Testimonies of Another Existence

In the pre-Easter program of 1998 on the Moskovia TV channel, a story was shown about the resurrection of Valentina Romanova, who died in a car accident. The same story was told on the radio station "Radonezh" on May 1, 1998 (live), nun Marina (Smirnova) and Archimandrite Ambrose (Yurasov). In 1982, Valentina Romanova was involved in a car accident; At that time she was an unbeliever, not a churchman. As a result of the catastrophe, her soul left her body, and she saw everything that subsequently happened to her. How they took her to intensive care, how doctors unsuccessfully tried to bring her back to life, and then pronounced her dead. At first, Valentina did not understand that she was dead, because her feelings and consciousness remained in her: she saw everything, heard everything, understood everything and tried to tell the doctors that she was alive. But the doctors did not hear her voice. Then she tried to push them under the arm, but nothing worked. Valentina saw paper and pen lying on the table and wanted to write a note to the doctors, but this also failed. Such a state seemed very strange to her, and at that moment she was pulled into a kind of vortex, and she went into "another dimension". At first, Valentina was alone, but soon she saw a tall man to her left. She was very happy that someone was in such an unfamiliar place for her, and asked: "Man, tell me, where am I?" But when he turned to her and she saw his eyes, she realized that nothing good could be expected from this man. In fear, she ran away from him, but after a while she realized that everything was not so terrible, because she saw the light-bearing Youth, who took her under protection. Together with him, they ran to a glass barrier, hiding behind which, they got rid of the pursuit of the first, terrible man. And then she saw a very deep cliff in front of her, under which there were many men and women, of different ages and different nationalities. An unbearable stench rose from below, and the people themselves were constantly defecating and sitting on their feces. She asked in her mind, "What is this?" And a voice explained to her that these were the people who had committed the sins of sodomy. Elsewhere, Valentina saw many children and two women sitting with their backs turned to her. She thought, "What kind of children are they?" And again a voice explained that they were unborn children, killed in the womb, and that her children were also here. Then the thought occurred to Valentina: "So I will have to answer for my sin." Then she was shown other places of torment, where the word was written: VICES. She did not know what this meant, but when she was shown in turn what torments corresponded to each vice, Valentina began to understand what sin and the retribution for it were. In the next place, she saw fiery lava, and in this lava there were many heads that plunged into the fiery river and then emerged from it. And the same voice explained again that these were people who had previously been engaged in magic, witchcraft, bewitchment, and extrasensory perception. Valentina thought: "I wish I didn't end up in this river." Although she did not have witchcraft sins, she understood that in any of these places she could be left forever. Then she saw a staircase leading to Heaven. A multitude of people climbed this staircase; she began to rise too. One woman was climbing in front of her, who began to grow exhausted and slide down on top of her. Valentina realized that if she moved a little to the side, the woman would fall down. Compassion for the falling woman and a desire to help her awoke in her heart. And as soon as this desire appeared in her, her chest began to increase in size, so that the woman was able to lean and rest and then continue the ascent. Valentina began to rise after her. And suddenly she found herself in a place where everything was flooded with light; fragrance and grace emanated from everywhere. And when she gained new knowledge, when she understood what grace is, her soul was returned to the body in the hospital. Right in front of her, lying on the couch, a man was kneeling. Seeing that Valentina was alive, he immediately said: "Don't die again, I'll recoup all the losses for your damaged car, just don't die again." As it turned out later, Valentina was dead for 3.5 hours. It would seem that the period is not long, but nevertheless huge for knowing the fate of the soul in the other world. Subsequently, Valentina met with Archpriest Andrei Ustyuzhanin and talked with him, which was also shown on the Moskovia TV channel. Once upon a time, Father Andrei's mother, Claudia, was also dead - for three days and in the same way after her resurrection she told about what she saw in the afterlife. This case was on the lists in Soviet times, and now it has become well-known. (Radio station "Radonezh"; live broadcast. May 1, 1998; Vorobyovsky Y. "Omega Point". Moscow, 1999)

The story of Sister Euphrosyne

This document is taken from the diary of Father Mitrophan Serebryansky, the spiritual father of the Moscow Martha and Mary Convent, and is preceded by an inscription in the corner of the first page: "I testify with my priestly conscience that everything I wrote down from the words of Sister Euphrosyne is true." These words are reminiscent of the prayer of a priest during the rite of confession before the Cross and the Gospel: "I am a witness." In this case, the priest Fr. Mitrophan testifies before God not only to the authenticity of Sister Euphrosyne's story, but to its truth in the spirit and meaning of Christ's love and truth, which is revealed by the Cross and the Gospel. The Monk Onuphrius the Great, whom Euphrosyne saw, is a famous ascetic of the fourth century (his memory is celebrated on June 12 O.S./June 25 O.S., on the day with the right-believing Princess Anna of Kashin). For sixty years he performed the feat of prayer in complete solitude in the Thebaid wilderness. "A man of God," says the Monk Paphnutios about him, "met me there, covered from head to foot with white hair and girded with leaves at the hips." What can be the connection between the Thebaid Egyptian desert of the fourth century and the provincial town of the Kharkov province in 1912? How can they cross paths in a quiet monastery on Bolshaya Ordynka in Moscow, where the sister of the last Russian Empress asceticized? Nothing seems to portend a terrible revolutionary storm, but in the Lord's writings, Grand Duchess Elizabeth and her spiritual father, Fr. Mitrophan, have already been marked by the radiance of suffering for Christ. Truly, a thousand years coming with the Lord are like yesterday, and His saints participate in God's counsel, preceding them to help those who seek salvation. Where there is eternal life, man succeeds, like the risen Christ, in entering through closed doors; Time and space do not exist. In the vision of Sister Euphrosyne, Grand Duchess Elizabeth and Father Mitrophan stand next to St. Sergius of Radonezh. Their spiritual kinship is intimate and at the same time obvious. It was no accident that Father Mitrophan received the name Sergius in tonsure, and the Grand Duchess was martyred on July 18, the day of St. Sergius. Thus, from the diary of Fr. Mitrofan Serebryansky, the spiritual father of the Martha and Mary Convent of Mercy: "I testify with my priestly conscience that everything I wrote down from the words of Sister Euphrosyne is true" (Archpriest Mitrofan Serebryansky). "In 1912, on June 25, at five o'clock in the evening, I was very sleepy. The bell rang for the vigil, and I, unable to resist, lay down and fell asleep. I woke up on June 26 at five o'clock in the evening. My relatives thought that I was dead, but the suddenness of death forced them to call a doctor, who said that I was alive, but slept lethargically. During this dream, my soul saw many terrible and good things, which I will tell you in order. I see that I am completely alone. Fear came over me. The sky is darkening. Suddenly, something flashed in the distance. It turned out that the light was coming from an old man approaching me with long hair and a long beard almost to the ground, in a long shirt belted. His face was so radiant that I could not look at him and fell on my face. He raised me up and asked: "Where are you going, servant of God?" I answered: "I don't know." Then the elder said to me: "Get on your knees," and began to remind me of all my sins, which I had not confessed through forgetfulness. I was terrified and thought: "Who is this, that he knows my thoughts?" And he said: "I am St. Onuphry, and do not be afraid of me." And he crossed me with a large cross. "Everything is forgiven you. And now come with me, I will lead you through all the toll-houses." He took me by the hand and said: "Do not be afraid of anything you meet, only cross yourself constantly and say: save me, Lord. And think of the Lord, everything will pass." Let's go. The Monk Onuphry said: "Look at heaven." I look and see that the sky seems to have turned upside down and begun to darken. I was frightened, and St. Onuphry said: "Do not think evil, be baptized." It became completely dark, the darkness was dispelled only by the light emanating from the Monk Onuphry. Suddenly, a multitude of demons crossed our path, forming a chain. Their eyes are like fire; they scream, they make noise, they intend to seize me. But as soon as the Monk Onuphry raised his hand and made the sign of the cross, the demons instantly fled, showing the pages inscribed with my sins. The monk said to them: "She repented of all her sins at the beginning of the journey". And the demons immediately tore the sheets, groaning and crying: "Our deep! It will not pass!" Fire and smoke emanated from the demons, which made a terrible impression in the surrounding darkness. I cried all the time and was baptized. I did not feel the heat from the fire. Suddenly, a fiery mountain appeared in front of us, from which fiery sparks flew in all directions. I saw a lot of people here. To my question: what are they suffering for? - the Monk Onuphrius answered: "For his iniquities. They did not repent at all and died without repentance, without acknowledging the commandments; now suffer until the Judgment." Let's move on. I saw two deep ravines in front of us. So deep that they can be called an abyss. I looked into the ravine and saw a lot of crawling snakes, animals and demons. The monk says: "We have crossed the fire. How can we cross this abyss?" At this time a great bird descended, spreading its wings, and the monk said: "Sit on the wings, and I will sit down. Do not be of little faith, do not look down, but be baptized." We sat down and flew. We flew for a long time, the elder held my hand. At last we sat down and stood on our feet among the snakes, cold and soft, which fled from us. From the multitude of snakes, whole snake mountains were made. Under one such mountain, I saw a woman sitting. Her head was covered with lizards, sparks fell from her eyes, worms fell from her mouth, snakes sucked at her breast, and dogs held her hands in their mouths. I asked the Monk Onuphry: "What kind of woman is this?" He said, "This is a harlot. She has committed many sins in her life and has never repented: now she suffers until the Judgment. Lizards on the head are for decorating hair, eyebrows and in general for decorating the face. Sparks from her eyes - for the fact that she looked at various impurities. Worms - for saying unseemly words. Snakes are fornication. Dogs - for a bad sense of touch." Let's move on. The Monk Onuphry says: "Now we will come to a very terrible thing, but do not be afraid, be baptized." Indeed, they reached a place from which smoke and fire were coming. There I saw a huge man, as it were, glowing with fire. Next to it lies a large, fiery ball, and there are many spokes in it. And when this person turns the ball, fiery needles come out of the spokes, and demons come out between the spokes, so that it is impossible to pass through them. I asked: "Who is this?" The Monk Onuphrius answered: "This is the son of the devil, the instigator and seducer of Christians. Whoever obeys him and does not keep the commandments of Christ goes into eternal punishment. And you make the sign of the cross, do not be afraid." We walked through these wires freely, but from all sides there was noise and shouting, coming from a multitude of demons standing in chains. There were many people with them. The Monk Onuphry explained to me that people are together with demons because they served them during their lifetime and did not repent; here they await the Last Judgment. Then we came to a huge fiery river, in which there are many people, and from there screams and groans are rushing. I was embarrassed at the sight of the river, but the elder knelt down and ordered me to stand and look at the sky. I did so and saw the Archangel Michael, who handed us a perch. The Monk Onuphry took it by the end, and it threw itself over the river, three arshins from the fire. Although I was very afraid, I was baptized and with the help of the Monk I crossed to the other side, finding myself in front of the wall. We walked through the narrow door with difficulty and came out onto huge snowy ice mountains, on which there were many people, and they were all trembling. I was especially struck by one, who sat up to his neck in the snow and shouted: "Save, save!" I wanted to help him, but the Monk Onuphrius said: "Leave him, he did not let his father into his house in the winter, and he froze; let him give his own answer for himself. In general, there are people here because they treated God and people with a cold heart." After that we came to a beautiful wide river, where the venerable elder put me on a board and walked on the water himself. On the other side there was a beautiful field covered with greenery, grass and forest. As we passed through it, we saw a multitude of beasts, which caressed the Monk Onuphry. They passed through the field and came to a beautiful high mountain, which had three ladders, as if made of gelatin, and twelve streams of the purest water ran down the mountain. We stopped near the mountain. The Monk Onuphry says: "You have seen all the terrible things for which people suffer. Live according to the commandments of the Lord. You have passed all this for two good deeds." But he did not say for which. "Now I will dress you in other clothes, and you must climb, but not on this ladder." The Monk Onuphry poured water all over me with water from the stream, washed me, and, my blue dress, I do not know where it went. The elder put a white shirt on me, made a belt of grass and girded me. He made a hat out of the leaves and told them to climb the mountain. It was very difficult for me, but the Elder held out his hands, and gradually I reached half of the mountain, but I was so exhausted that the Elder allowed me to continue my journey up the stairs, and led me by the hand and crossed me three times. Then the elder led me into the church, put me in the middle and said: "Be your whole soul in God, here is the heavenly abode." My God, what a beauty! - I saw there many wonderful abodes of indescribable beauty; trees, flowers, fragrance, extraordinary light. The elder led me to a monastery and said: "This is the monastery of the holy women Martha and Mary." The monastery is not made of stones, but is all covered with greenery and flowers. The windows glow through. Near the doors, on both sides, standing Martha and Mary with burning candles in their hands. The Reverend and I stood under a tree. I saw: the Angels were carrying six paralytic people to this monastery, and many people went there after them: the sick, the blind, the lame, in torn clothes, and many children. I asked: "Is this monastery really so large that it can accommodate so many people?" The Elder answers: "It can contain the whole world of Christians. So you are small, and the whole world is in you. Love everyone purely, and forget yourself, and hate the body, which serves all the passions. Try to kill the body, and adorn the soul with good deeds. Look, they are carrying a paralyzed man." "A brother in Christ," replied the monk, "is being carried by the much-suffering pastor Mitrophan and the much-suffering Grand Duchess Elizabeth." I saw Grand Duchess Elizabeth Feodorovna in a white uniform, a veil on her head, a white cross on her chest. Father Mitrophan was also in white clothes, with the same white cross on his chest. Until that time, I was completely unaware of the existence of the Martha and Mary Convent of Mercy. Elizaveta Feodorovna and Father Mitrophan did not know and did not see. When they approached Saints Martha and Maria, both Elizabeth Feodorovna and Father Mitrophan bowed down to them, and then Saints Martha and Maria also entered the monastery, followed by us. The monastery was beautiful inside. Father Mitrophan and Elizabeth Feodorovna left the monastery again, this time alone, and also with burning candles. They came up to us and bowed down to the Monk Onuphrius, who turned to them and said to them: "I entrust to you this pilgrim and stranger, and I bless you under your protection." At the same time, the elder ordered me to make a prostration to Father Mitrophan and Elizabeth Feodorovna. Both of them blessed me with a large cross. I said, "I'll stay with them." But the elder answered: "You will go again, and then you will come to them." We went. Everywhere I look, everywhere they praise the Lord. I cannot describe the beauty of paradise. Some other light: gardens, birds, fragrance; You can't see the ground, everything is covered with flowers like velvet. Everywhere you look, there are Angels: there are a great many of them. I looked: Christ the Savior Himself was standing, sores were visible on his hands and feet; the face and clothes shine, so that it is impossible to look. I fell on my face. Next to the Lord stood the Most Holy Theotokos with outstretched arms. The Cherubim and Seraphim sang unceasingly: "Rejoice, Queen!" There were also a multitude of martyrs. Some were dressed in episcopal vestments, others in priestly vestments, and still others in deacon's vestments. Others are in beautiful clothes of many colors; all have crowns on their heads. The Monk Onuphrius says: "These are the saints who suffered for Christ, who endured everything humbly, with patience, and walked in His footsteps. There is no sorrow and suffering, but always joy." I saw many acquaintances there who died. I saw some there, now still alive. Saint Onuphrius said sternly: "Do not tell those who are still alive where you have seen them. When the body dies, then their souls will ascend here by the Lord, although they are sinners, but by good works and repentance their souls always remain in heaven." Saint Onuphrius sat me down and said: "Here is your hope." A multitude of saints began to pass by in various garments: both wonderful and poor; some with a cross in their hands. The Monk Onuphry takes me by the hand and leads me around paradise. Everywhere there is such a glorification of God and an unceasing song: "Holy, Holy, Holy..." Streams of silvery water flow. The Monk Onuphrius exclaimed: "Let every breath praise the Lord!" The Monk Onuphrius and I entered a certain wondrous place, where the Angels incessantly sing: Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord of hosts... Glory to God in the highest... and: Alleluia. A wondrous sight opened up before us: in the distance, in an unapproachable light, sat our Lord Jesus Christ. On one side of Him stood the Mother of God, and on the other - St. John the Baptist. Hosts of Archangels, Angels, Cherubim, and Seraphim surrounded the Altar; A multitude of saints of indescribable beauty stood near the altar. Their bodies are easily movable, transparent; The clothes are shiny, of different colors. There is a dazzling glow around everyone's head. On the heads of some have crowns of some special metal, preferably gold and diamonds, and on others - crowns of heavenly flowers. Some held flowers or palm branches in their hands. Pointing to one of them, standing in the right row, the Monk Onuphrius said: "This is Saint Elizabeth, to whom I have entrusted you." I really saw the one to whom St. Onuphry had already led me, in the vision of human affairs. There she was among the crippled, the poor, the sick - in general, among the suffering whom she served on earth. And here I saw her, but already in holiness, in the face of saints. "Yes, I see her," I replied to the Monk Onuphry, "but I am unworthy of living with her. After all, she is bright, and I am very sinful." The Monk Onuphrius said: "She now still lives on earth, imitating the life of the holy women Martha and Mary, keeping her soul and body in purity, doing good deeds; Her prayers and the cross of sorrows, which she bears without complaint, lift her soul up to heaven. She also had sins, but through repentance, the correction of her life, she goes to heaven." From tenderness I threw myself to the ground. Under his feet was something like a crystal greenish sky. I see: all the saints come up to Christ in pairs and worship Him. Elizabeth Feodorovna and Father Mitrophan also went and returned to their places again. Princess Elizabeth was dressed in shining clothes, around her head there was a radiance and an inscription of radiant letters: "Holy long-suffering Princess Elizabeth". Her arms are folded on her chest; in one hand is a golden Crucifix. The beautiful face of the saint shines with unearthly joy and bliss; her wondrous eyes are lifted up, in them are the holy prayers of a pure soul that has seen God face to face. Next to St. Elizabeth on the left side stood St. Sergius of Radonezh, and on the right hand was Father Mitrophan, in episcopal vestments. The Monk Onuphrius said: "Do not think that you were worthy to see all this and will now remain here. No, your dead body is waiting for you, it's only your soul with me. When your soul enters your body and you return again to the sinful, long-suffering earth, which is all drenched in blood, then I will bless you to the monastery where Princess Elizabeth and Father Mitrophan met you." I asked: "Is there such a beautiful monastery on earth?" The saint answered: "Yes, there is, it flourishes and ascends to heaven, through good deeds and prayers. Look, you have seen all the good and the bad; and know that without the Cross and sufferings you will not enter here, and the repentance of all sinners brings you here. Look: here is your body." "Indeed, I saw my body, and I was frightened. St. Onuphry crossed me, and I woke up. For an hour and a half, I could not speak, and when I spoke, I began to stutter. In addition, my legs were paralyzed to the knees, and I could not walk, I was being carried. The doctors could not cure me. Finally, on September 25, 1912, I was brought to the convent in the town of Bogodukhovo, Kharkov province, where the miraculous Kaplunov Icon of the Mother of God was located. On September 26, I communed of Christ's Holy Mysteries, served a moleben before this icon, and when I was brought to it and venerated it, I was instantly healed. Then I remembered what St. Onuphry said to me when I was near the Mother of God: "Here is your hope." Right after the dream, I decided to withdraw from the world, and after being healed, I could not wait to go to the monastery. I was invited to enter the Bogodukhov Monastery, where I was healed. But I told the nuns that I would like to get away from my acquaintances. I asked about Saints Martha and Mary, but no one knew about the monastery named after them. Once I came to my Bogodukhov monastery, and the nuns said to me: "Euphrosyne, you want to get away from your acquaintances. A sister from the convent of Martha and Mary arrived; our novice Vasilissa also entered there." When I heard this, I was horrified and delighted. Soon I received an answer from Vasilissa that I could go to Moscow. On January 23, 1913, I went and entered the monastery. I cannot tell you what I experienced when I entered the church of the monastery and heard the singing of the troparion to the holy righteous women Martha and Mary." Recorded by Father Mitrophan on October 31, 1917. ("Ascetics of the Martha and Mary Convent of Mercy". Moscow, 2000)

Vision of Novice Olga

The vision of novice Olga was recorded in the Kiev Pokrovsky Monastery by the care of Abbess Sophia (Grineva) in April 1917. Young Olga was a novice of the Rzhyshchev Monastery. If I am not mistaken, this monastery was subordinated to Pokrovsky. On February 21, 1917, on the Tuesday of the Second Sunday of Great Lent, at 5 o'clock in the morning, Olga ran into the Psalter and, making three prostrations to the ground, said to the nun-reader, whom she had come to replace: "I beg your pardon, matushka, and bless: I have come to die." Either jokingly or seriously, the nun answered: "God bless, good hour. You would be happy if you died in these years." Olga was about 14 years old at that time. Olga lay down on the bed in the psalter and fell asleep, while the nun continued to read. At half past seven in the morning, my sister began to wake Olga, but she did not move and did not respond. Other sisters came and also tried to wake them up, but to no avail. Olga's breathing stopped and her face took on a dead look. Two hours passed in the anxiety of the sisters and in the trouble near the dead woman. Olga began to breathe and with closed eyes, in oblivion, said: "Lord, how I fell asleep!" Olga slept for three days without waking up. During her sleep, she said a lot of things that drew attention to her words and began to write them down. The following was recorded from her words. "A week before Tuesday of the 2nd week," said Olga, "I saw an angel in a dream, and he told me to go to the psalter on Tuesday in order to die there, but that I should not tell anyone about it beforehand. When I went to the psalter on Tuesday morning, I looked back and saw a monster in the form of a dog running on its hind legs after me. In fright, I rushed to run, and when I ran into the psalter, in the corner where the icons were, I saw the Holy Archangel Michael and death with a scythe to the side. I was frightened, crossed myself and lay down on the bed, thinking about dying. Death came to me, and I fainted. Then consciousness returned to me, and I saw an Angel: he came up to me, took me by the hand and led me along some dark and uneven place. We reached the ditch. The Angel walked forward along the narrow plank, and I stopped and saw the "enemy" (the demon) who was beckoning me to him, but I rushed to run from him to the Angel, who was already on the other side of the ditch and was calling me to him too. The plank thrown over the ditch was so narrow that I was afraid to cross it, but the Angel gave me his hand, and we walked along a narrow path. Suddenly the Angel disappeared from sight, and immediately a multitude of demons appeared. I began to call on the Mother of God for help; the demons instantly disappeared, and the Angel reappeared, and we continued on our way. When we reached a mountain, we again met demons with charters in their hands. The angel took them from the hands of the demons, handed them to me and ordered them to be torn apart. Demons appeared on our way more than once, and one of them, when I lagged behind my heavenly guide, tried to frighten me, but an angel appeared, and on the mountain I saw the Mother of God standing at full height and exclaimed: "Mother of God! It pleases you to save me: save me!" I fell to the ground, and when I rose, the Mother of God became invisible. It began to dawn. On the way we saw a church, and a garden under the mountain. In this garden, some trees were blooming, and others were already bearing fruit. Beautiful paths were laid out under the trees. In the garden I saw a house. I asked the Angel, "Whose house is this?" - "Nun Apollinaria lives here." It was our nun, who had recently died. Then I lost sight of the Angel again and found myself at the river of fire. I had to cross this river. The passage was very narrow, and it was possible to cross it only by stepping one foot over the other. With fear, I began to cross and before I had time to reach the middle of the river, I saw in it a terrible head with bulging huge eyes, an open mouth and a very long tongue sticking out. I had to step over the language of this horror, and I was so scared that I did not know what to do. And then, suddenly, on the other side of the river, I saw the Holy Great Martyr Barbara. I begged her for help, and she stretched out her hand to me and took me to the other side. And when I crossed the fiery river, then, looking back, I saw in it another horror - a huge serpent with its head held high and its mouth open. The Holy Great-Martyress explained to me that everyone had to cross this river, and that many fell into the jaws of one of these monsters. I continued to walk further with the Angel and soon saw a long staircase, which, it seemed, would have no end. Climbing it, we came to a dark place, where, behind a huge abyss, I saw a multitude of people who would accept the seal of the Antichrist - their fate in this terrible and stinking abyss... There I saw a very handsome man without a mustache and beard. He was dressed all in red. He looked like he was about 28 years old. He passed me very quickly, or rather ran. And when he approached me, he seemed extremely handsome, and when he passed and I looked at him, he seemed to me to be the devil. I asked the Angel, "Who is this?" "This," the angel answered me, "is the Antichrist, the one who will torment all Christians for the holy faith, for the holy Church, and for the name of God." In the same dark place, I saw the recently deceased nun of our monastery. She wore a cast-iron robe, with which she was all covered. The nun tried to free herself from under it and suffered greatly. I touched the robe with my hand: it was really made of cast iron. This nun begged me to ask the sisters to pray for her. In the same dark place I saw a huge cauldron. A fire was lit under the cauldron. A multitude of people was boiling in this cauldron; some of them were screaming. There were men and women. Demons jumped out of the cauldron and put wood under it. I saw other people standing in the ice there. They were wearing only shirts and shivering from the cold; Everyone was barefoot, both men and women. I also saw a huge building there, and there were a lot of people in it, too. Iron chains hung from the ceiling were pulled through their ears. Huge stones were tied to their hands and feet. The angel explained to me that these were all those who in the temples of God behaved seductively and indecently, talked themselves and listened to others; For this reason the chains are stretched into their ears. Stones are tied to the feet of those who walked from place to place in church: they did not stand themselves and did not allow others to stand quietly. Stones were tied to the hands of those who incorrectly and carelessly made the sign of the cross on themselves in the temple of God. From this dark and terrible place, Angel and I began to climb up and came to a large, shiny white house. When we entered this house, I saw an extraordinary light in it. In this light stood a large crystal table, and on it were placed some unseen fruits of paradise. At the table sat holy prophets, martyrs, and other saints. They were all in multicolored robes, shining with a wonderful light. Over all this assembly of the holy saints of God, in an indescribable light, sat the Saviour on a throne of wondrous beauty, and at His right hand sat our Tsar Nicholas Alexandrovich, surrounded by Angels. The Emperor was in full royal attire, in shining white purple and a crown, and held a scepter in his right hand. He was surrounded by Angels, and the Savior was surrounded by the higher Heavenly Powers. Because of the bright light, I could hardly look at the Savior, but I looked at the earthly king freely. The holy martyrs conversed among themselves and rejoiced that the last time had come and that their number would increase, since Christians would soon be tortured for Christ and for their rejection of the seal. I have heard the martyrs say that churches and monasteries will be destroyed, and before that those who live in them will be expelled from the monasteries. Not only monks and clergy will be tortured and oppressed, but also all Orthodox Christians who will not accept the seal and will stand for the name of Christ, for the faith and for the Church. I also heard them say that our Sovereign would no longer exist and that the time of all earthly things was drawing to a close. There I heard that under the Antichrist the Holy Lavra would ascend to heaven; all the saints will also go to heaven with their bodies, and all those who live on earth, the elect of God, will also be caught up to heaven. From this meal the Angel led me to another supper. The table stood like the first one, but a little smaller. In the great council sat at the table the holy patriarchs, metropolitans, archbishops, bishops, archimandrites, priests, monks and laymen in some special garb. All these saints were in a joyful mood. Looking at them, I myself was overjoyed. Soon Saint Theodosia appeared to me as a companion, and the Angel disappeared. With her we went on a further journey and climbed some beautiful hill. There was a garden with flowers and fruits, and in the garden there were many boys and girls in white robes. We bowed to each other, and they sang "It is truly meet." In the distance I saw a small mountain; the Mother of God stood on it. Looking at Her, I was indescribably happy. The Holy Martyress Theodosia then led me to other heavenly monasteries. The first thing we saw on the top of the mountain was a monastery of indescribable beauty, surrounded by a fence of shiny transparent white stones. The gates of this monastery emitted a special bright brilliance. At the sight of her, I felt some kind of special joy. The holy martyress opened the gates to me, and I saw a wondrous church made of the same stones as the fence, but even brighter. That church was of extraordinary size and beauty. On its right side was a beautiful garden. And here, in this garden, as in the one I had seen before, some trees were bearing fruit, while others were just blooming. The gates to the church were open. We entered it, and I was struck by its wondrous beauty and the countless Angels that filled it. The angels were in white shining robes. We crossed ourselves and bowed to the Angels, who at that time were singing "It is truly meet" and "To Thee, God, we praise." The straight road from this monastery led us to another, similar in all respects to the first, but somewhat less extensive, beautiful and bright. And this church was filled with Angels, who sang "It is truly meet." The Holy Martyress Theodosia explained to me that the first monastery was of the highest ranks of angels, and the second was of the lower ranks. The third monastery I saw was a church without a fence. The church in it was just as beautiful, but somewhat less bright. This was, according to my companion, the abode of hierarchs, patriarchs, metropolitans and bishops. Without entering the church, we went further and saw several more churches on the way. In one of them are monks in white robes and hoods; among them I saw Angels. In another church there were monks along with lay men. The monks wore white klobuks, and the laymen wore shining crowns. In the next monastery - the church - there were nuns in all white. The Holy Martyress Theodosia told me that they were schema-nuns. Schema-nuns in white mantles and klobuks, with them lay women in shining crowns. Among the nuns I recognized some of our nuns and novices, still alive, and among them - the deceased Mother Agnes. I asked the holy martyress why some of the nuns were in robes, and others were without robes, and some of our novices were in robes. She replied that some, who did not receive the mantle during their life on earth, would be worthy of it in a future life, and, conversely, those who received the mantle during their lifetime would be deprived of it here. Going further, we saw an orchard. We entered it. In this garden, as in those seen before, some trees were in bloom, and others with ripe fruit. The tops of the trees were intertwined. This garden was more beautiful than all the previous ones. There were small houses, as if cast from crystal. In this garden we saw the Archangel Michael, who told me that this garden was the dwelling of the desert dwellers. In this garden I saw first the women, and as I went on, the men. They were all in white robes, monastic and non-monastic. Leaving the garden, I saw a crystal roof in the distance on crystal shiny columns. Under this roof there were many people: monks and laymen, men and women. Then the Archangel Michael became invisible. Then we imagined a house: it was without a roof, and its four walls were made of pure crystal. He was overshadowed by a cross erected as if in the air, of dazzling brilliance and beauty. In this house there were many nuns and novices in white robes. And here among them I saw some of our monastery, still alive. Still farther away there were two crystal walls, as if two walls of a house that had begun to be built. The other two walls and the roof were missing. Inside, along the walls, there were benches: men and women in white clothes sat on them. Then we entered another garden. There were five houses in this garden. The Holy Martyress Theodosia told me that these houses belonged to two nuns and three novices of our monastery. She named them, but ordered their names to be kept secret. Fruit trees grew near the houses: the first had a lemon tree, and the second had an apricot tree; the third - lemon, apricot and apple trees, the fourth - lemon and apricot. The fruits were all ripe. The fifth had no trees, but the places for planting had already been dug out. When we left this garden, we had to go downstairs. There we saw the sea; people crossed it: some were in water up to their necks, others had only one hand visible from the water; some traveled by boat. The holy martyress transferred me on foot. We also saw a mountain. On the mountain in white robes stood two sisters of our convent. The Mother of God stood above them and, pointing to one of them, said: "Behold, I give you for an earthly mother." From the dazzling light emanating from the Queen of Heaven, I closed my eyes. Then everything became invisible. After this vision, we began to climb the mountain. The whole mountain was dotted with wonderfully smelling flowers. There were many paths between the flowers, diverging in different directions. I rejoiced that it was so good here, and at the same time I cried that I would have to part with all these wonderful places, both with the Angels and with the holy martyress. I asked the Angel, "Tell me, where will I have to live?" Both the angel and the holy martyress answered: "We are always with you. And wherever you have to live, you have to endure everywhere." Then I saw the Archangel Michael again. The Angel accompanying me had the Holy Chalice in his hands, and he gave me Communion, saying that otherwise the "enemies" would have prevented my return. I bowed down to my holy guides, and they became invisible, and with great sorrow I found myself again in this world." All this, according to Olga's words, was recorded by me in Kiev on April 9, 1917. Further, the story of Olga's visions will be told from the words of her eldress Mother Anna. "In the first days of her sleep," Mother Anna told me, "Olga kept looking for a neck cross in her dreams. From her movements it was clear that she was showing it to someone, threatening someone, baptizing them and crossing herself herself. When I woke up for the first time, I said to my sisters: "The enemy is afraid of this. I threatened them and baptized them, and he left." Then they decided to give her a cross in her hand. She gripped it tightly in her right hand and did not let it go for 20 days so that it was impossible to take it out of her by force. When she woke up, she let it out of her hand, and before falling asleep, she took it in her hand again, saying that she needed it, that it was easy for her to be with it. After the 20th day, she no longer took him, explaining that they stopped taking her to dangerous places where "enemies" met, and began to take her to the heavenly abodes, where there was no one to fear. Once, during her miraculous dream, Olga, holding a cross in one hand, let her hair down with the other, covering it with a scarf that was around her neck. When she woke up, she explained that she had seen beautiful young men in crowns. These young men also gave her a crown, which she put on her head. It must have been at this time that she put on her headscarf. On March 1, Wednesday evening, Olga, waking up, said: "You will hear what will happen on the twelfth day." The sisters who were there thought that this was the day of the month and that some change might happen to Olga on this date. Olga replied to these thoughts: "On Saturday." It turned out that it was the 12th day of her sleep. On this day, in our monastery, they learned about the abdication of the Tsar from the throne. When Olga woke up in the evening, I said to her in terrible excitement: "Olya! Olya! What happened: the Tsar left the throne!" Olga calmly answered: "You only heard about it today, and we have been talking about it there for a long time. The Tsar has been sitting there with the Heavenly King for a long time." I asked Olga: "What is the reason for this?" "What was the reason for the Heavenly King, that they did this to Him: they cast Him out, reviled Him, and crucified Him? The same reason is for this King. He is a martyr." "What then," I asked, "will it be?" Olga sighed and answered: "There will be no Tsar, now there will be the Antichrist, but for now there will be a new rule." - "Will it be for the best?" "No," he said, "the new board will cope with its affairs, then it will take up the monasteries. Get ready, all of you prepare for the journey." "What journey?" - "You'll see later." "And what should I take with me?" - I asked. "Only handbags". - "And what will we carry in our purses?" Then Olga told one of the old people's secrets and added that they would all bear the same. "And what will happen to the monasteries? - I continue to inquire. "What will they do with the cells?" Olga answered with vivacity: "You ask, what will they do with the churches? Will monasteries alone crowd out? They will persecute all who will stand for the name of Christ and who will oppose the new government and the Jews. They will not only press and drive you away, but they will cut you at the joints. Only do not be afraid: there will be no pain, as if they were cutting a dry tree, knowing for Whom they are suffering." "But we," I said, "persecute others in the monastery alone." "This," he answers, "will not be imputed, but this persecution will be imputed." At this conversation, the sisters took pity on the Tsar: "Poor, poor," they said, "unfortunate sufferer! What reproach he endures!" To this, Olga smiled cheerfully and said: "On the contrary, the happiest of the happy. He is a martyr. Here he will suffer, and there he will be forever with the Heavenly King." On the 19th day of her sleep, on Saturday, March 11, Olga, waking up, said to me: "You will hear what will happen on the 20th day." I thought it was the day of the month, and Olga explained: "On Sunday." Sunday, March 12, was the 20th day of her sleep... (Further visions do not concern the afterlife experience and the personality of the Sovereign)." … After that she was in great reverie and anguish for a long time, and wept. To the sisters' questions she answered: "How can I not cry, when I will no longer see anything that I have seen, and everything here, even that which used to be pleasant to me, is now disgusting to me, and then there are these questions... Lord, I wish I could go there again!" When later in Kiev the former with Olga was recorded, she said: "Write - do not write: everything is the same - you will not believe it. Otherwise, now the time has come. Unless they believe it when any of my words begin to come true." Such are Olga's visions and miraculous dream. I saw this Olga and her old woman, talked to them. In appearance, Olga is the most ordinary peasant teenage girl, illiterate, not outstanding in appearance. Only her eyes were good, radiant and pure, and there was no falsehood or flattery in them. And how was it possible to lie and pretend in front of an entire monastery, and in such an environment - almost 40 days without food and drink?!!.. I have believed, and I believe: Amen, I say unto you, Whosoever receiveth not the kingdom of God, as a child, shall not enter into it" (Luke 18:17). (S. Nilus, "On the Banks of the River of God", St. Petersburg, 1996; Russia before the Second Coming". Moscow, 1993)

Toll-houses

In the winter of 1923-24 I fell ill with pneumonia. For eight days, the temperature was kept at 40.8 degrees. About the ninth day of my illness, I had a significant dream. Even at the very beginning, in semi-oblivion, when I tried to say the Jesus Prayer, I was distracted by visions - beautiful pictures of nature, over which I seemed to float. When I listened to the music or gazed at the wonderful landscapes, leaving prayer, I was shaken from head to toe by an evil force, and I soon began to pray. From time to time I came to my senses and saw clearly all the surroundings around me. Suddenly, my spiritual father, Hieromonk Stephen, appeared near my bed. He looked at me and said: "Let's go." Remembering with all my heart the teaching of the Church regarding the dangers of trusting in visions, I began to read the prayer "May God arise..." After listening to it with a quiet smile, he said, "Amen," and it was as if he had taken me with him somewhere. We found ourselves as if in the bowels of the earth, in a deep dungeon. In the middle, a turbulent stream of black water flowed. I thought about what that would mean. And in response to my thought, Father Stephen answered me without words, in his mind: "This is a toll-house for condemnation. Condemnation is never forgiven." In the deep stream, I saw my friend, still alive at that time. With horror I prayed for her, and she came out as if dry. The meaning of what she saw was this: if she had died in the state in which she was at that time, she would have died for the sin of condemnation, not covered by repentance. (She used to say that in order to turn away from sin, children should be taught to condemn people who act badly.) But since her hour of death has not come, she will be able to purify herself through great sorrows. We went up to the source of the stream and saw that it flowed out from under the huge, gloomy, heavy doors. It was felt that behind these gates there was darkness and horror... "What is this?" - I thought. "There are toll-houses for mortal sins," the host thought to me in response. There were no words between us. Thought answered thought directly. From this terrible, tightly closed gate, we turned back and seemed to rise higher. (Unfortunately, I do not remember the entire sequence of what I saw, although I convey all the visions quite accurately). We found ourselves as if in a ready-made dress store. There were a lot of clothes hanging on the hangers all around. It was unbearably stuffy and dusty. And then I realized that these dresses are my mental wishes for good clothes throughout my life. Here I saw my soul as if crucified, hung on a hanger, like a suit. It was as if my soul had been transformed into a dress and was suffocating in boredom and languor. Another image of the suffering soul was here in the form of a mannequin, put in a cage and carefully fashionably dressed. And this soul was suffocating from the emptiness and boredom of those vain vain desires with which it amused itself in life in thought. It became clear to me that in the event of my death, my soul would be tormented here, languishing in dust. But Father Stefan led me further. I saw, as it were, a counter with clean linen. Two of my relatives (still alive at that time) were endlessly shifting clean linen from place to place. It seemed that this picture did not represent anything particularly terrible, but again an incredible boredom and languor of spirit blew over me. I realized that this would have been the fate of my relatives in the afterlife if they had died by that time; they did not commit mortal sins, they were virgins, but they did not care about salvation, they lived without meaning, and this aimlessness would pass along with their souls into eternity. Then I saw it was like a classroom filled with soldiers looking at me reproachfully. And then I remembered my unfinished work: at one time I had to work with crippled soldiers. But then I left, did not respond to their letters and requests, leaving them to their fate in the difficult transitional time of the first years of the revolution... Then I was surrounded by a crowd of beggars. They stretched out their hands to me and said in their minds, without words: "Give, give!" I realized that I could have helped these poor people in my lifetime, but for some reason I did not do it. An indescribable feeling of deep guilt and the complete impossibility of justifying myself filled my heart. We went further. (I also saw my sin, which I had never thought of - ingratitude towards the servants, precisely that I took their work for granted. I must say that it is very difficult for me to convey the images I have seen: they are not caught in words, they become coarser, fading. Here is the way for us to be blocked by the scales. On one bowl my good deeds poured in an incessant stream, and on the other empty nuts fell noisily and scattered around with a dry crack: this was a symbol of my vanity, self-esteem. Apparently, these feelings completely devalued everything positive, since the cup with empty nuts outweighed it. There were no good deeds without an admixture of sin. Horror and anguish seized me. But suddenly a pie or a piece of cake fell on the bowl from somewhere, and the right side overweighed. (It seemed to me that someone had "loaned" me his good deed). So we stopped in front of a mountain, a mountain of empty bottles, and I realized with horror that this was an image of my pride, empty, pompous, stupid. The host thought to me in response that if I died, then at this ordeal I would have to open every bottle, as it were, which would be backbreaking and fruitless. But then Father Stefan waved as if it were some kind of giant corkscrew depicting grace, and all the bottles opened at once. I, freed, went on. I must add that I walked in monastic clothes, although at that time I was just preparing for tonsure. I tried to follow in the footsteps of my confessor, and if I stepped by, snakes came out and tried to bite me. At first, the confessor was in ordinary monastic attire, which later turned into a royal purple mantle. Here we came to a raging river. In it stood some evil anthropoid creatures, throwing thick logs at each other with fierce anger. When they saw me, they screamed with a kind of insatiable malice, devouring me with their eyes and trying to pounce on me. It was the toll-house of anger, manifested, unrestrained. Looking back, I noticed that saliva was crawling behind me, the size of a human body, but without forms, with the face of a woman. No words can convey the hatred that sparkled in her eyes that were constantly looking at me. It was my passion for irritability, as if identical with the demon of irritability. I must say that there I felt my passions, which I had developed and fed in life, as something united with the demons that stirred them up. All the time this saliva wanted to wrap itself around and suffocate me, but the confessor rejected it, mentally saying: "She is not dead yet, she can repent." Relentlessly, looking at me with inhuman malice, she crawled after me almost to the end of the ordeal. Then we came to a dam, or dam, in the form of a kind of rampart with a complex system of tubes through which water seeped. It was an image of my restrained, inner anger, a symbol of various mental evil constructions that took place only in my imagination. If I had died, I would have had to squeeze through all these tubes, to strain myself with incredible torment. Again a feeling of terrible, unrequited guilt seized me. "She is not dead yet," thought Father Stefan and led me on. For a long time I was followed by screams and a furious splash from the river of anger. After that, it was as if we climbed higher again and found ourselves in some room. In the corner, as if fenced off, stood some monsters, formless, having lost their human form, covered and soaked through with some disgusting shame. I realized that these were ordeals for obscenity, obscene jokes, indecent words. I was relieved to think that I was not guilty of this, and suddenly I heard these monsters speak in terrible voices: "Ours, ours!" and I remembered with amazing distinctness how, as a ten-year-old schoolboy, I had written some stupid things on pieces of paper in class with a friend. And again the same unresponsiveness, connected with the deepest consciousness of guilt, seized me. But the leader with the same mentally pronounced words: "She is not dead yet" - took me away. Nearby, as if leaving this fenced-off nook, I saw my soul in the form of a figurine enclosed in a glass jar. It was a toll-house for fortune-telling. I felt how fortune-telling humiliates and diminishes the immortal soul, turning it into a lifeless laboratory preparation. Farther on, in the opposite corner, as if through the windows leading to the next lower room, I saw an innumerable number of confectionery arranged in rows: these were the sweets I had eaten. Although I did not see demons here, these manifestations of cheryogory, carefully collected during my life, reeked of demonic viciousness. I would have to absorb it all again, this time without pleasure, but as if under torture. Then we passed a pool filled with an incessantly rotating red-hot, as if molten, golden liquid. It was a ordeal for mentally perverted voluptuousness. Fierce flour emanated from this molten moving liquid. Then I saw the soul of my friend (not yet dead) in the form of a flower wonderful in color and ridiculous in shape. It consisted of wondrous pink petals folded into a long tube: there was neither a stem nor a root. The confessor approached, cut off the petals and, planting them deep into the ground, said: "Now he will bear fruit." Not far away stood the soul of my cousin, all filled with military ammunition, as if there was no soul at all. This brother loved military affairs very much for his own sake, and did not recognize any other occupations for himself. After that, we moved to another, smaller room, in which there were freaks: giants with tiny heads, dwarfs with huge heads. Right there I stood in the form of a huge dead nun, as if made of wood. All these were symbols of people who led a self-willed ascetic life, without obedience and guidance: in some the bodily podvig predominated, in others the rationality was too developed. As for myself, I realized that there would be a time when I would leave obedience to my spiritual father and die spiritually. (This is what happened when, in 1929, violating the advice of Father Stephen, I went into schism, not wanting to recognize Metropolitan Sergius, the future Patriarch. My feet seemed to be frozen to the floor, but after the fervent prayer of the Mother of God, I again got the opportunity to follow Father Stefan. It was not a toll-house, but a kind of image of my future deviations from the right path to salvation. Then there was a row of huge empty churches, through which we walked for a tiringly long time. I could hardly move my legs and mentally asked Father Stefan when this path would end. He immediately thought to me: "These are your dreams, why did you dream so much?" The churches we passed through were very tall and beautiful, but alien to God, temples without God. From time to time, there were lecterns, before which I, kneeling, confessed, while the facilitator, waiting, stood nearby. The first priest to whom I confessed was Father Peter (our cathedral archpriest, to whom I really confessed for the first time after this dream). Further, I did not see my confessor during confession, but I often confessed at the lecterns. All this spoke to me about my future life, about salvation through the frequent Sacrament of Confession. Suddenly, we heard a kind of drumbeat, and, looking back, we saw in the wall on the right an icon of St. Theodosius of Chernigov, who seemed to remind me of himself. The saint stood in a nod to his full height, alive. I remembered that I had stopped praying to him lately. Then, when we went on, St. Nicholas of Myra came out to meet us. It was all pink and gold, like a rose petal, pierced by the golden rays of the sun. My soul shuddered at the contact with the shrine, and I threw myself on my face in horror. All the wounds of the soul ached painfully, as if naked and illuminated from within by this tremendous closeness to holiness. Lying on my face, I saw how St. Nicholas kissed his spiritual father on the cheek... We went further. Soon I felt that the Mother of God could descend to us. But my feeble, sin-loving soul was tossed about desperately from the impossibility of direct communion with the holy object. We went and felt that the exit was near. Almost at the very exit I saw the ordeal of one of my acquaintances, and on the way out - one nun, who seemed to be thrown up on a board. But here the sins of others did not attract my attention at all. Then we entered the church. The narthex was in the shade, and the main part of the temple was flooded with light. High in the air near the iconostasis stood the slender figure of a girl of extraordinary beauty and nobility, clothed in a purple mantle. The saints surrounded her in an oval ring in the air. This wondrous girl seemed to me extraordinarily familiar, dear, but I tried in vain to remember who she was: "Who are you, dear, dear, infinitely close?" And suddenly something inside me said that this was my soul, given to me by God, a soul in the virgin state in which it had been from the baptismal font: the image of God in it had not yet been distorted. She was surrounded by holy intercessors, I don't remember who they were - one, I remember, was as if in ancient hierarchal clothes. A wondrous light poured from the window of the church, illuminating everything with a gentle radiance. I stood and watched, freezing. But then, from the twilight shadow of the narthex, a terrible creature on pig's legs came up to me, a depraved woman, ugly, short, with a huge mouth, with black teeth across her belly. Oh, horror! This monster was my soul in its present state, a soul that had distorted the image of God, without form. The monster seemed to want to cling to me with schadenfreude, but the host pushed me aside with the words: "She is not dead yet," and I rushed after him in horror to the exit. In the shadows, around the column, sat other similar freaks - other people's souls, but I had no time for other people's sins. As I was leaving, I looked around and again with anguish saw in the air, at the height of the iconostasis, that dear, close and long-forgotten, lost... We got out and walked along the road. And then, as it were, my future earthly life began to be depicted: I saw myself among the old, snow-covered monastery buildings. The nuns surrounded me, as if to say, "Yes, yes, it's good that I came." They led me to the abbot, who also greeted my arrival. But for some reason, I terribly did not want to stay there, wondering at myself in my sleep, since at this period of my life (before my illness) I was already striving for monasticism. Then one day we came out of there and found ourselves on a deserted road. Next to her at the side sat a majestic old man with a large book in his hands. The spiritual father and I knelt before him, and the elder, tearing a sheet out of the book, handed it to Father Stephen. He took it and disappeared. I realized - he died. The elder also disappeared. I was left alone. In bewilderment, with fear, I went forward, further along the deserted sandy road. She led me to the lake. It was sunset. From somewhere came the faint ringing of the church. On the shore of the lake there was a wall of pine forest. I stopped in complete bewilderment: there was no road. And suddenly, gliding over the ground, the figure of the confessor appeared in the air in front of me. He had a censer in his hands, and he looked at me sternly. Moving towards the forest, facing me, he censed and seemed to be calling me. I followed him, keeping my eyes on him, and entered the thicket of the forest. He slid through the trunks of the trees like a ghost and censed all the time, staring at me incessantly. We stopped in a clearing. I knelt down and prayed. He, silently gliding around the clearing and not taking his stern eyes off me, censed it all over and disappeared - I woke up. Several times during this dream, I came to my senses, saw the room, heard the breathing of a sleeping relative. Consciously not wanting to continue the dream, I read a prayer, but again I seemed to lose my temper against my will. When I finally woke up, I clearly realized that I was dying, and then I felt my whole life as aimless, not preparing me for eternity. "For nothing, for nothing, life has been lived," I repeated, and with fervent prayer I clung to the Queen of Heaven, so that She would ask me for time to repent. "I promise to live for Thy Son," poured out from the depths of my heart. And at the same moment, as if with blessed dew, it poured over me. The heat was gone. I felt lightness, a return to life. Through the shutters, through the cracks, I saw the stars calling me to a new, renewed life... In the morning, the doctor stated my recovery. (Nun Sergia (Klimenko)." The past unfolds the scroll..." Moscow, 1998)

Meeting the Lord

Earlier, when I had just come to the Orthodox faith, it seemed to me that the Lord, seeing our sinfulness, no longer showed us His miracles. But what happened to me soon made me think differently. And I am ready to tell you about everything. But for this, perhaps, I will start in order. My path to Orthodoxy turned out to be difficult and tediously long. I was born at the time of active construction of "paradise on earth", when it was stubbornly suggested that there is no God, and that "religion itself is the opium of the people". Most of all, Orthodoxy was denigrated. And in my soul there is a firmly rooted attitude to the faith of my ancestors as something backward and primitive. But the question of what is the meaning of earthly existence began to worry me quite early. And since childhood, I have tried to comprehend the mysteries of nature by studying it. Having spent more than one year on this, I did not receive an intelligible answer. Intuitively, I felt that behind the material manifestation of life there was a life unknown and, perhaps, more diverse and complex. I guessed that the inner nature of man, his soul, was somehow connected with the invisible life. At one time I was fond of psychology and philosophy. But the various theories did not inspire confidence in me, and I stopped being interested in them. At that time, the concept of "Creator", "Creator" was already in my mind. But I stubbornly avoided the concept of "God," which for me was associated with fanaticism. And as a result, with all recklessness, I plunged into the boundless multitude of Eastern beliefs, so temptingly promising to reveal the Truth. Suddenly I began to guess that they were stubbornly "leading me by the nose", trying to lead me away from the Truth altogether. No longer relying on my own strength, realizing only my complete insignificance before the Incomprehensible, I then prayed to the Creator with all the sincerity and despair that overwhelmed me: "Lord, bring me to You! Show me the way that leads to You, the Truth..." From that moment on, I only lived and breathed this inner prayer-supplication. And the Lord heard me. And He opened the way to Himself. I was baptized. Soon, the Orthodox faith, having deeply touched me, became the only meaning of life. I was shocked that all my life I had walked next to the Truth, not knowing it at all. Perhaps, in order to cherish the faith of my ancestors more reverently, the Lord led me to it along such a thorny path. The mercy and generosity of the Almighty to me did not end there. Suddenly I found an extraordinary state of inner peace and tranquility, unknown to me before. At the same time, my long-unhealthy body miraculously freed itself from the captivity of numerous sores. His body perked up, feeling the long-forgotten youthful freshness. And it seemed to me then that I received all these extraordinary gifts forever. This went on for more than one month, while I diligently comprehended church life with its amazing Sacraments. At first, I didn't realize at all why I was being given this new strength. And instead of multiplying them and cherishing them, I began to spend them unwisely and recklessly. Gradually, more and more indulging in temporal vanity, I began to neglect the services, forgetting about the Sacraments, which so nourish and purify the soul. And what was the result? All the gifts given to me by grace from above, I just as unexpectedly lost. It was then that all my previous illnesses returned to me, but with even greater force. And inner peace was replaced by a soul-exhausting delusion. As if the grace of God did not touch me at all. By that time, I was already forty years old. And in her arms is a late child, who is only five and a half years old. It was necessary to take care of him, feed him, clothe him. And forgetting about the most important thing - the salvation of the soul, I completely plunged into the domestic whirlwind. My existence without God again began to resemble a senseless, hectic race, from which I constantly felt only incredible fatigue. Fortunately for me, the Lord looked at me again and heard my weak but desperate call. And this time He showed His infinite mercy. The day before, completely unaware of anything, I was still indulging in worldly vanity. I worked as an artist and tried to complete a large order on time. Sharply deteriorating health forced me to immediately go to the doctor at the end of work. I haven't sought medical help for a long time. And the dry words of the surgeon: "Tomorrow urgently for the operation..." - were a shock for me. Everything inside me immediately turned cold. Suddenly, my whole life, a life in which there was no time to stop and think, suddenly and abruptly stopped, frozen in front of a terrifying unknown. "What about me?.. What will happen to me? What will happen to my loved ones, to my little child? - I thought.- After all, the operation is to be performed under general anesthesia. And this means a considerable probability that my sinful soul will leave the body forever! With what will she appear before the Lord?.." To solve the family's financial difficulties, I worked day and night, completely forgetting about God. For more than a month I have not attended church, confessed and communed of the Holy Mysteries. The accumulated unrepentant sins weighed on the soul. But I justified such a long absence from church before my aching conscience and before God by temporary circumstances, extreme fatigue and lack of time. With the sudden news of what was coming, my whole life and its values changed instantly. And on that long and painful night before the operation, I did not sleep at all, thinking that the most important and only thing left for me now was the salvation of my soul. The consciousness of his sinfulness led to burning despair. And everything inside me burned with a painfully burning fire. Barely waiting for the morning and leaving the preparations for the hospital, I rushed headlong to a familiar monastery to the priest to whom I had always confessed, hoping that he would not refuse to help me. To my great happiness, the priest was in the monastery. I spent more than an hour in heartfelt repentance and weeping for my sins. The Lord was so merciful that He did not refuse me Communion of the Holy Mysteries. I immediately felt better. The sacraments removed a heavy burden from my darkened soul. And the instructions of the priest, who did not hide the truth, set me up for the worst, helped me a lot to cope with animal fear and properly prepare myself for the operation. Finally calmed down, I surrendered myself to the will of the Almighty. For the rest of the time before the operation, I only repeated the Jesus Prayer. Trying not to lose her, I lay down on the operating table. When the anesthesia "went" and a chill was felt in the mouth, thoughts began to blur, as if melting. And I only managed to say in my mind: "Lord, in Thy hands..." But then, gathering my strength, feeling the importance of this prayer at such a crucial moment in my life, I nevertheless finished: "... I give up my soul." Before this incident, I had undergone operations under general anesthesia more than once. And every time I came to my senses, there was only a feeling of deep sleep without dreams. And this time... When I finished praying, it was as if I had flown out somewhere. At the same time, consciousness did not leave me for a fraction of a second. It was as if I surfaced in another dimension. I confess right away that what began to happen to me from that moment was beyond earthly sensations and concepts. And for all the scarcity of human language, it is not subject to complete description. But I still dared to do it, guided by the will from above. ... Nothing in me and outside of me even remotely resembled earthly. All human sensations disappeared immediately. Everything earthly is gone, disappeared without a trace. But I knew for sure that it was me and that all this was happening to me. The sensations of oneself were so unearthly bright and integral that it is impossible for the human mind to appreciate it. On earth, however, burdened by the flesh, the sense of self is very limited and self-contained. In addition, human consciousness, constantly torn apart by the flow of thoughts and a flurry of emotions, does not have integrity, as I realized after a while, having assessed my state THERE. So, my consciousness was concentrated together clearly and clearly. In the next moment, I suddenly wanted to define myself, to realize: what am I, what am I? And my consciousness suddenly and invisibly separated from myself. And I saw myself from the outside. And I was able to examine myself in great detail. From an earthly point of view, this sounds, at least, strange and implausible. But THERE is its own reality and its own laws of being, absolutely not subject to our understanding... If we talk about time, then this whole episode happened very quickly. But the temporal concepts of THERE are also peculiar: time THERE exists, as it were, in time. And the moment when I examined myself from the outside was an independent and capacious piece of time in the general course of momentary events, not stopping for a moment. In the next moment, I saw a huge bright space in front of me, causing a calm, bright joy. This immense expanse of light stretched to the horizon, which was clearly visible. And behind me, I felt, there was a line separating me from the abyss (so I felt the place from which I had just "come"). It was as if I was on a plane under which there was a dark and deaf abyss. This invisible and unknown plane separated that oppressive, gloomy abyss from the boundless bright space in which I now found myself. Even on earth, before the operation, I desperately prayed that the Lord would give me at least a little more time, at least a little of it, to pay off debts to my neighbors. I painfully prayed to Him to give me this opportunity. And when I was THERE, I had only one goal. Everything in me was subordinated to her and concentrated on this goal. It was an irresistible desire to get to HIM. Who was above everything and in everything, to Whom all things are subject. The word "God" was absent in my mind at that time. But I knew clearly that this was the Final Authority, the Author of everything, the Judge. I needed to get to HIM with a REQUEST. With a REQUEST that I brought with me from where I had just come, and which was more important in me and for me. This was the only thing that was important to me. I didn't even realize, I didn't think about what this request was. But it was this REQUEST that was the only driving factor that made me yearn for HIM with an irresistible thirst with all my being, and that was what filled and overwhelmed me. For a moment, I felt completely alone. But it was only a moment. Because the next moment (regardless of me and my motivation) suddenly there was a movement in which I was no longer alone. And I immediately felt this someone's presence, although I did not see anyone yet. But someone or something very warm, big, reliable suddenly appeared from somewhere next to me, taking care of and accompanying me in the movement that suddenly began. There was a feeling that such an unexpected appearance of someone was given with the highest permission, out of sympathy for me, who found myself in unusual conditions, in support and direction of me. And I immediately felt confident and trusted in the unknown guide and tried to convey my intentions to my companion. But this was quite unnecessary, since he knew all about my intention here even without my knowledge. And, unquestioningly obeying my main desire-goal, he carried me along with him. I will make a small digression to supplement my story. A couple of days after the operation, a neighbor visited me. I told her, without any details, that I had "traveled" during the operation. Then she remembered that more than seven years ago, also being under general anesthesia during an operation, she also "traveled". She began to describe everything in great detail, and I was struck by the surprising resemblance (even in small things) to my impressions. The impressions of her journey were so strong that she remembered everything with unfading clarity for more than seven years. But there was one difference in our "travels" with her, and a very significant one. Namely: no one accompanied my friend THERE, and she experienced a feeling of immense loneliness THERE. I can also add that she is a person who believes in God, but is not Orthodox and unbaptized, denying Christ as Savior. Now I will continue again about my journey. The companion that guided our movement with him felt more and more clearly to me. I became more and more aware that he was obliged, with Someone's supreme permission, to show me all this and I had to go through this entire route assigned to me from above. But I was still possessed most of all by only one goal - to get to HIM as soon as possible. My companion seemed to immediately catch everything that was happening in me. Any movement in me was immediately transmitted to him, like a thought, as if in a conversation between two people who understood each other well. But the language of our communication with him was not at all human. Catching my impatient desire, my guide obeyed me unquestioningly. We soon found ourselves in a confined space, in the center of which there was a kind of crater. This crater at an angle went into some unknown space under ours, as if inside it. In indecision, I stopped very close to this crater. My guide also stopped. It was as if we were waiting for something, feeling that we needed to stop. Now I had the opportunity to see my companion in detail. He was neither male nor female. His long, wavy hair fell from his head onto his outstretched wings and merged with them. He was wearing a robe that hid his limbs. My whole companion - his head, face, long flowing hair, wings and clothes - shimmered, shimmering with color waves, which was very much like the shimmering of light on the mother-of-pearl surface of a sea shell. His body did not resemble coarse human flesh in quality, but as if it consisted of opaque dense ether. The fragrance that emanated from my companion was not just a smell. It was an unusually wonderful spiritual aroma, the likes of which I had never felt in earthly conditions. His face, radiating unearthly peace, was soft and unperturbed. There were eyes, nose, and lips on his face. But all this was unified, without sharp boundaries and outlines, thus expressing the softness and beauty of the face even more. Later, on earth, I tried to understand why my companion was so strikingly familiar to me, as if he resembled someone. After a while, I remembered. Yes, yes, undoubtedly - "Trinity" by Andrei Rublev! The amazing faces of the icon reflect the same equanimity and calmness, the same softness and beauty of unearthly tranquility. And even the external resemblance, the proportions of the face and body are very close to the appearance of my companion, which was very reminiscent of the images from ancient Russian icons. And it occurred to me that in the prayerful feat of the holy iconographers the true vision of the invisible world, hidden from sinful, carnal eyes, was revealed. While I was looking at my companion, he made it clear to me affirmatively that we had reached my desired goal. All the time of our communication I also clearly felt that, in submitting to me, he was more than that controlled and completely subordinate to the will from above, which invisibly but inseparably guided and controlled him all the time. I also felt just as clearly that my companion knew something I was not privy to. But for some reason I did not have the slightest desire to know more than what was allowed to me from above. The next moment I saw how people like me, with their guides, suddenly appearing from somewhere, rush into the funnel with lightning speed and disappear there, as if being drawn in, sucked into it. Like colorless transparent shadows, they flashed one after another. Companions held their wards between their wings, carefully covering their priceless burden with them. The space where I lingered with my guide for a reason that was not yet clear to me was for them only a brief moment on the way to their goal. My companion, following the flickering shadows, smoothly turned his head, and I saw his equally beautiful profile. For a while, he calmly watched what was happening, as if waiting for something. Suddenly, an irresistible craving arose in me - the desire to follow along with everyone else into this funnel. But my companion instantly caught what was happening in me and immediately let me know that I should join him. Without hesitation, I immediately, in an instant, found myself under his outstretched right wing. And from there, as from a safe haven, she watched what was happening. My impatience grew more and more, and I wondered: what are we waiting for? I was so impatient to submit to the general movement and follow into the beckoning funnel. But my companion seemed to be waiting for the moment to tell me what I myself should have guessed and not insisted. Finally he said to me, "It's not time yet." He told me this very convincingly and firmly. And I immediately, without hesitation, agreed with him, as if I instantly understood everything that it was not the time for me to go THERE. From that moment on, I suddenly felt myself moving downward, in a completely different space. It was as if I had fallen out of that dimension and was going down, flying alone, without my guide. But his sudden disappearance did not alarm or frighten me in the least. I fell through a white mist, it was more like white light, and I felt serene, good and peaceful. All my desires, which had previously occupied my entire being and were the most significant and important for me, suddenly disappeared, dissolved, leaving no trace. The bliss I felt in return is indescribable, for I had never experienced anything like it in my life (or even suspected anything like it). Everything around me was filled with a state of endless and boundless LOVE for me and for the environment around me. It was an all-encompassing LOVE, a LOVE that emanated from HIM, a LOVE that permeated and encompassed my entire being, resonating in me with a childlike devotion and an equally selfless love for its Creator. Blissful awe, boundless happiness filled me. It was as if I had existed only for the sake of this reverent love for HIM, while at the same time absorbing the LOVE radiating from the Almighty. And there were no boundaries, no limit to the depth of this all-encompassing and all-pervading LOVE. It seemed that everything that existed at all was only LOVE and nothing else. For a while, I sank like this, enjoying unearthly serene happiness and sweet bliss. But when I went down and was already out of the white light, the feeling of bliss disappeared immediately and without a trace. And I was instantly seized by an inhuman cry. It was as if I came to my senses: after all, I could not convey to HIM the most important thing, for the sake of which I had come all this way. And the realization of this plunged me into indescribable horror. Directing my "gaze" upwards, I began to call out to God. The concept-word "God" has already appeared in my consciousness. I cried out to Him in despair and weeping, repeating incessantly, "Lord, forgive me! Lord, save my child!" - but not yet with words, but as if with your whole being. The feeling of unbearable grief was immensely deep in me. It was as if I had lost something that was the only meaning of my existence, and now consisted only of inhuman pain, inconsolable crying, and incessant lamentation for God. Yes, because I lost that boundless LOVE, and it was painful, sorrowful and unbearable for me. It was as if I was dying again and again every second, burning incessantly from the excruciating pain that enveloped me. Later, on earth, I kept thinking back to the memories of that boundless divine LOVE and to the memories of unbearable sorrow, comparing them. Perhaps it is not by chance that I was shown such a huge difference between these states. Now they, these states, like two points between God and darkness, constantly remind me of the meaning of my earthly existence and what I should strive for in this life with all my might. The memory of the pain and sorrow I experienced because I was cut off from God made me think that even after experiencing this, I could only vaguely guess the hopelessness and suffering in which sinners languish in hell, inconsolably crying out to God. And their terrible pain is great not only because they burn in hellfire, but also because they are cut off from God, from His boundless LOVE. And isn't this separation from God a burning in hell, and is not the sophisticated demonic torment and cruel torture a consequence of complete isolation and absolute insecurity by Divine LOVE? Now I understood that human nature, wholly preoccupied with the consuming cares of the world, is incapable of understanding all the horror and hopelessness of the sinner languishing in hell. We live on earth as if death with its inevitable changes in existence will not affect us personally. My hopelessly contrite crying did not cease and tore my soul more and more. This went on for some time... But suddenly, at some point, I clearly felt that I was seeing Him. And His presence immediately filled everything with white light. It was something powerful and all-encompassing, without concrete forms, filling all things and radiating a dazzling white light, the light of the unfading Eternal Sun. The dazzling majesty of the Creator made me tremble and weep even more. I was shocked and absorbed by everything that was revealed to me. Then I noticed that there was someone else next to Him, but much smaller, and his outline was like a human silhouette: a head and the upper part of folded wings and shoulders, everything else was immersed in a white mist-light. I didn't see Lik either, as he also dissolved in the white light. I felt the love and warmth coming from him towards me, and also that he was familiar to me with this warmth and sympathy for me. This someone, so palpably familiar to me, was talking to HIM (God), and I clearly understood that this conversation directly concerned me. It was as if he interceded for me before God. And into my desperate weeping, which did not stop for a moment, suddenly burst involuntarily a contrition of incredible strength in its sinfulness, which grew more and more. And the Lord seemed to be listening to my weeping. And the fact that I was finally heard by Him began to have a calming effect on me, as if His LOVE that I had lost began to return to me again. But, strange as it may seem, my broken crying still did not stop, it became deeper and stronger. At some point, the white light and everything it contained began to disappear, as if dissolving. And I felt that I was descending into denser layers. From contact with this density, the sensations gradually began to change to less pleasant. The weeping and prayer in me still did not stop, and moreover, intensified, but it expressed, along with repentance, deep gratitude to the Almighty. I descended lower and lower, until suddenly I heard voices sounding already on earth, and fragments of the phrase: "... She's waking up..." Although there were no bodily sensations yet, somehow I felt that I was being moved somewhere. I saw a white mist in front of me and thought that perhaps I was going back to where I had just descended. Later I realized that it was a hospital wall covered with white tiles. But before that, I could not understand where I was for a long time. At some point, I realized that I was already calling out to the Lord aloud, in human language. Sometimes I would interrupt my earnest prayer to the Lord to ask questions to the voices I had heard: "Where am I?.. I'm on the ground?.. I am a man?..." In response, I heard my sister's soft voice, calming me down with affirmative answers. Gradually, I slowly began to realize that it was really me, that I was on earth, and that everything that was supposed to happen to me had already ended, but I did not yet realize what it was. Before the operation, I was very afraid that I might not wake up and that my loved ones would be shocked by this loss, that it would be very difficult for them without me. And my petition to HIM (to God) consisted of a request to leave me still on earth, in order to "pay off debts to my neighbors." And most importantly, my sinfulness had a very strong effect on me. And I was well aware that I could not "leave" in such a bad state of my affairs... My desperate screaming and crying continued, and I felt as if I was being burned with a red-hot iron. Later I realized what was burning me so unbearably. They were tears. They streamed from my eyes, so that all the clothes around my neck were wet. Gradually, I began to be filled with aching bodily pain. And I felt myself slowly returning to my body. My return to the body was long and unpleasant. Especially at the first moment of realizing what is happening. I felt an unpleasant earthly heaviness that poured into me like molten lead, a great sorrow and deep disappointment from returning to earth. But, despite such negative and unpleasant feelings, my crying-crying, along with gratitude, also included the realization that my request was still heard by Him... According to the nurse, I cried out to God for more than an hour and a half, desperately and tearfully. I was hardly persuaded not to make noise, because there were still sick people in the ward, after which I stopped praying aloud, but continued to do it in my thoughts for a long time, until I fell into sleepy oblivion. They started operating on me at six o'clock in the evening. At two o'clock in the morning, I woke up, remembering everything very vividly. More and more I began to be seized by an unrelenting desire to stand up and write down everything that had happened to me. I became more and more confident that I should do this not for myself, but for someone. It was as if someone was forcing me to do it. At that moment, I had the impression that what happened to me THERE was so natural and there was nothing special about it. It seemed to me then that all the experiences that I had THERE were close to any human soul, that it was available to everyone... But the demand growing from somewhere above still forced me, as it were, to capture, to fix on paper what remained in my memory. And, still perplexed by the unclear demands from the outside, I finally got out of bed, obeying the calls from above, and with difficulty controlling my body weakened after anesthesia, I wrote everything down. Before that, I did not have to engage in writing. And I was very struck by the feeling that something seemed to be in possession of my hand. From somewhere, what I had to write down easily poured into my consciousness. And it was not difficult for me to do this. At some point, I suddenly thought: "Maybe someone needs this; Perhaps this story about an extraterrestrial journey will help someone to gain faith that our life is not just a brief and meaningless moment on earth and the meaning of this brief moment is so important for the future, imperishable life. And most importantly, by my example, someone will be able to gain faith in the true God." Earlier, before what happened to me, I was often tormented by lack of faith and doubts. I came to Orthodoxy some nine months ago. And now I know for sure: God exists!

***

After a good time, I decided to supplement my notes with something that, I hope, can be of some value to a believer. This operation took place on March 14, 1996, during Lent. And what happened to me during it, I'm sure, wasn't a dream. Undoubtedly, this was reality. Dream impressions, as a rule, fade and are erased from memory. Even the brightest events of daily life gradually fade and are forgotten. And this.. I remember everything, down to the smallest detail, so vividly.. And what happened to me for the first time after the operation can also be attributed to the amazing. Truly, the Lord's generosity knows no bounds. He punishes the sinner with great love. Having honored me with a serious test, He richly rewarded me, lifting the veil of the mysterious and inaccessible to many mortals. And what I gained in a short moment of trials went deep into my soul. After returning to earth, for about three more months, there was a feeling that I had not quite returned to my body. It felt like a newborn baby. And the whole world was perceived by me in a completely different way. It was an extraordinary feeling of unity with all those living on earth, as if I were one body with all people, a feeling of equality before the Almighty with any person, even the most wretched and sinful. I felt very keenly that we were one for God, and therefore I had a deep awareness of responsibility for everyone. I felt that we have no right to offend our neighbors and we need to live only by love for each other. There was an amazingly deep feeling of love for everything earthly - nature, plants - and an amazing feeling of pleasure in every moment of earthly existence. It was as if a feeling of sincere gratitude to the Almighty was born in me for everything. For everything that has happened to me, is happening and can happen again. There was a sincere desire not to sin anymore and not to offend his neighbors. After the operation, the fear for the fate of the child completely disappeared. I understood how the Lord loves all of us infinitely and cares for all of us, only we do not always understand this and often resist His good will. And I realized much more deeply that each of our requests to God will undoubtedly be heard. One of the most valuable acquisitions I received from TAM was the complete absence of fear of death. In the past, before I believed in God, I often woke up at night with a chilling, sepulchral horror of death. Life with such a horrible end seemed to me then meaningless and worthless. I saw that we, people, like primitive insects, were swarming in earthly cares and passions, creating fragile and short-lived structures - structures of ants. And she understood more and more that man is stubbornly looking for the meaning of life in this process, inventing numerous and most complex theories of existence to justify his fuss. And it was no longer possible to conceal from oneself the fact that all this instantly crumbled at such an inevitable and inevitable fact as death. The widespread theory of existence that we live for procreation did not calm me down either. And, apparently unwilling to accept the frightening inevitability, I relentlessly tried to find a more reliable justification for human existence. Intuitively, I felt that there was a deeper and more undeniable justification for every human life. And so, thanks to Orthodoxy, I managed to radically change my attitude to earthly life and death. I realized that the life we so desperately and convulsively cling to turns into dust and dust at the feet of the Lord. And the experience given to me from above really showed that there is no death (in the understanding of an unbeliever). And there is only getting rid of everything superfluous and interfering and acquiring the wholeness of the true "I" in an inseparable connection with God. The consciousness that the true reality is THERE, and our earthly so-called reality, is only an imaginary reality, nothing more than an illusion taken for reality, has firmly entered me. And if my "journey" can be called only the first step towards death, then death itself is deliverance from earthly existence in endless tormenting passions. Now death for me is no longer a frightening inevitability, darkening the mind, causing an animal fear of the unknown. Death for me is now a liberation, a gift of God. The earthly sojourn, in comparison with the heavenly one, turned out to be so immensely painful and oppressive, and the unforgettable memories of the "white world" so sweetly real, that to exchange the earthly vegetative life for the heavenly abode would now be only happiness and a dream for me. But... Even when I was on the way FROM THERE, instead of being terrified of death, I was seized by an overwhelming horror for my sinfulness. And when my consciousness returned to my body, the fear of sin completely replaced the animal fear of death. And the horror that I did not atone for my sins before God is so great that it makes me think more not about heavenly bliss, but about eternal burning. Now I understand that only the death of a righteous man is deliverance, and the death of a sinner is terrible in its hopelessness. I began to understand more and more that the Lord needed only a soul washed in tears of repentance. Yes, pain is an ordeal. But perhaps this is the only thing that can deeply shake a person, forcing him to change his view of earthly existence itself and revive him to a new life. We do not value this gift of life so much, forgetting about the brief moment granted by the Lord. I distinctly remember that THERE I retained the most pronounced traits of my character, which guided me and THERE. These are assertiveness and anxiety, the inability to wait. Now I can only conclude that you need to educate your character here, on earth. THERE it will be too late. THERE we will only be presented with a fait accompli... At first after the operation, the attitude to food was unusual. I will not hide the fact that all my life one of my sins was gluttony, with which I successfully fought, then fell into it again. At first after the operation, I did not want to eat at all. It's not that there was no physical desire, but just that this process of eating suddenly lost its meaning for me, becoming simply incomprehensible. THERE my soul was satiated with the vision of the Lord, and it needed nothing more. And she did not expect any other substitute for spiritual food, living by unearthly grace. Thus I was exposed to an absolutely amazing state when neither flesh nor soul is burdened with coarse physical food (which I did not want to touch at all). But my soul still returned to earth, back to my body. There was no escaping it, it had to be accepted as a will from above. And the body finally demanded its food. At first I grieved very much because the soul was becoming more and more sleepy, a state of stupefaction and unreceptivity. My connection with what was THERE, gradually turned from a mighty stream into the thinnest thread. A thread that still connects me with that world. And thanks to this connection, I manage to survive now in this harsh and indifferent world. Yes, this is how cold and callous the earthly world is seen in comparison with the Heavenly one... For a long time, after returning FROM THERE, I kept silent about another fact that shocked my consciousness. I understood that it could cause most people to be painfully depressed. But now, with the passage of time, gradually returning to my usual worldly existence, I realized that what I had been hiding could open the eyes of many people to our true earthly existence. For the first time, the three days after returning to earth were especially painful for me. What I saw and felt from the contact with the earth plunged my renewed soul into a depressing state. The earth seemed to me like a huge stinking garbage dump, littered with mountains of living human corpses teeming on it. Their swarming created an imaginary appearance of life on earth. From these living human corpses emanated a terrible unearthly stench, from which my soul suffocated and suffered immensely. From this earthly nightmare, which I had not noticed and suspected before, living here, my soul yearned to return to the sky. It seemed to me that my true homeland was THERE, in heaven, and here I was again by some ridiculous accident, by a strange mistake. I came back FROM there like a newborn baby. And I had the complete helplessness of this newborn, vulnerable baby and vulnerability to contact with the terrible earthly reality that had opened up to me. I was especially traumatized by close contact with people. Many of them had hidden strong aggression and anger, and I saw this in all sincerity. It seemed that their angry contents were about to spill out of them, and they could only barely hold back this inner onslaught. Their inhuman gazes, burning from somewhere inside, like red coals; His eyes, full of anger and malice, caused me incredible mental pain. I felt very sorry for these people, and at first I sincerely cried for their sins. But gradually it became more and more difficult for me to get in touch with them. At some point, I felt that my mournful crying for them had stopped, and the feeling of resentment that had suddenly appeared was growing. It was a grudge for these people, for their miserable condition, but it began to torment my soul unbearably. I came to my senses and began to pray for myself. But, obviously, she was too late... The earth really lies in evil. Being here on earth, we remain only perishable, weak people. And along with this resentment, something bad entered me, something oppressive and heavy, imperiously enveloping everything inside, causing a state of painful obscuration after a bright, unearthly joy. Subsequently, the dark forces mercilessly attacked me, taking revenge on me, as I felt, for my rebirth. Through people close and dear to me, these "non-humans" tried to destroy me and the light in me. With bitterness, I felt my helplessness. And only an uninterrupted connection with God - prayer and faith - saves me. Once a man who was far from old came to the monastery, where I go to services. He was very depressed from drinking, and an unpleasant tart smell emanated from him, since his clothes were soaked with what he walked under himself. I did not notice how he was next to me, and from the smell that suddenly hit my nose, I involuntarily turned around. And the first thing that came to my mind was: how can we stink with our sins without noticing it? And what do our guardian angels have to endure from us?.. The second thing I thought was: probably the Lord brought this unfortunate man here, to the church, during the service for a reason. This is a good reminder to us, sinners, of our deplorable condition. And the Lord often reminds us of our true condition, sending us sorrows and illnesses. Subsequently, it was confirmed that my disease belongs to oncology and is simply called cancer. That surgery in my body was generally contraindicated for him, as it can aggravate the situation, causing a rapid growth of metastases. It turned out that, in a hurry, the surgeon made a medical error. And instead of the supposed fatty tumor, which had grown rapidly over the past month and a half and caused severe headaches, he removed the oncological tumor. Before the operation, the very word "cancer", as well as the suspicion of this disease in myself, terrified me. But after what happened to me THERE, the illness of the body, which had previously caused inhuman despair, ceased to be terrible for me. The sickness of the soul was what made me feel and made me shudder at the thought of its consequences. The realization that the illness of the body is only a reflection of the illness of the soul changed my attitude to life. At some point, I was struck by the secret similarity in the sound of two words - "cancer" and "sin". Sin is a cancerous tumor of the soul, I realized, and if sin is not avoided in time, it can completely take possession of the soul and lead it to destruction. Then the death of the body will be only a consequence of the death of the soul. I don't know what would have happened to me if I hadn't cleansed my soul with repentance before the operation. I'm even scared to think about the likely outcome. I suspect that, burdened with many sins, my soul could not rise up. Rather, she would have been doomed to fall into the abyss... Some acquaintances now look at me as if I were a doomed patient, trying to hide their sympathy. But I myself know that it was with this illness that my true healing began, the healing of my sick soul, stricken with the tumor of sinfulness. And I realized that this operation was more on the soul than on the body. It was as if they had removed the heavy, oppressive shutter that separated me from God. Although the doctor made a mistake, I do not think of being annoyed about it, or even more so of scolding him, because I believe that everything happened with the highest permission. And I am very grateful to the Almighty for everything. Sometimes I wondered why I was honored with such a favor. For what such merits was I granted to experience all this? And I did not find an answer to this question, remembering that my whole life was only a crime against God. And I think that only the intercession of my deeply religious ancestors saved me from the pernicious abyss, at the edge of which I stood so close all my irrational life. Yes, only their strong prayer before the Lord for an unreasonable perishing child could have performed such miracles with me, a desperate sinner. And the prayer for me, I think, was strong, since all my ancestors, both on my mother's and father's side, turned out to be priests. The suffering death of one of them, Archpriest Alexis Porfiriev, is described in the recently published two-volume book by Hieromonk Damascene (Orlovsky) "Martyrs, Confessors and Ascetics of Piety of the Russian Orthodox Church of the 20th Century." I learned all this when I came to faith and began to take a keen interest in who my relatives were, because I vaguely remembered that as a child I accidentally heard from a conversation of adults that my great-grandfather was a priest. Later I learned from archival data that he was a very respected archpriest in Nizhny Novgorod. The surviving relatives, having in their families well-known ministers of the Orthodox Church who paid with their lives, carefully concealed from us, children, the whole truth, sometimes very terrible, since they lived in incredibly difficult conditions of persecution. For all things be glory to our Lord, both now and ever, and unto the ages of ages. Amen. (The story of a resident of St. Petersburg Natalia Sedova." Lampada", supplement to the Orthodox newspaper "Blagovest", Samara, No 1, 1998)