When I received a blessing from Elder Fr. Nektarios and Elder Fr. Anatoly to go to serve in the world, in the parish church (this was completely unusual in those days), I was deeply surprised and confused. I do not know who spoke about me to His Holiness Patriarch Tikhon, but I was invited to see him, he accepted me, and allowed me to serve in the parish church, where Archpriest Paul was the rector. The Patriarch spoke with me for ten minutes, blessed me and said prophetic words about my priestly path, I will not say them, they are too hidden. I will say one thing: while in exile and camps, being taken out to be shot, beaten during interrogations and almost dying in the frosty stages, I believed the words of the great hierarch of the Russian land, Patriarch Tikhon, that his predestined words would be fulfilled and I would again come to you, my spiritual children. He believed boldly, for these were the words of the Patriarch.

I, an inexperienced hieromonk Arseny, came to the rector of the church, Fr. Paul. Tall, bearded, a little bulky, with a kind and friendly face, he looked at me skeptically, asking me to tell me about himself. He spoke at length and in detail: about life before the monastery, about childhood, education, passion for ancient Russian art and architecture, life in the Optina Hermitage. Father Pavel did not ask a single question, he said: You are from the intelligentsia, I also have such parishioners, they all have some kind of search and search, they cannot even find themselves in the faith, so you will deal with them, I do not understand them well. I have not been to the Optina Hermitage, I have heard a lot about Elder Nektarios, Elder Anatoly, and the elders Nikon and Barsanuphius. They say that the elders are great, but Moscow is not Optina, a noisy, sinful city.

From time immemorial, my great-grandfathers and grandfathers were priests, and good priests, I aspired to the priesthood all my life, graduated from the seminary, then the Academy, but I did not meet with the eldership. There are priests in Moscow, they have created communities, they want to follow the Optina path in the world, God help them. You know, my friend (Fr. Paul had a favorite expression, father), it is difficult to be a priest in the world, especially in Moscow, you cannot imagine! This is not a monastery where everything is scheduled by the hour. I would gladly go to a monastery, but I can't leave the parishioners, I'm married, children, although adults, but children. Did Fr. Paul know the Lord's will? He was arrested and died in exile in the Arkhangelsk region of starvation six years after this conversation. The authorities are destroying the church, sending priests to the camps, who will I leave the church to? Father Michael is a good man, but he loves a glass. You know, Fr. Arseny! I will leave it to you, and blessed me.

Here's the thing, my friend, that everything that is monastic will remain with you, but I will retrain you for service in the city. Do not be offended, you are strong in education, but I have been serving as a priest for more than thirty-five years, and I will pass on to you everything I know. You know, this bulky, bearded priest Fr. Paul, cheerful, smiling, a lover of strong tea with sugar and drinking it with black bread, possessed great spiritual perfection, I revered him. His spiritual world was not inferior to the spiritual world of the Optina Elders, but it was different, urban.

And so I, Hieromonk Arseny, felt in my spirit, saw two paths, different, but leading to the same goal. And I pondered, asked the Lord to indicate which spiritual path to take, which one to choose. I pondered for a long time, prayed, begging the Lord to help me make the right choice, and went to the Optina Hermitage to receive advice from the elders. I lived for three days, Fr. Anatoly listened and said: I bless! May the mercy of the Lord be with you. Go for it! Father Nektarios received him only on the third day just before his departure, listened and was silent for a long time, apparently praying, then said: There is an elder in Moscow, he leads parishioners in Optina, this is who should be an example. Go to churches, look, consult, the Lord will enlighten you. Go and find your way.

I left, visited the Moscow priests who led the communities, each had his own opinion, gave different advice, different from each other, but the blessing of Elder Anatoly was a guiding star for me. I saw that the authorities were doing everything to destroy the Church, and I understood that it would be even worse in the future: the clergy were repressed, churches were closed and destroyed.

My thought was to teach a person to have unlimited faith in God and to love his neighbor. I believed and still believe that the faith of Christ is based on two commandments about love for the Lord and neighbor, and I have told you about this many times.

The Lord was merciful and showed a great miracle to me, unworthy. At two o'clock, after Liturgy, in deep thought, I walked through the streets, thinking about my service, and suddenly I saw that I was in Goncharny Lane, now, I think, it is called Volodarsky Street, it is near Taganskaya Square. I looked at my watch, it was already five o'clock, which meant that I had been thinking for three hours. What brings me here? Childhood memories or something else? I saw that I was standing near the house of my friend, whom I had not met for several years. I didn't know about his life now, I wanted to pass, but an incomprehensible force drew me to come in. He rang the bell, Kostya himself opened the door, he was very happy, but said: Peter! Wait in the next room, now I have Vladyka Hilarion, Bishop of Verey, there will be a long and important conversation. I felt that I was in the way, and after saying a few words, I began to say goodbye and had already opened the door to the staircase, but I heard the sound of the door opening and an authoritative voice saying: Hieromonk Arseny! I am waiting for you. I shuddered. It was a great miracle. I entered, and Vladyka Hilarion blessed me and invited me to sit down. I saw Vladyka for the first time, although I had heard a lot about him, they said that he was close to Patriarch Tikhon. I had almost no contact with the bishops, how could he know about me, the third priest of a small Moscow church located far from the Garden Ring, in the merchant district?

Tell us about your doubts. How could Vladyka Hilarion know about my tormenting reflections and doubts? Shy, he began to tell. Vladyka interrupted me, saying: I have time, throw away your shyness and speak as if you were going to confession.

Throwing away his shyness, not even afraid to say something not quite correct from the point of view of the established rules, he began his confused story, full of doubts and a search for the path of his priesthood. I spoke about my desire to organize a community, about how I wanted to conduct spiritual work in it and instruct spiritual children. He spoke about many things, Vladyka listened attentively, did not interrupt. I cited the Lord's commandments, said that I wanted to instill in the souls of parishioners faith in God, love for one's neighbor, so that this would give a person the opportunity to follow the path of faith and love and find the right path among the surrounding sin, evil and violence in our cruel time of persecution of Orthodoxy.

Serving in church, communicating with parishioners, confessing them, among their diverse mass, I saw people who could accept the great and correct path of the Optina service, but there were also other believers, with peculiarities of their lives, psyche, character and environment, who were not able to accept it. What to do? I must teach everyone to believe in God, to teach them to love the people around them and, having put into their souls, hearts, and minds resistance to evil, violence, godlessness, and atheism, to force people to cast aside all the bad by their faith in God and love, to be able to orient themselves in the confusion of life and evil. Those spiritual children in whom there was a special spirit of faith should be led along the path of the Optina Elders.

The path taken by the rector of the church, Fr. Paul, was traditional for the city clergy and, in my opinion, did not give inner spiritual fortitude.

Everything that he thought and dreamed about, he boldly expressed before Vladyka Hilarion, he was embarrassed and even frightened. Who am I to expound before Vladyka my thoughts on the ways of guiding spiritual children?

After listening to me attentively, Vladyka Hilarion began to speak to me as if he had known my whole life, mentioned my mother, my passion for art, life in Optina, and spoke very warmly about Fr. Paul. He stood up, turned to the icons and said: Let us pray. I read the prayers, sat down, and I remained standing.