John, ch. 8)." Who wants" (not even yet creating, but only "wanting"... how little is required, but it is precisely this will and will that is required at the beginning) "to do His will, he shall know of this doctrine, whether it be of God" (John 7:17). This "willing" alone already shows the affinity of the desirer with the desired... Like is drawn to like... Already volition is the beginning of "understanding." Desire is an attraction to union with desire, even if it is also "instinctively".And in the Gospel of Matthew, the Lord explained this same religious epistemology, the path of knowledge through the affinity of souls. I mean a remarkable, though figurative, explanation of the Jews' rejection not only of Christ, but also of Him Himself. I'll write out this place." Whoever has ears to hear, let him hear!" But to whom shall I liken this generation (the Jews)? He is like children who sit in the street and, addressing their comrades (capricious, stubborn), say: "We played the pipe for you, and you did not dance; we sang sorrowful songs to you, and you did not weep. For John has come, neither eating nor drinking; And they say, "A demon is in him." The Son of Man has come, eating and drinking; And they say: "Behold, a man who loves to eat and drink wine, a friend of publicans and sinners".... Not to please the stubborn Jews... Answer: "And wisdom (truth) is justified by her children" (Matt. 11:15-19).The truth, Christ, was accepted, considered indubitable, correct, righteous ("justified" as true) – only "her children", the children of the truth. That is the essence: those who are dear to her, kindred, truly similar in spirit are like relatives, like the children of their mother...... Here, though very briefly, one of the basic laws of cognition, of all cognition in general (both the spiritual and the material world), is revealed: the similarity of the cognizer to the cognized... Otherwise knowledge is impossible... Here is the root of the basic idea of the philosophy of real-intuitionism (Lossky, Frank, Bergson, our Slavophiles - Khomyakov, Kireevsky and others) ... Man is like both the world (microcosm) and God (macrocosm, if we use these terms in such an application): man carries within himself both this "small" world and that "big" world. And therefore he understands both of them. If he does not accept "that" world, then a terrible illness has befallen his soul: "the likeness of God" has fallen... And then it is no longer possible to "prove" to him by any words or reason: there is no place to which the truth could cling. "You are blind." (John 9:39-41). And why is this?—From pride (Matt. 11:25).Then the question arises: how then can this likeness be restored? Only by a new revelation of God to man, a new manifestation of His "image" in his soul. And this is possible through the Son: "All things have been delivered to Me by My Father, and no man knoweth the Son but the Father; and the Father knoweth no man but the Son, and to whom the Son willeth to reveal" (Matt. 11:27)... Now it is revealed that the truth is God; and man's knowledge of Him is possible because and insofar as God is in man and reveals Himself to him; This is the essence of affinity... Truth is from God, God is from grace. Grace is the Truth. Grace also makes a person "kindred" in the soul: do you not know that you are "the temple of the Holy Spirit who dwells in you, Whom you have from God"... "both in your bodies and in your souls, which are God's" (1 Corinthians 6:19, 20). Or why does He leave our soul? Why couldn't Christ convert even the Jews? Why does grace not illuminate the minds of all people throughout the world? Here human free will, the sinfulness of the soul in general, appears on the way [1]... All sins (both carnal and especially spiritual) remove God and distort our likeness to God. "Those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit"... "All who are led by the Spirit of God are the Sons of God... This same Spirit bears witness to our spirit that we are the children of God" (Rom. 8:5, 14, 16), and vice versa — carnal — outside the Spirit of God (vv. 7-9).But especially terrible and dangerous is the spirit of pride, selfishness: it does not allow God Himself to dwell in the human soul and make it feel the truth within." You don't want to come to me to have life"... Why? "I know you: you have no love for God in you." And why is that? — "How can you believe, when you receive glory from one another?" — i.e., you are selfish, proud, and therefore "you do not seek the glory that is from God alone"... But when "another (the Antichrist) comes in his name" and not in God's, "you will receive him": he will be from you, from the devil, to whom both you and he are kindred (John 5). "I say what I have seen in My Father: but you do what you have seen in your father": "You do the works of your father" the devil (John 8:38, 41). Meanwhile, there is no other way:— Come to Me... and learn from Me: "For I am meek and lowly in heart" – these words are spoken immediately after showing the way to the knowledge of the truth: "To whom the Son will reveal" (Matt. 11:27-28). To whom? "Who will humble himself like Him. And then Christ will reveal Himself to him. And the first manifestation of this Humility is faith in His words, simply faith in Him... You will believe, and then His word will dwell again in the soul, and it will see the truth: "You ... you have not His (God's) word abiding in you, because you do not believe Him Whom He has sent" (John 5:37-38). likeness to God comes from grace in the heart; unbelief — from the loss of Godlikeness; return to the truth from the restoration of likeness to God through the Grace of Christ— Grace — Only given through Christ;— The path to Christ — faith in Him;— Faith — from humility, at least from the determination to believe, to humbly recognize the truth.Thus we came to important, but also simple conclusions — facts: faith — from grace; grace comes from humility. Consequently, as St. Barsanuphius the Great, "faith is humility." And unbelief, says St. Anthony the Great, "from frivolous audacity".Thus, all the most "abstract" things are connected with our spiritual "heartfelt roots". This is where autobiographical material comes in handy. Here you remember the truth of David's words, in which, against my will, against my "heart," my mind doubted: "He is a fool in his heart, saying, There is no God"... Thank God: my heart has never accepted this. I came to the academy with this. Rationalism was a light crust. "Everyone who desires evil hates the light, and does not come to the light; … but he that doeth righteousness cometh unto the light" (John 3:20, 21). ^

Chapter 7

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... I have run ahead of myself: I will have to talk even further about the laws of knowledge, about the ways of faith... But I think this is better: little by little it is easier for our simple mind and simple heart to accept so-called "abstract ideas." And if there is a lot at once, it will be more difficult to digest. And in the Gospel: now miracles, then parables, then teaching, again – works... But it's time to start talking about the academy. However, I will postpone this for a while. And I will cite from the Gospel a few facts, examples of how the Lord Himself connected His "abstract teaching" with the events of life, with facts, — or with analogies, comparisons, One can say that the entire Gospel of John, in the first 13 chapters, is full of this method of revelation... Perhaps someone does not know this? And very interesting; and this greatly simplifies the understanding of Christ's instructions, which for some reason seem to be unconnected, but as if only accidentally attached to events... Look.Chapter 1. Direct and clear testimony that Christ is the Son of God – contrary to the unbelief of the Jews: "He came to His own (the Jews), and His own did not receive Him." What is needed?Chapter 2. The Jews need to change their souls, just as wine was changed into water (Cana of Galilee). And Christ can do it: a fact. And he will prove it again. How? Resurrection (of His temple, His body). Is this change easy, alone?Chapter 3. It is very difficult. You have to put up with it... And Nicodemus was afraid of his own, he came at night: self-love. A radical, decisive change is needed. And this is possible only through the new birth of the Spirit. To do this, you must first believe in Christ. And for this, do what is right, do not sin. John the Baptist has already accepted: at least listen to this, Jews... And if not him, then at least a pagan... Chapter 4. The conversation and faith of the Samaritan woman – the harlot, the sinner and the semi-pagan Samaritans... But in his own country, in Judea (v. 44), they do not yet believe... Even Roman pagans, like the Capernaum courtier, had already begun to believe... "And he believed, and all his house." But the Jews persisted, the Jews are half-dead, weak: they do not want to get up, they cannot get up "on their own." They are paralyzed in soul. Healing of a paralytic 38-year-old. "And straightway he recovered." How easy everything is with God! And the Jews want to kill Christ. Worse not only than this paralytic, but even worse than the real dead: the time will come (and soon, at the resurrection: Matt. 27:51-53), "and it is now," and "the dead will hear the voice of the Son of God" (25). But you, Jews, do not hear, do not receive: neither My words, nor John the Baptist, nor even miraculous works. Why?Chapter 6. Because they are carnal, earthly.If I promised you earthly blessings, you would follow Me... Is it? — The miracle of turning 5 loaves into a multitude to feed 5000... Rapture... They decided to reign. They rushed to Him... But why? "For they have eaten bread and are satisfied" (v. 26). But this food is temporary. And you need to strive for eternity. Heavenly... What is it? One must believe (28-29). And Christ Himself is the Spiritual Bread: life in Him is eternal life (33). In particular, while still on earth it is possible and necessary to partake of this Bread – the Body and drink His Blood: the Sacrament of Communion... Such is the transition from the miracle of the loaves. But this "uninteresting" was incomprehensible even to closer students. They were tempted and left. Carnal thinking. They believed in the carnal mind: how can it be (41, 42, 52, 66)... But think of the manna of heaven (49)! Nothing helps. "The flesh profiteth nothing": the natural, carnal mind is helpless, useless, even harmful. What is needed is a "Spirit" who "gives life": His words are the Spirit (63)... And the Spirit is given by the Father through the Son (44-46). And those who are carnal, unrelated, intellectual, have departed. And at the same words about the Body and Blood, his kinsmen, the disciples, Peter, remained, for they believed "that Thou art the Christ, the Son of the living God." And if you believe in this, then to whom should you go? "There's no one to go to... And if they believe in the main thing – the truth and Divinity of Christ, then everything else, even if it is unattainable partaking of His Body and drinking of His Blood, – must be accepted, and it is not difficult to accept (67-69)... They became related to Him... But even out of the 12, one still falls away — for he is the "devil," he is related to the devil... He is also carnal, like the Jews: a lover of money, a materialist, earthly... And Christ calls to the Heavenly Bread.Two loaves: earthly bread and "I am the Bread of Life" (48)... People chose the first and rejected the second. The miracle of 5000 explained: why – carnal... Here two opposite spirits of life collided.Chapter 7. Choose then, Jew, one thing: either the world, or Me, the living water (37-39) of the Holy Spirit... The Jews were divided: the rulers had already decided to arrest Him (30), and "many of the people believed" in Him (31). And already Nicodemus dares to defend: without a court of law it is impossible to decide about a man (51)... "And they all went home"... (53). How sorry for them. They dispersed helplessly. What is the reason for this stubbornness of rejection? Sinfulness, slavery of the spirit, which is based on the power of the devil over their souls. And this power and sinfulness are more terrible than any other sin. More terrible than the most terrible fornication.Chapter 8. Behold, these same judges bring him unto him, a prostitute caught in the place of adultery, v. 3. (And why did they not seize her accomplice, for if according to the law, then according to the law both should be stoned: Leviticus 20:10. Perhaps he was one of the same hypocrite Pharisees? And what happened? This harlot—blessed be she! — humbly waited for a fair trial... She did not argue, did not make excuses... And this "justified". She was pardoned: "Go, and sin no more"... "And I do not condemn you"... He who through Moses commanded to judge and even stone such people, He now "does not condemn." And how can one condemn one who has already humbled herself? "Neither a sword cuts a guilty head, nor a knife cuts it." She had already condemned herself and submitted to Christ—which was what she needed... And they? And what about the judges? They do not want to know the law, the zealots of which they are supposedly ... The law commands that the truth be admitted in the presence of two witnesses. There are two witnesses for Him: the Father and He Himself (17-18). And "which of you shall convict Me of unrighteousness?" (46). You have brought a harlot, she is a sinner. But you, Jews, are much more sinful than it... How? First, you cannot be the first to throw a stone at it, which was required by the law of pure witnesses (Deuteronomy 17:6-7) — for you yourselves are subject to beating for the same sin. But secondly, you are even more sinful, because you persist in unbelief and pride; for, thirdly, you are slaves, slaves to yourselves, slaves to your own sinfulness (34); fourthly, you slaves are the children of the devil (41-44)... That's how sinful you are... The harlot turned out to be incomparably better than you and has already been saved. And you can't. And only the Son could free you (36) from this slavery of falsehood and restore you to the truth (32)... But you don't want that. And then there is only one thing left for you: you will remain in this depravity, "you will die in your sins" (24). And then it is not for you to judge the sinner, but for you to judge My judgment and the Father's judgment (15:26, 50)... But they remained stubborn in spite of all their sinfulness, remained unrepentant, and did not humble themselves. And even they continued to blame Him: "Is it not true that we say that you are a Samaritan, and that a demon is in you" (48:52). And His works bear witness that He was sent from the Father (John 5:36). But it almost does not help. And at first they wanted to stone the sinner, but they did not dare, and now they took stones to throw at Him. But He hid unnoticed from the murderers... Chapter 9. Blind, blind, unfortunate! And there is nothing to be done with them: when they see, they do not see (39)? A man born blind can be made to see, rather than to be restored to the vision of the fact of the recognition of the Messiah Christ. ... The miracle of the healing of a man born blind... God, how alarmed the leaders are! A clear sign of God. And they just said that a demon was in Him. The Pharisees tormented this healed man and his old and poor parents so much that you even get tired of reading about these interrogations, verbal tortures: is it you? Were you blind? How do you see? Who healed him? Why on Saturday? Oh, poor blind people — stubborn... The former blind man believed in the Son of God (35-38). And those who see are blind (39).—Are we also blind? they ask Him. — "If you had been blind (i.e., through ignorance did not acknowledge Me), you would not have had sin upon you; but as you say that you see, the sin (already consciously) remains upon you" (41). Of course! Perseverance is final.Chapter 10. We are strangers to each other... You are not My sheep; and I am not your Shepherd. For my sheep hear and know. My voice, it (the word, the Spirit, grace) lives in them... Some of you are my sheep of the Jews. But there will still be sheep from another pagan fold, and they will come in your place: "And there shall be one flock..." (16). And "you are not of my sheep" (26)... But no one will snatch My sheep; for the Father Himself keeps with Me. "I and the Father are one" (30)... "I am the Son of God" (36)... "Believe my works" (38), "to know and believe that the Father is in me, and I am in him" (38)... Again they grabbed the stones (31, 32, 33, 39). And "many there believed in Him" (42).Chapter 11. About Lazarus. His resurrection... Why did this come to mind? It is usually answered that Ev. John wrote down what others had omitted; and it was dangerous for the first three Evangelists to mention Lazarus, for he was alive and bishop on the island of Cyprus, and he could have been killed... That's true too... But not in everything, for example: all the other Evangelists speak of the miraculous feeding of loaves (Matt. 14; Mark 6; Luke 9). Also about the entry into Jerusalem, about sufferings, resurrections, appearances, etc. Were there other motives for the choice of events? — Undoubtedly. And I said: he chose such facts that gave him reason to recall the teaching expressed by the Lord about them, or to explain the consequences to which these events led. For a long time the Jews asked Him: "What sign will You give, that we may see and believe You?" (John 6:30). "By what sign wilt thou prove unto us that thou hast the power to do so" (2:18). And ev. Luke, telling in the parable "Of the Rich Man and Lazarus" how he asked to raise Lazarus and send him to the living brethren, so that they would believe and "not come to this place of torment", quotes the words of Abraham (which for a Jew was more convincing than the words of Christ Himself – see John 9:33, 37, 39): "If they do not listen to Moses and the prophets (the Scriptures), then if someone were to rise from the dead, they will not believe" (Luke 16:29-31).The Lord foretold the Jews that the resurrection of Lazarus would not help them either, for they did not want to know the truth at all, like the children of the liar devil. "From this day they determined to kill Him" (53). But even at the cross they will ask Him again: "Let him now come down from the cross, and let us believe in Him" (Matt. 27:42). And not only did He descend still alive, but He rose from the dead, from under the seal of the military guard; But they did not believe: "They gave enough money to the soldiers, and said, Tell them that His disciples came by night and stole Him while we slept; and if the rumor of this reaches the governor (Pilate), we will convince him and save you from trouble... And this word has spread among the Jews to this day" (Matt. 28:12-15). Thus, the resurrection of Lazarus was the last and extreme, even humanly, "proof" of the power of Christ; but they only became embittered and decided to kill... Along with this, the resurrection of Lazarus is given by Ev. John has reason to recall the revelation of Christ — that He is not a simple miracle-worker — like Elijah and Elisha, who raised the dead — but the Self-source of life." I am the seven resurrection and life" (25), He insistently assures Martha. Martha still does not believe and then says: "It already stinks!" (39). And He reproached her for her lack of faith: "Did I not tell you that if you believe, you will see the glory of God?.." (40)." And he came out dead" (44)." The people were shocked by the miracle" (12, 17-18). And many believed. And the rulers decided to kill Him, for which purpose they gave orders to arrest Him at His first appearance (11:57) among the people.12 chapter. The anointing with precious myrrh and the love of money of Judas the traitor... The request of the pagan Greeks to acquaint them with "Jesus" and the words of the Lord about recognizing Him after and for His death on the cross (20-33)... The people thought that Christ should live forever (34), but what about death? Christ did not answer this: it is fruitless to speak of His eternal existence... It has already been said (8, 51-53; 56-57; 11, 24-26)... They wanted to stone him for this. Therefore, He no longer proves, but simply invites you to believe: while there is still time, while He is among them: "While the light is with you, believe in the light"... And disappeared... And the meek, pure-hearted John marvels: how is it that his fellow Jews, after "so many miracles," did not believe in Him. He is looking for an explanation for this stubbornness. And he recalls the words of the prophet Isaiah: "They themselves have closed their eyes, that they may not see" (Isaiah 6:10; 53:1)... Stubborn: "For they loved the glory of men more than the glory of God" (43)... Carnality... Pride... If he stays, the court is for them. But it will not be He who will judge: "I have not come to judge the world, but to save the world" (47), but His very word, His teaching, which the Father gave Him... Otherwise, at the judgment the unbelievers will be unanswerable, for they have heard the Word of Christ.13 chapter. Washing the feet gives rise to the instruction on humility... Humility is the root of faith and love (12-15). Judas could not stand it. This had already become completely unacceptable to him: he wanted to see in Jesus an earthly king who gave ordinary bread, and not a teacher of spiritual "bread"... That is why it was then that the Lord foretold: "One of you is the devil" (Chapter 6). And now Christ the Lord says: "One of you will betray Me" (21)... Satan entered into Judas (27). Formerly, like the Jews in general, he was among the "children" of the devil possessed by him; and now it has happened much more real and terrible: "Satan" entered into him, and moreover himself.Judas went out to his evil deed as a tool of Satan and of the Jewish people in general. and said to them the last farewell conversation... Love one another (Chapter 13). I'm leaving... but you believe. I go to the Father... So that you can prepare a place there, and not here. I can lead you there, for I Myself am the way, "the truth and the life." For I am one with the Father God: "I am in the Father, and the Father in Me." "Believe me" in this, and if it is difficult for you to accept, then believe me according to the very works. And you yourselves will work miracles after Me, even greater than I. Only ask the Father for this, but in My name, for Me. And I will send you power for all things, the Holy Spirit. And I Myself will not leave you orphans: I will come to you. Secretly, hiddenly, into your hearts: and then you will know by experience that "I am in My Father, and you are in Me, and I in you." But only in order to be worthy of this, live holy, fulfill My commandments... For this reason I and the Father have loved you, "and We will come" "and make a dwelling place" in your hearts.... Gosh! How far all this is from the Jewish "loaves" and Judas' pieces of silver.It was difficult to understand, and now it is difficult for us, the reader, to understand: how can the Father and the Son enter into a man and dwell in Him? Isn't it a secret? This is the revelation of Christ. And Christ does not explain it, for they could not yet contain it... But then the "Comforter, the Holy Spirit," the "Spirit of Truth" will come, and He will "teach you all things" by experience... Again, the path of knowledge is experientially grace-filled, and not verbal. And even rejoice in My departure: it is better for you. I have done My work, which "the Father has commanded Me" (Chapter 14). But even after My departure, you abide with Me and in Me, like branches on a vine. How? — By faith, by keeping My commandments, by loving Me, by loving one another to the point of living like Me. Then you will be 'my friends,' but love one another'... And if the world does not love you, and even hates you – and this is exactly what will happen, the Lord warns – do not be dismayed, I am an example of this: the world hated Me before you, as a stranger, unrelated in spirit... And you are no greater than Me, do not be amazed when they persecute you for My Name's sake, for Me... They will be responsible for it as wrong; For I have taught them and performed miracles for them, "such as no one else has ever done" in the world. He will strengthen you in the truth. He Himself will bear witness to Me through you; and you will bear witness, because you are with me from the beginning, as my witnesses, reliable eyewitnesses (chapter 15). .... A bitter warning. They will hate, persecute, torture... But he warns you about it beforehand: "lest you be offended" when it comes... I've said everything... And I have done everything, "and now I go to Him who sent Me." Do not grieve: the Comforter will comfort you instead of Me. The Holy Spirit (Christ repeats about Him for the third time). He will instruct you also (4th time) and through you He will glorify Me also, which is joyful for you who love Me... Do not be sad. I Have Overcome the World (Chapter 16). Then He says a prayer to the Father, in which He says that He has fulfilled His mission and now prays to the Father to preserve the disciples and all believers "from evil", for for them He "offered Himself as a sacrifice". And finally he asks the Father for the future unity of all in Him, and through Him with the Father: that they may be one, even as We are one. And let the love of the Father be in them, and I in them (chapter 17). Christ's ministry — in teaching and works — is over... Now it remains to offer Himself as an atoning sacrifice... The betrayal, the judgment, the death, the burial, the resurrection, the apparitions, the ascension, and the embassy of the disciples to the world preaching are accomplished, with the comforting promise: "And behold, I am with you always, even to the end of the age. Amen" (Matt. 28, p. 20).These words could not be said by man, they are peculiar only to God... Unexpectedly for myself, I spread... But I am not sad. The Word of God itself is always active and living (Heb. 4:12), and "inspired by God and profitable... for instruction in righteousness, that the man of God may be perfect"... (2 Tim. 3:16-17).And I hope that it will be useful to the reader as well... And if it was "interesting", or if it seems even unconvincing to anyone, then it is worth thinking deeply, deeply about this terrible fact: God's Word has become boring and weak... This led me to new memories of my attitude to the Word of God both in seminary and at the beginning of the academy. With this, I will begin my academic memoirs of faith.

Chapter 8

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