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When I was preoccupied with where to direct my steps in life after completing my course at the seminary, whether to be a priest or to choose the monastic way of life, I dared to write a letter to Father John of Kronstadt, whom I had never known personally until that time and had never seen. I had little hope of receiving an answer, knowing that Father John was burdened with incredible pastoral labor, and I relied only on his prayer. And what was my happiness when I received from the holy pastor a kind answer to choose the monastic way of life. Until now, inconstancy had possessed me, and somehow I had been unlucky, but after the letter, or rather at the moment of reading the letter, I was seized with trembling and determination. I began to bother about monasticism, and all the previous obstacles were dispelled.

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You love when everything in nature is beautiful and beautiful, you love the fragrance of fields and forests, you do not tolerate dirt, but strive for cleanliness and neatness, which comforts you, refreshes you and pleases you. The same applies to our internal state. Love the purity of the soul and strive for it in every possible way; This purity will fill the house of your soul with ineffable joy and heavenly fragrance.

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"The goal of the Christian life," said St. Seraphim in a conversation with N.A. Motovilov[39], "is the acquisition of the Holy Spirit in our hearts." "And how can I discern that I am in the grace of the Holy Spirit, and when I am filled with the spirit of flattery (cf. 1 Tim. 4:1), the delusion of demons?" Motovilov asked further. Venerable Seraphim, having prayed that the Holy Spirit would illumine his interlocutor, pointed out that the Spirit of God, filling our hearts, establishes silence and peace there, pours through all our veins an extraordinary sweetness, fills us with ineffable joy, brings purity into the soul and pours out the fragrance felt around us. But the actions of the demons against us are rebellious, obstinate, and filled with carnal lust, lust of the eyes, and the pride of life. True, there is, as it were, a certain sweetness during the demonic delusion, but this sweetness is bloody, it comes from the movement of flesh and blood in us; This sweetness must be avoided in every possible way, for it develops in us the passion of fornication.

***

Oh, how good it would be if you made it a rule to devote every day, at least a few minutes, to thinking about your inner state, to contrition and weeping over your sins. You have enough time for everything: for the toilet, and for a walk, and for food, and for entertainment, but you will not choose time for this. And yet, how important it is for the soul! Imagine: today you have finally secluded yourself and sighed to the Lord thus: "Lord, how weak I am! How many faults I have, how angry I am, how proud I am, how much vanity I have; How intemperate I am in my tongue, how much self-love I have, why do I treat my neighbors so rudely, and how many bad thoughts and desires do I have! How bad I am, how bad I am! I weep, Lord, for my sins and beg you to forgive and correct me, for I want to fulfill my human calling in my earthly life." So today you will come to your senses, tomorrow, etc., and what can come of it? Imperceptibly for yourself, you will begin to develop a balanced Christian nature, kind, truthful, loving God and people.

And is this not desirable, is it not the highest good of man?

***

The passion of vanity, as well as of pride, is all the more repugnant because it penetrates us, wherever we are, in whatever position we may be. Neither solitude, nor poverty, nor poverty save us from it, nor wealth, nor the fullness of power and honor protect us from it. To illustrate this, let us cite the following example, recorded by St. John Cassian. A certain elder, having come to the cell of a certain brother to visit him, heard that he was saying something inside, and paused, wishing to know what the brother was reading from the Holy Scriptures, or by memory what he was reading, how there is a custom among monks to do this at work. Putting his ear closer, the pious observer heard that the brother, as if in a church, was offering instruction to the people; this meant that he, deceived by the spirit of vanity, imagined himself to be a priest and fulfilled the task that lay dreamily on him. After waiting a little longer, the elder heard that the brother had finished his sermon, and, changing his position, as if already in the rank of deacon, he began to proclaim the litany: "Come forth ye catechumens."

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At times we are visited by a bad mood of spirit, a spirit of despondency. Just as the sky is now clear, now it is covered with clouds, so our soul is sometimes struck by despondency. In bad weather, we do not go outside, so that the rain does not pour down on us, we close the windows and doors, in order to protect our dwelling from destruction; so in times of despondency it is harmful to engage in mental work and to give room for the development of feelings, for despondency is an unhealthy, abnormal state of our spirit. And if so, what good can be expected from our mental and heart activity if it is carried out in times of despondency? It is necessary to survive, to wait out the surging darkness of the soul, and therefore, during despondency, stop serious work of the mind and heart and rather engage in physical labor, otherwise you will hurry to enjoy nature, or simply use the time of despondency for your bodily rest.

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