Such parental behavior unconsciously acquires elements of egoism for the parents themselves: "We want to form the child in our own image, because he is the continuer of our life..."

The child is deprived of the necessary independence, the perception of his inherent inclinations and formed personal qualities is distorted. Usually, the capabilities, interests, and abilities of the child, which are different from those associated with programmed goals, are not taken into account. The child is faced with a choice. He can squeeze himself into the framework of parental ideals that are alien to him only in order to ensure for himself the love and satisfaction of his parents. In this case, he will follow the wrong path that does not correspond to his personality and abilities, which often ends in a complete fiasco. But the child can also rebel against demands that are alien to him, thereby causing the parents to be disappointed because of unfulfilled hopes, and as a result, deep conflicts arise in the relationship between the child and the parents.

Education as the implementation of a certain system. The organization of education in the family according to a certain system can be considered a variant of realizing the need for achievement.

There are families where the goals of upbringing seem to be moved away from the child himself and are directed not so much to the child as to the implementation of the system of upbringing recognized by the parents. These are usually very competent, erudite parents who devote a lot of time and care to their children. Having become acquainted with any educational system and, for various reasons, trusting it, parents pedantically and purposefully proceed to its tireless implementation.

It is even possible to trace the history of the formation of such educational goals, which often arise as a tribute to a certain fashion for education. Some parents follow the ideas of the educational provisions of the Nikitin family, advocating the need for early intellectual education, or the call: "Swim before walking"; In other families, there is an atmosphere of complete forgiveness and permissiveness, which, in the opinion of parents, implements the Spokian model of upbringing.

Undoubtedly, each of these educational systems has its own valuable findings, a lot of useful and important things. Here we are only talking about the fact that some parents follow certain ideas and methods of education too obediently, without sufficient criticism, forgetting that it is not a child for upbringing, but upbringing for the child. It is interesting that parents who follow the type of "implementation of the system" are internally similar, they are united by one common feature – relative inattention to the individuality of the mental world of their child. It is characteristic that in essays on the topic "Portrait of my child" such parents imperceptibly do not so much describe the character, tastes, habits of their children, as they describe in detail how they raise the child.

Education as the formation of certain qualities. The problems of independence are also exacerbated in cases where upbringing is subordinated to the motive of forming a certain quality desirable for parents.

Under the influence of past experience, the history of the development of a person's personality, the so-called super-valuable ideas can appear in his consciousness. They can be ideas about a particular human quality as the most valuable, necessary, and helping in life. In these cases, the parent builds his upbringing so that the child is necessarily endowed with this "especially valuable" quality. For example, parents are sure that their son or daughter must be kind, erudite or brave.

In cases where the values of parents begin to contradict either the age characteristics of the child's development or the inherent individual characteristics, the problem of independence becomes especially obvious.

A typical and vivid example is a situation when a passion for sports leads to the fact that spouses make plans for joint family hikes, yachting, skiing, not noticing that in their dreams of a future child they still see a boy... A girl is born. But education is built according to a pre-programmed super-valuable pattern. The emphasized masculine style of clothing, the abundance of sports exercises, somewhat unnecessary for a girl, a skeptical, mocking attitude to games with dolls and even a joking, seemingly affectionate nickname Tomboy are also masculine. All this can lead to negative consequences in mental development and even cause a serious illness in a child. There is a double danger here. Firstly, a girl may form features of the opposite sex that prevent correct and timely gender identification, in other words, the awareness of herself as a future woman may be distorted. Secondly, by imposing on the child qualities that are not inherent in him, parents seem to convince him that the child is not needed as he is, and emphasize their rejection. And this is the most unacceptable, the most dangerous style of attitude towards the child's mental health.

We also have to meet with another type of realization of super-valuable ideals of upbringing. I remember the following incident. The mother of a ten-year-old boy turned to a psychological consultation with complaints of increasing stuttering, which arose in her son for the first time at the age of five. In classes with a child in a play group, it was found that stuttering is the most noticeable, but a particular, verbal manifestation of a more general feature of the child. He has developed a habit of delaying any response. It turned out that the boy gave an effective or verbal answer to any question or behavior of his partners in the game after a long pause. There was no doubt about the difficulty of understanding the question or situation. The boy studied well, played the violin, read a lot, coped with all the tests for ingenuity. And yet, in communication, any responsible signal was accompanied by a delay. Gradually, it became clear that the reason lies in the way the mother realized the consciously accepted, especially significant goals of upbringing for her. It proceeded from the principles of universal kindness, forgiveness, the impossibility of inflicting pain, and "non-resistance to evil," which were quite attractive from the point of view of morality. From the very first days of life, such principles, which for the child turned into all kinds of restrictions on his activity, accompanied every step, every action of the baby. It was impossible to accidentally break off a branch - after all, it also feels, to step on a bug - this means to hurt, to break a glass - this is the creation of someone's good hands. Well, when the time came for childish skirmishes and fights, my mother intensified her influence. Once and for all, a ban was imposed on retaliatory slap, push or blow. If they took a toy from you - give it back, pushed - in no case respond in kind, if you were not accepted into the game - move away. Thus, from a very early age, from the "basics of communication", the boy was forced – and he loved his mother very much, trusted her – to restrain the first, immediate reaction and only then, after delay and inhibition, to show a response in accordance with the instilled demands. This is how this feature of behavior arose, and then fixed, became the main cause of stuttering.

In this example, the behavioral disorder arose as a consequence of the implementation of super-valuable parental requirements without taking into account the peculiarities of the stage of development and the age capabilities of the child.

As can be seen from the above examples, the granting of a certain measure of independence to a child, a shorter or longer distance is determined by the motives that prompt and "comprehend" upbringing.

It turned out that if the only or main motive for upbringing is the need for emotional contact, or the need for achievement, or the need for the meaning of life, upbringing is carried out at a shortened distance and the child is limited in his independence. In the implementation of a certain system of upbringing, when the motive of upbringing is as if moved away from the child, the distance can be any, this is determined not so much by the personal attitudes of parents or the characteristics of children, as by the recommendations of the chosen system. But the problem of independence is clearly manifested here as well. It looks like a problem of the child's lack of freedom in the manifestation of his inherent individual qualities. In the same way, the super-valuable motives of parents regulating upbringing limit the freedom of development of the child's inherent inclinations, complicate development, disrupting its harmony, and sometimes distorting its course.