Of course, the contribution that the husband makes to the care of a small child is purely individual for each family, and there is no clear range of functions, the division of which would be mandatory. But nevertheless, for the successful functioning of the family, this problem must be unequivocally solved. As scientific research shows, families in which the manifestations of the crisis were least pronounced were characterized in terms of role by at least two features: 1) in these families, even before the birth of the child or in the first days of his appearance in the house, the spheres of responsibilities that each of them performed were clearly agreed between the spouses, so that later there could be no mutual accusations and resentments in this regard; 2) fathers in these families occupied one of two fairly well-defined positions: either, which was much rarer, the husband played an absolutely traditional role in the family, i.e., he did not actually take any part in caring for the baby, but fully and at the highest possible level ensured the material well-being of the family, or he took an almost equal part in the care of the baby, based on the principles of equality of male and female responsibilities in relation to the child. This means that all conflicts and problems related to the distribution of family roles can be resolved if both spouses have clear ideas in advance about how and what the other will do, and in the future they will be implemented.

Another problem that young parents face is a sharp decrease in free time, especially spent together. If earlier they went to the cinema, theaters, and visits together, now if one of them manages to escape somewhere in their free time, then they often have to do it alone, since one of the spouses must stay with the child, especially if there are no parents or relatives who can replace them for a while. It happens that it is difficult for a young couple to come to terms with the forced division of responsibilities, and even more so entertainment. But, as surveys of parents of young children show, if "fairness" is observed from the point of view of both spouses, such a distribution of entertainment contributes to the fact that spouses do not feel isolated from other people and from life in general. Of course, such shift duty is possible only if both spouses trust each other.

Of course, the problems and conflicts of the family can be overcome only if one important condition is met – the husband and wife must constantly communicate openly and confidentially with each other, discuss all their problems and doubts. After all, how easily the family will solve these natural difficulties depends on how successfully they will be able to do this. Thus, in the first months of a baby's life, conversations about the child sharply prevail over all others. This period is not particularly long, after 3-4 months the husband and wife "get tired" of talking only about the child. Now it is necessary to "remember" everything that worried them before, to establish a mutual exchange of views on any issue not directly related to the baby.

In order for interpersonal communication between parents to be successful, do not forget that the right time and place where it takes place are of great importance for a good mutual conversation. This means that serious and important issues should not be resolved on the run and in a hurry. In order for the interpersonal contacts of the spouses not to lose their importance for them, they should try to talk to each other every day, talk about how the day went, share their own thoughts and impressions. It is good if this can be done in a calm and rather intimate atmosphere, when the most important things planned for the day are redone, and the child is asleep.

A. Y. Varga

Psychological contact between the child and the mother

Independence from birth is the main psychological law of proper upbringing, experts say. Probably, many readers will be surprised by this, because the newborn is completely helpless. If you deprive him of special care, if you do not comply with the requirements of proper feeding, his health and even existence can be irreparably damaged. All this is true. But no less important is the fact that even with ideal care, children deprived of psychologically correct relationships with loved ones received irreparable mental traumas, the echoes of which were then traced throughout their lives, and their physical health turned out to be not so strong.

In the first year of life, the child is closely, directly connected with his parents, primarily with his mother, but with a special, psychological connection. The strengthening and correct implementation of this connection depends on how successfully the parents solve the problem of independence and self-sufficiency of the child. There is no contradiction here. Indeed, the leading need of a child at this age is the need for communication with an adult, purely emotional communication, since our child is not yet ready for the exchange of information. This need should not be ignored in any case, it should not be neglected either for the sake of health or for the sake of physical development. Psychologists and doctors know many cases when the mental development of a child is distorted if he does not communicate enough with his mother. This is especially evident if the child is forced to be separated from his mother, for example, when he is hospitalized before the age of one year. In this case, many babies develop the so-called phenomena of hospitalism: at first, they become tearful, sad, fearful, when they try to communicate, they desperately cling to an adult, demanding attention. If the separation is repeated, the child's withdrawal into himself is aggravated: the baby stops playing, lies in bed, turned away, on his stomach. The child seems to become numb, he sits or lies motionless for many hours, with his eyes wide open, as if he does not perceive his surroundings. Communication with the child becomes more and more difficult and, finally, impossible. The mental and physical development of the child slows down sharply, his sleep is disturbed, he loses weight, the body's resistance to all kinds of infections decreases. For the occurrence of these phenomena, one to two months of separation from the mother is enough.

We have described an extreme variant of infant developmental disorders that occur during prolonged separation from close adults. Disorders of the mental development of an infant of this type, although less pronounced, can also be in the family - in the presence of both mom and dad. This happens in cases when parents do not take much care of the child, rarely take him in their arms, caress him little, talk little. A harsh mother who believes that the time spent with the child is wasted, who is sure that the child should grow on his own and not interfere with the life of his parents, thereby slows down the pace of her child's development: he will grow up less intelligent than he could, less cheerful, less inquisitive. Often such children later acquire the so-called bad character - stubbornness, harmfulness, aggressiveness or lack of initiative, gloom, depression. The lack of maternal love and attention in the first year affects then for many years.

In order to prevent this from happening, the right distance must be established between parents and the child from birth. Often parents do not have a correct idea of where their life ends and they themselves and the life of the child and the child begins. This is understandable: until the child is born, there can be no question of his own life - he is one with his mother. Having been born, he also does not acquire any independence at first glance. The baby is so helpless physically that without continuous care and care, he will simply die. With his physical helplessness, he misleads his parents. They believe that the infant is as mentally immature as physically. In fact, this is not true. The child is not yet able to turn from side to side, but is already comprehending and accumulating experience of communicating with dad and mom. When it seems to parents that the child has finally grown up so much that it is possible to communicate with him, they are faced with a fairly mature psyche, with love and affection that has formed in the child's soul, with grievances that the child cannot yet talk about, with a whole system of expectations. A baby is not a white paper on which parents write any "texts". Each baby has a bright individuality, which must be taken into account if mom and dad want to be friends with him and not destroy the love and devotion that the child initially has for them. Two rules of attitude towards the baby will help to develop the right psychological distance in communication with the baby.

The first rule: "A child is a guest in the house. It can be loved and respected, but it cannot be ruled over, because it belongs to life" – this rule was formulated by the people who stood at the origins of world culture. The Hindus recorded this in their ancient books – the Vedas – long before our era. This rule is a loving, respectful and at the same time detached attitude towards the child.

The second rule was born in psychology already in our century: "A baby did not come into this world to meet the expectations of his parents." Each child brings to the world his own goals, his tasks, he must go his own way. Parents can help him reveal his individuality, his capabilities, and assert the uniqueness of his personality. This task must be set before oneself now, when the child has just been born, precisely because he is much more developed mentally than it may seem. Consequently, he is a more complete partner in communication than it seems at first glance.

A happy, balanced mother is a healthy, joyful baby. Having clearly realized that the child is a separate person who does not belong to the parents from the moment the umbilical cord is cut, parents, firstly, will be able to look at the child impartially, discover the features of his individuality, accept them as they are, and adapt to the child, and not break him for their own sake. Secondly, the right psychological distance will help to avoid the phenomenon of contagion, i.e. it will help parents to control their behavior, understanding that the child is not just an extension of the parent, but a separate person who actively perceives the world. Thus, by separating the child from himself, giving him the status of independence, the parent will be able to responsibly control his behavior. The child is all attuned to the wave of parents. His main task is to feel them as fully as possible. This property was born in the process of natural selection — without it, people could not survive. This means that the child is hypersusceptible to the influence of parents, in particular the mother. To what influences? First of all, touch, affection. An infant does not understand speech, but only feels the tone of voice, intonation, and the pace of speech, i.e., he perceives exactly what adults are least accustomed to control. So, meaningful language for a child is the language of gestures and touch, the language of tone of voice and smile.

The baby needs the affectionate touches of the mother, the warmth of her hands, calm, unhurried movements, the strength and confidence of the palms. If the mother is tired, upset, anxious, her hands betray her condition. Touches become sharp, inaccurate, uncertain. They generate a state of discomfort and anxiety in the baby, the child becomes restless and tearful, which further complicates the life of the mother, strengthens her bad disposition. The circle is closed. And only an adult, i.e. again the mother, can open it. She should feel good. When she feels good, so does her child.