244. Man must consider himself the most sinful of all

Beloved in the Lord!

I am ashamed that I rarely write to you; but if my letters are unsatisfactory, then silence would be best.

I think that my present letter will hardly console you either. However, I dare to write.

Thanks be to the Lord! So you have reached the New Year. But it is sad to hear that the New Year has not brought you anything new and gratifying; for in the new year, as in the past, there are the same tormenting passions: despondency, melancholy, coldness towards all, contempt and contempt for all, murmuring for everything and blasphemy.

I am very sorry that you, reading the books of the Fathers, do not in the least nourish your soul with their spirit. St. Barsanuphius advises to have insanity, i.e. not to compare oneself with anyone, not in considering oneself wiser and more well-mannered, but in the fact that there is no one more sinful, stupid and intolerable than you. And St. Symeon the New Theologian in his 1st homily advises us to think not about our barony, but about insignificance, and always to say thus: Who am I, thinner? And how can I ascend to someone's cell? Will they not say to me: why has this vile proud woman come to defile my cell? And if you also loved to think of yourself in this way, then the Kingdom of God would not be far from you. At the beginning of my entry into the wilderness, like you, I myself had a most intolerable character, and my elder did not use anything to humble my stiff-neckedness; but nothing humbled my wretchedness so much as the annual cleansing of all the filthy latrines in the monastery several times, over the course of six years. And in addition to this, we were often sent with a basket along the roads to collect horse and cattle droppings to fertilize the gardens. And in the beginning, this holy obedience was not without grief and tears for me; But, finally, every year it became easier and easier. Thus, dear mother, without humility in spirit it is impossible to be saved; but humbly one cannot learn from words alone; practice is needed for someone to beat us and crush us, and beat out the fire, without which it is not easy to get into the Kingdom of God, which is acquired through many sorrows.

Perhaps this letter will seem like a Spanish fly to your sensitive heart; but for God's sake, do not cry out, for this is not written out of anger, but with a good thought, so as not to weaken the malignancy nestling in the heart. And after her, as an unskilled physician (i.e., a liar), I humbly ask for your merciful forgiveness, and permission, and holy prayers, in the hope of which I remain forever, with my love for you and with reverence, your benevolent worshiper and most humble servant, the many-sinned J. Anthony.

January 20, 1853

245. A change of monastery can also serve for good

Beloved in the risen Christ our Saviour, my spiritual child.

God-loving and venerable in the Nuns M. M! Truly Christ is risen!

First of all, through these scanty lines, I offer you heartfelt thanks for all your writings, as well as for the last one written on May 2, having read which, and seeing from it your severe sufferings in soul and body, I heartily regretted it, and asked the Lord God for your help and admonition. I have previously instructed you to read a few lines in the book "On the Imitation of Jesus Christ", and even earlier in the book of St. Isaac the Syrian the 20th word; but you did not answer me anything to it, as if the Saints did not write for us. For this reason, rather than always suffering, and never getting married, I approve of your good idea of moving to another monastery; and, probably, I believe that the new place will most calm you, and enlighten you, and teach you patience and humility, without which it is impossible for anyone to be saved. Meanwhile, I will tell you that only those who are humble in heart enjoy peace of mind! However, even they are sometimes not free from sorrows; but they endure their sorrows magnanimously, not reproaching anyone for anything but themselves, saying: "It is good for me, Lord, for Thou hast humbled me, and I am worthy of no rest for my sins." And humble people, who are not satisfied with anything, murmur against everyone and mentally, and sometimes pronouncedly, reproach and condemn everyone, therefore salvation is far from such sinful people!

And so, may the Lord God fulfill your long-standing desire, and may He hasten to fulfill it; and to this end, may he dispose your good relatives to provide you with sufficient means of support; for in regular monasteries one must have a lot of money, that is, one must hire a cell for oneself, and buy firewood and food, and have clothes and shoes and lighting from oneself, and in addition to this one must also have hired servants. Therefore, I advise you to think about all this in advance. I wanted to write all this paper to you, but the incessant visitors take up a lot of my time, and it is also unreliable to postpone the letter until another free time; moreover, with my slowness in answering, I can tire you to the point of exhaustion, and therefore be satisfied with how much is written.

On the occasion of my meeting with my kind parents and with my dear brothers and sisters, I ask you to testify to them my high reverence and love for Christ Jesus and to declare that I love and remember all of them, and rejoice when they are doing well, and when they go astray, I regret it!