2/I 77

I haven't written for a long time, so as not to bother you (a lot was written before), and during this time I have received 2 beautiful letters from you – about the joy of Presence and Grace and a detailed answer to my questions, for which I am infinitely grateful to you! When I think about everything (we have now agreed on a lot), I am tormented by two more things: one is that nowhere in my memories of my father is there a miracle of our first "conference" (as they were then called) in Psherov. Somewhere Sizel describes another, already in France, and writes "la grace de Dieu était tangible" (I have not been to this one), and these words are most applicable to Psherovskaya, but it is very difficult for me to describe her. I only remember that at that time we also compared our experiences with the "Transfiguration", and were so shocked by everything that happened that we fell asleep, and compared ourselves to the apostles on the icon of the Transfiguration. We were very, very young then. This was the first "conference". Fr. Vasily, then still "Vasily Vasilyevich," I remember, said: "If none of you describes this, it means that "you are not fodder for the horse." But no one has described it. And it is difficult to determine what exactly to describe? There was a liturgy, of course, the main thing; There was an atmosphere. No separate facts! It was back in the Czech Republic, before moving to France, my father was in a white cassock, and I can't remember what happened. I'll talk to my sister again. And there is no one else with ... m. Bl. Died. I'll write to someone else. And the second thing that torments me, and will torment me to death, I can only tell you personally, God willing, we will see each other again. I said this to Fr. Andrei at one time, but he somehow did not understand me.  -------------- 

About reading the Manual – which I am now reading and re-reading and trying to apply ("I leave the Appendix without application for now, m. b. (?) is it not for me?)

Most of all it hurts me – "spiritual reflections", I think that for me, deprived of church services, which used to "nourish" me very much when I had ears, this is especially important. A question for me (I try to deal with them a little as much as I can): it is said that "spiritual reflection helps deep prayer." And then, nothing is said about the latter. Where does it belong? Or is it simply that the first chapter (the prayer) gradually becomes a profound prayer? Or should we allocate a special place for it in the middle of the day? I catch myself that in part the first (= prayer) is often done more and more "meditatively" little by little. In general, I am ashamed that with my capabilities (constant loneliness and silence) I have a certain "disorder", although at the same time too much order repels me, and I am afraid – to do everything according to the rules, so in gestures – there is an involuntary, almost childish, gesture of hands, which even you do, and I love it very much – it is natural, and "fortunately" there is not a word about it in the manual (when they fold their hands in front of them, almost under the chin). I don't want too much "science" about prayer, but I'm also very dissatisfied with my disorder. And I keep fussing and postponing prayer.. And how far I am from having the Lord and I, and not me and the Lord, as you told me in our first conversation.

I do not fast about fasting, and I do not feel any sin in it, although perhaps by this I distance myself from grace. But this is partly why it works: my neighbors often treat me. One of them is a party member, although it does not suit her at all, a modest, quiet woman, but a lawyer, and she does it from a kind heart and because she "gives moral pleasure to please others." I cannot refuse this, because for her, obviously, this is some kind of unconscious contact with the central n[68], although consciously she resists Him. And here you even have to eat meat! The other is partly also (she is consciously morally freer and closer to the kingdom of heaven, and with her I often have discussions – with the first a little, often not necessary, and difficult – there is stiffness), partly gratitude for some trifles of my services. I do not want and cannot change this. So far.  -------------- 

About the Jesus Prayer – I read not "me", but "us", and I always want to "about someone", and not just by myself. Incorrectly?

A very interesting person began to visit my wilderness from time to time, perhaps you have heard his tragic story. In some ways it is very narrow, in some places it is very wide. He's a "defroque" – you know that term?

As for Teilhard's translation, you are right: it turned sour and, having tormented us with assurances that no one needed it, somehow cut everything short and shortened. Well, God be with her! Perhaps someone else will help you—I can't ask her to do that any more. I have just given her "Jesus"—no, the second—I don't remember exactly—"Le visage de lumieère"[69] or something of the sort, the author is "un moine de l'Eglise d'Orient"[70] A beautiful thing, but she is always sick and mopey, and things move very slowly. I was tormented with her in general, but now I hope that my défroqué will help me "instruct" her, for some reason (partly deafness) I am not authoritative for her. Once again, I thank you very, very much for your wonderful letters. As far as I remember, you are right that for my father, the attainment of the Eucharist was higher than the dignity or unworthiness of a minister. But at the same time, I remember that somehow this question was not raised sharply at that time. I myself now try with all the strength of my faith not to put one above the other, and I rely on you in this. In general, it's strange: everything was the same (then), and everything is somehow different, there is some great wealth in it!

God bless you!

 s. I.

I hope you don't forget to mention your namesake - according to your sister, he is "trying", even if only out of vanity.  ----------- 

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Dear Yulia Nikolaevna!

Have you received Part II? V. Y.'s memoirs[71] — I'll send it in a few days. And I ask for another Savior.