Thank you so much for the parcel! The powder[59] will be enough for me not only for the whole winter, but, God willing, for 2 years, so don't worry about sending any more, and the main thing is to search, you don't need to look for anything! If you come across a surrogate coffee drink, then put Lenin's medicines in the parcel, if not, no, and do not rush! I am so ashamed that I am making it so difficult for you!! And here is another assignment to Al. Vl. [60], when you have it, of course. An acquaintance of mine visited me today and said that he had obtained Teilhard's Le phenomene humain in translation (Progress ed.) with one missing chapter. We are going to, firstly, 1) check the translation (we have the original); 2) translate the missing chapter together. But, of course, it is not worth doing this, if he has the opportunity for someone to already take up this matter. So you ask him, and give me an answer, this, of course, is not in a hurry! I think that he has someone who knows the language better than I and my acquaintance (but in the sense of theology, this acquaintance is quite erudite (he is a defroque), about whom I once told Al. Vl. Yes, he must have heard about him anyway), but Teilhard has a very special language and terminology. I will be very grateful if you ask him all this. To be precise, take this letter with you when you go.

That's all for now. Thank you very much again! I am really looking forward to responses to my parcel! I sent a second one to Lyudmila Fyodorovna, so that everything that goes through Svetlana would be done by her, and not by you, and you have so much trouble with me!

Keep in touch! I am always very glad to receive your letters! I kiss you

Y. R.  -------------- 

Ate. Yak. I'll write one of these days! When you talk to her on the phone, "kiss" and promise my letter "one of these days".

Also tell him that if he wants to give me something or at least give it to me for a while (I will always find an opportunity to return it to him), then let him send Volodya to Svetlana and leave it with her, and when she has a chance, she will send it to me. I would very much like, at least for a while, to "Vestniki Ts. B." [64] — to give to someone (un juif[65])) ----------- 

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2/I 77

I haven't written for a long time, so as not to bother you (a lot was written before), and during this time I have received 2 beautiful letters from you – about the joy of Presence and Grace and a detailed answer to my questions, for which I am infinitely grateful to you! When I think about everything (we have now agreed on a lot), I am tormented by two more things: one is that nowhere in my memories of my father is there a miracle of our first "conference" (as they were then called) in Psherov. Somewhere Sizel describes another, already in France, and writes "la grace de Dieu était tangible" (I have not been to this one), and these words are most applicable to Psherovskaya, but it is very difficult for me to describe her. I only remember that at that time we also compared our experiences with the "Transfiguration", and were so shocked by everything that happened that we fell asleep, and compared ourselves to the apostles on the icon of the Transfiguration. We were very, very young then. This was the first "conference". Fr. Vasily, then still "Vasily Vasilyevich," I remember, said: "If none of you describes this, it means that "you are not fodder for the horse." But no one has described it. And it is difficult to determine what exactly to describe? There was a liturgy, of course, the main thing; There was an atmosphere. No separate facts! It was back in the Czech Republic, before moving to France, my father was in a white cassock, and I can't remember what happened. I'll talk to my sister again. And there is no one else with ... m. Bl. Died. I'll write to someone else. And the second thing that torments me, and will torment me to death, I can only tell you personally, God willing, we will see each other again. I said this to Fr. Andrei at one time, but he somehow did not understand me.  -------------- 

About reading the Manual – which I am now reading and re-reading and trying to apply ("I leave the Appendix without application for now, m. b. (?) is it not for me?)

Most of all it hurts me – "spiritual reflections", I think that for me, deprived of church services, which used to "nourish" me very much when I had ears, this is especially important. A question for me (I try to deal with them a little as much as I can): it is said that "spiritual reflection helps deep prayer." And then, nothing is said about the latter. Where does it belong? Or is it simply that the first chapter (the prayer) gradually becomes a profound prayer? Or should we allocate a special place for it in the middle of the day? I catch myself that in part the first (= prayer) is often done more and more "meditatively" little by little. In general, I am ashamed that with my capabilities (constant loneliness and silence) I have a certain "disorder", although at the same time too much order repels me, and I am afraid – to do everything according to the rules, so in gestures – there is an involuntary, almost childish, gesture of hands, which even you do, and I love it very much – it is natural, and "fortunately" there is not a word about it in the manual (when they fold their hands in front of them, almost under the chin). I don't want too much "science" about prayer, but I'm also very dissatisfied with my disorder. And I keep fussing and postponing prayer.. And how far I am from having the Lord and I, and not me and the Lord, as you told me in our first conversation.

I do not fast about fasting, and I do not feel any sin in it, although perhaps by this I distance myself from grace. But this is partly why it works: my neighbors often treat me. One of them is a party member, although it does not suit her at all, a modest, quiet woman, but a lawyer, and she does it from a kind heart and because she "gives moral pleasure to please others." I cannot refuse this, because for her, obviously, this is some kind of unconscious contact with the central n[68], although consciously she resists Him. And here you even have to eat meat! The other is partly also (she is consciously morally freer and closer to the kingdom of heaven, and with her I often have discussions – with the first a little, often not necessary, and difficult – there is stiffness), partly gratitude for some trifles of my services. I do not want and cannot change this. So far.  -------------- 

About the Jesus Prayer – I read not "me", but "us", and I always want to "about someone", and not just by myself. Incorrectly?

A very interesting person began to visit my wilderness from time to time, perhaps you have heard his tragic story. In some ways it is very narrow, in some places it is very wide. He's a "defroque" – you know that term?