Where and what did the enemy not embarrass me? In school [361] — by distrust of one's own word, in social life — I was and still is embarrassing by the same distrust of the word, and an ordinary, easy thing for others — free, correct, measured speech — is a difficult thing for me because of my distrust of myself. I seem to myself to be a layman in the subjects about which my interlocutors speak, ignorant of nothing, although if I were to speak according to the laws of rational thinking and from the sufficient information that I have acquired about all subjects, I would find something to say judiciously and to the point. But, not trusting myself, I blush for myself, and my enemy, who rejoices in my evil (cf. Psalm 34:26) and looks for weaknesses in me in order to attack them and torment me, torments me with humiliation and despondency. However, I often do not succumb to His wiles by the grace of my Lord, but, calling in my thoughts to the Saviour to come to the aid of my weakness, I calm down by Him, take upon myself a calm importance, not vainly caring about what others will say about me, and leaving the majority in the secular word to those who are skilled in it, while reserving for myself the best dominion — in the spiritual word, in which, I bear witness by my Lord and by His power in me, I am not petty and can speak with power.

The enemy troubled me during the Divine services and in general during all the spiritual needs of the priest, and like a muddy, dirty, strong, abundant stream sometimes flooded my soul, which saw neither itself nor the light of God from him, remaining all vague, as if struck to death. But sincere repentance and deep sighs to God and tears for my lack of attention to the work of God and my impatience attracted God's mercy to me: and my soul was cleansed, clarified, calmed down, and encouraged after the heavy flood of Satan. In order to deliver me from this terrible temptation, I myself composed a prayer to my Lord, that He grant me grace to those who are cheerful, with a heart and sober mind [362] with a contrite and humble heart (Psalm 50:19), with faith and love to offer Him supplications, glory, thanksgiving and worship [363]; I prayed it every day and do not cease to pray: and He heeded my prayer, and delivered me from the violence of the enemy — and for a long time now I have cheerfully spoken prayers, supplications, petitions, and thanksgiving (1 Tim. 2:1) to the Triune God, the God of my salvation (Psalm 50:16), to the God of my heart (Psalm 72:26); I do not abandon my prayer, lest I be subjected to the same temptation again.

Where the enemy did not embarrass me! If I wanted to do the most ordinary thing for other people, which they did freely, calmly, there he struck me with embarrassment. "If it was necessary to take a photographic portrait of me, I sat down and was embarrassed in spirit: the enemy waves rushed to my heart as if out of spite, and distorted my facial features. The enemy pursued me viciously everywhere.

July 2 7 after the Cathedral Liturgy. Oh, what is my blessedness from the communion of the most pure and life-giving Mysteries of my Lord! How good I am! Glory to Thee, O Lord! And before the Liturgy, the enemy stumbled on me and wounded my heart with pity for my brother's perishable food and anger against him. For a long time I groaned in my heart and prayed to the Lord and His Most-Pure Mother, and finally the Lord had mercy on me. I have firmly imagined, and have acknowledged in my heart, that all things are nothing before my Lord, who is the only Who is (Exodus 3:14), and all food and drink, all the riches of the world and its pleasures, are nothing; the whole earth and its fulfillment (cf. Psalm 23:1) — as nothing, and that in Him alone, from non-existence into being, Who brought all things [364] all things must be completely hoped for and expected from Him: for He is always able to do all things to me. That to preserve the unity of the Spirit in union, peace (Ephesians 4:3) with the brethren is my life and that of all people, that this unity of the Spirit should not be separated by anything but the obvious sins of a brother, for in this case it is necessary to divide and not to fall into opposition to the Lord, so as not to be in the unity of mind of deceit. "The Lord Himself says that He came to separate in this way even father for daughter and son for mother... and that a man's enemies are his household (cf. Matt. 10:35, 36). The Lord allows the devil to tempt us in order to stir up the sleeping powers of the soul, our zeal for God and zeal for piety, therefore for those who are experienced in the spiritual life, for those who are strengthened in faith and hope in the Lord, the temptations of the enemy serve as a blessing.

Glory and thanksgiving to my quick Intercessor, the Lady Most Holy Theotokos: Most Merciful, She delivered me from the straits of the enemy through my prayer before Her all-honorable Kazan Icon. My heart was heavy: I felt a kind of separation of my heart from my household spirit, a kind of tightness and heaviness. All this, as I know, was the work of the enemy who had occupied my heart. But I prayed to our Lady, as if she were alive and standing before me, I read: Undefiled, unblemished [365] then: To the zealous intercessor [366] and To the Mother of God diligently [367] and immediately it became light, light in the heart, and the unity of love settled in the heart, sympathy for the household, and I became a man, as they say. And often there is with me some kind of incomprehensible murderous apathy towards others, towards everything, even towards myself: all this is the work of a murderer (cf. John 8:44), who relentlessly seeks my sorrow and perdition, who captivates me in all possible ways into his dark power, but especially with his foolish self-love and apathy towards others; He strives to form in my heart a constant dislike of my neighbors: I see this clearly; but he, the all-malicious misanthrope, will not succeed in doing this: I hope in the all-powerful goodness and grace of my Lord, Who will not allow the enemy to instill in my heart dislike for my neighbor; I pray to Him for this and will continue to pray for it. The evildoer stirs up and shakes the hearts of my household with malice against me: I see this; I do not fail to understand his thoughts, but he will not be able to divide the hearts of my neighbors: He who is in us is more than he is in the world (cf. 1 John 4:4) who works and deceives all. The Lord and His Most-Pure Mother, the holy guardian angels and the holy saints of God will intercede for us. — Moralizing. Whenever you are in a bad mood, when apathy takes possession of you towards people and towards every deed, know firmly that there is an enemy in you and do not stagnate in this pernicious state, but now pray to the Lord that He deliver you from the enemy through the prayers of His Most-Pure Mother, and beseech Her Herself, the Mother of love and peace. Beware of everything possible, lest you be upset by the look, word, or deed of your neighbor, and not for a moment harbor a hostile disposition towards him; Do not harbor dislike or love for your neighbor for anything, neither because of money, nor because of food and clothing, nor because of housing, nor because of anything material, knowing that the soul of a brother is infinitely higher than all material things, that only the enemy has humiliated and destroyed us through the food of the tree, and now seeks in every way to destroy us by luring all the five senses and enjoying them in every possible way; that only the bodiless enemy has trampled on us and is ready to destroy us for eternity by our addiction to food and drink. July 27, 1861.

Do not give yourself over to despondency and gloomy disposition, knowing that it too is from the enemy: rejoice, I will say with the Apostle: And pour out the river, rejoice (Phil. 4:4). We, Christians, have something to rejoice about constantly, for we are children of the all-good and almighty God; we are promised an eternally blessed Kingdom: He who promised is faithful (Heb. 10:23); The mediator is reliable, the earnest of the Spirit in our hearts (cf. 2 Corinthians 1:22) is also faithful – and why should we lose heart? "Only demons tend to be discouraged: undoubted eternal torment awaits them, into which they want and try in every way to involve us, but they will not succeed, for our Lord is with us.

Whoever has dislike, enmity against his brother, is in captivity to the devil.

Having eaten heartily at home and soon being invited somewhere to eat again, do not dare to do this, and do not be deceived by food and drink, no matter how good they may be: this is a great sin before God; for this is also a corruption of nature: everything that is used by human nature in excess of necessity and measure is a warring sin and removes man from the fulfillment of the laws of the Almighty, for having transgressed the commandment of the Lord in small things, it is easy to transgress it in greater things (cf. Luke 16:10); especially untimely and immoderate consumption of food leads to this, for this reason the Saviour said to us: take heed to yourselves, lest your hearts be burdened with gluttony and drunkenness and the sorrows of life, and that day will come upon you without dawn... (Luke 21:34.) Why does Vladyka visit the church without dawning? As a punishment for the frequent surrender to the pleasures of the womb, for the untimely and immoderate, and for the usual binding of oneself to the sorrows of life, to which the Lord did not foresee an end.

My Spirit shall not dwell in these men for ever, for they are not flesh (Gen. 6:3). The more a clergyman is, so to speak, according to his calling, the more he provokes the Holy Spirit to anger with his carnal way of life, and the more will he be required of him at the Judgment, for he should have shown others an example of how to be filled with the Spirit (cf. Eph. 5:18), and to lead a spiritual life, to be the light and salt of the earth (cf. Matt. 5:14, 13) — and he did not want to, and did not care to be spiritual. Thus, a priest who gives himself over to carnal pleasures is more guilty than a layman and will punish himself incomparably more severely than he. For gluttony and drunkenness, for love of money, covetousness and avarice, the priest will be punished all the more severely, the more he ought to be, by his very calling, abstinent, uncovetous and generous, placing his hope in God's Providence. For the love of money and avarice, the more severely he will be punished, the more his fortune was, the more the Lord showed him the experiences of His non-abandonment and generosity in the previous and current life; for the love of money and avarice, for gluttony and drunkenness, a clergyman will be punished without mercy, while a worldly person, subject to the same sins, will be punished more leniently: for the small, says the Lord, is worthy of mercy, but the strong will be tormented more strongly (Wis. 6:6).

If anyone speaks, especially if he prays for the fulfillment of any virtue or the entire Law of God, and does not care or try to fulfill this virtue or the Law of God, then he will be punished more severely than others, as a person who taught and did not do it himself: "A little teacher is not," it is said, "Be teachable, for we shall receive superfluous condemnation" (cf. James. 3, 1); who prayed and only idled and lied before the Lord in prayer: "From thy mouth, O wicked servant, I await thee" (cf. Luke 19:22), the Lord will say to him at the Judgment. "And so, it is necessary to speak, and even more so to do, to pray for the fulfillment of the commandments and to try to fulfill them by deed.

At the morning prayers we praise the Lord and say: Holy, Holy, Holy, God. [368] We glorify the holiness of God, among other things, to remind us that we also must be holy, for it is said: "Be ye holy, for I am the Lord your God" (Lev. 11:44).

Here I have a new, beautifully decorated apartment; here I have new good furniture: but what can I do in all this without my Christ, without His good will towards me; What do I have in this, if there is no Christian hope in my heart, if I am not filled with faith and love? Only the heaviness and distress of the heart, confusion and contrition of the spirit, as Solomon also experienced (cf. Ecclesiastes 1:14).

Therefore, my brethren, do not be captivated by anything perishable: all this is a phantom and smoke. Let your occupation be most of all in spiritual, heavenly, eternal things, which calm and elevate your soul, and lead you from corruption to incorruption (cf. 1 Corinthians 15:42), and above all, constantly remember the Lord Jesus Christ with faith and love.

The whole material world is nothing before God (Psalm 38:6); some spiritual beings as something like angels and men; only those creatures have a lasting existence, who are close to God, have His image and likeness; but the rest of the creatures pass away like a shadow — heaven and earth themselves shall pass away, but My words shall not pass away (Mark 13:31).