79. TO V. A. ZHUKOVSKY.

Naples. November 24 <n. st. 1846>

I hasten to inform, my precious friend, in a few lines[403] about myself. I arrived safely at Naples, which was like a beautiful crossroads for me all the way. My soul is so quiet and bright that I do not know whom to thank for it; Who prayed to God for this state of mind with his pure prayers? Oh, may his whole life be as bright as these moments are for me! Naples is beautiful, but I feel that it would never have seemed so beautiful to me if God had not prepared my soul to receive the impression of its beauty. I was in it ten years ago, and admired it coldly. During all my former stay in Rome, I was never drawn to Naples; I came to Rome every time as if to my own country. But now, during my passage through Rome, nothing in it occupied me, not even the remarkable manifestation of the general popular enthusiasm for the present truly worthy pope. I passed it as I passed a road[404] station; my sense of smell did not even feel that sweet air with which I was so pleasantly greeted every time I entered it; [405] On the contrary, my nerves heard the touch of cold and dampness. But as soon as I arrived in Naples, my whole body felt the warmth I desired, my nerves subsided, which, as you know, others are still irritated by Naples. I took refuge with Sophia Petrovna Apraksina, who, perhaps, was also inspired by God to invite me to Naples and prepare an apartment for her. Without this, knowing that I would have to live in an inn and not have people near me who were dear to my soul, I might not have come. My soul, still weak, not yet as well established for the work of life, needs the closeness of beautiful people in order to become prettier from them. In Rome I met Bludov at Mass in our church, to whom, of course, I approached at the same time. He has aged a little, but I liked his current expression very much: there is something pleasant and blissful about him. He received me very warmly. Unfortunately, I did not find him at home, when I visited him the next day, and I can say nothing more about him. For the time being, it seemed to me, he was pleased with his affairs and with his father, whom he spoke of with great respect. At the post office I found a letter sent to me from Frankfort, on the envelope of which a pen familiar to me, having crossed out all the previous lines, had inscribed my name very clearly, together with the words poste restante, so that the beautiful owner of it himself suddenly appeared in my thoughts. I have not yet received a single letter from St. Petersburg, and I have no news of it. But that doesn't bother me. My soul looks brightly ahead. Everything will be as God wills; therefore, everything will be fine. One thing may happen, apparently transverse to my affairs: that is, that this delayed appearance of my book may postpone my departure to the holy places a little further. But if this really happens, it means that it is God's will, and that it must be so. I had never before thought of undertaking this journey obstinately and of my own free will, but to await the indications of God, which I recognize in the course of all the circumstances that are conducive to it, and in the removal of all obstacles. I had never thought of going on such a journey otherwise than in the company of at least a few people close to my heart. Not because I am afraid of any dangers in strange lands, but because I am still weak in spirit, I cannot yet do without the help of people, I do not yet have the strength to ascend to God alone and live, following the example of the righteous, in direct conversation with Him. Finally, I consider the growth of the very desire to go to be an indication of God. I believe that when the rightful time and hour to embark on board the ship arrives, this desire will grow in such intensity that I will not feel myself when I go on deck, I will not feel myself how I will be carried like an inanimate ship, obedient to the favorable breeze of the animate heavenly breath. And then I must sit by the sea and wait patiently for the weather, looking closely and listening to everything that is being done, and questioning every moment both my own mind and all the strength and abilities given to me by God. But... My beautiful brother, until the next letter. I hug all of you as close and dear to my heart.

G.

My address is: Palazzo Ferandini; However, you can also simply: poste restante.

On the reverse: Francfort sur Mein. Son excellence monsieur Basile de Joukoffsky. Francfort s/M. Saxenhausen. Salzwedelsgarten vor dem Schaumeinthor.

Smirnova A. O., November 24, 1846*

80. A. O. SMIRNOVA.

Naples. November 24 <n. st. 1846>

At last I have a letter from you, my friend Alexandra Osipovna! Great is God! That which was in your affliction will be turned into joy for you. Look brightly ahead: everything will be fine. God will arrange everything as best and as it should. If you were quite healthy, I would need you now in Petersburg, but your health, which is not yet fully strengthened, has compelled you to remain in Kaluga, and therefore this is a sure sign that I will need you even more inside Russia than in Petersburg. As for myself, I will say that my health, whether through your prayers or, perhaps, through the common friendly combination of the prayers of many people pleasing to God, who all the time prayed for me tirelessly, has recovered unexpectedly, completely contrary to the expectations[409] of even experienced doctors. I was too stupid to hide it from me. I was told that it was possible to prolong my life for a while, but there was no hope of much improvement in my health. And instead of that, I came to life, my spirit, and everything in me was refreshed. In front of me is beautiful Naples and the air is soothing and quiet. Here I stopped as if at some beautiful crossroads, waiting for a fair wind of God's will for my departure to the Holy Land. In this departure I am guided<s> by God's command, and I do not want to do anything of my own free will. And therefore I look at the arrangement of all the circumstances that contribute to this. This journey was intended to be undertaken in such a way that I would be able to do all that was necessary to set out on the road with a clear conscience. It was supposed to take place in no other way than in the community of people close to my soul and heart; I am not yet strong enough in spirit to be able to embark on such a journey alone. My soul is still weak and cannot pray as it would like to pray without the help of others. Now the delays of various kinds in connection with the printing of the book and my affairs in general in Petersburg stop the arrangement of all the circumstances conducive to the journey. Therefore, it is God's will that I postpone my departure for a while. All those people who also wanted to go this year have experienced various unforeseen delays*. Consequently, it is not yet God's will that I should go up on the road. As I look inside myself, I see that I am far from ready for this journey. I have not done much, much more, without which I will not be able to pray properly. My journey is not a simple worship. My journey is to ask for God's blessing<> for my feats in life, for those deeds and feats for which I have been given abilities by Him, which I should not have shown for the time being, but should have cultivated in myself first. A schoolboy, who has studied better than others, is still timid, thinking about the exam and the upcoming graduation; How can a schoolboy not be timid who feels that he has not yet studied negligently? But let God's will be done in everything! I don't know anything yet whether I'm going or not going this winter. But I do not waver in spirit, preparing to meet brightly everything that God's will determines for me. In Naples I am by the sea and waiting for the weather; stayed under the roof of Sofia Petrovna Apraksina. On the letters, put the Palazzo Ferandini or still poste restante.

All your G.

For God's sake, do not leave me notified< > of all that is done to you, even small fragments from the diary of your life!

On the back: Kalouga. Russie. To Her Excellency Alexandra Osipovna Smirnova. In Kaluga.