I have already said that two months after me the fathers from our wilderness went to this holy man. They told the following about their meeting with him: "When we arrived, the blessed one greeted us, addressing each of us with a cheerful face, and we first of all asked him to pray for us (such is the custom of all Egyptian fathers). Then he asked if there were any of the clergy with us. When we answered that there was not, he, having examined everyone, learned that there was a cleric among us, but that he was hiding. (There was indeed a deacon with us, but no one knew about it, except his brother, whom he, out of humility, forbade to speak about it, considering himself in comparison with such saints hardly worthy of the name of a Christian, not only of this rank.) Pointing to him with his hand, the monk said to all: "Here is the deacon." When he, wishing to conceal his calling, continued to deny it, the saint, taking him by the hand, kissed him from the window and, admonishing him, said: "Child! Do not reject the grace of God, and do not lie, denying the gift of Christ; a lie is alien to Christ and Christians, whether it will be told for a small or an important matter. Even if they tell a lie for a good purpose, it is not praiseworthy, for lies, according to the word of the Saviour, are of the devil (John 8:44)." The rebuked man was silent and accepted the gentle rebuke of the elder. When we had prayed, one of our companions, who had been suffering from a great fever for three days, began to ask the abba for healing. The abba said that this illness would serve for his own benefit and overtook him for his lack of faith, but at the same time he gave him oil and ordered him to anoint himself. When he did this, there followed an eruption through his mouth of everything that was inside, and the fever was completely gone, so that he went on his own feet to the inn."

Saint John was already ninety years old, and his body was so withered from asceticism, that even hair did not grow on his beard. His food consisted only of fruits, and he ate them after sunset. In such a very old age, after such a difficult life, he did not eat bread or anything else cooked on fire. When he ordered us to sit down, we thanked God for seeing this man. He received us as relatives, and with a cheerful look asked: "Where are you from, children? From what country did you come to a sinful man?" As soon as we announced our fatherland and said that we had come to it from Jerusalem for the benefit of our souls, in order to see with our eyes what we had heard (one can believe the ears less than the eyes: what we have heard is often forgotten, but the memory of what we have seen is not erased, and the event is as it were impressed in the soul), the blessed one answered us: "Why have you gone so far and exhausted yourselves, beloved children? What will you see here that is wonderful? You want to see humble and insignificant people, who are not worth looking at and in whom there is nothing special. There are those worthy of wonder and praise everywhere where God's prophets and apostles are read only in churches – they should be imitated. And I am very surprised at you and your diligence. How can you, having despised so many dangers, come to us for edification, while we, through laziness, do not want to leave our cave? But even now, although your work deserves praise, do not think that by doing this good deed you have done everything, but imitate the virtues of your fathers. If you have acquired all their virtues (which is rare), then you should not rely on yourself. Many fell from such self-confidence at a time when they were already at the very height of virtue.

See if you pray well, if the purity of your thought is not darkened, if your mind is not distracted during prayer by other worries, if some other thought has entered your soul, if it does not draw your attention to foreign objects. Does not the memory of any impure desires disturb your soul? See if your renunciation of the world is sincere, whether you have not come here to make use of our freedom, whether you do not seek vain glory in virtues, that you may only appear before men as imitators of our works. See to it that you are not disturbed by any passion, honor, glory and praise of people, or by feigned piety and self-love. Do not consider yourselves righteous, do not boast of righteousness. During prayer, do not be distracted by the remembrance of your relatives, nor by the feeling of compassion, nor by the thought of any other thing or of the whole world, otherwise your work will be vain when, during your conversation with the Lord, you will be carried away by thoughts that draw you in the opposite direction. Such a fall of the mind happens to everyone who has not completely renounced the world, but still tries to please it. His soul is distracted by a multitude of various carnal and earthly cares, and the mind, struggling with the passions, can no longer see God. And he should not zealously strive for the very knowledge of God, lest, being unworthy of such an acquisition, he be worthy of even a small part of it, and think of himself as if he had comprehended everything, and would not be subjected to complete destruction.

It is necessary to approach God with fear and gradually, in proportion to how much each person can move forward with his mind and as much as it is generally possible for a person. Whoever seeks God must have a heart free from all extraneous things, according to the Scriptures: "Be abolished, and understand that I am God" (Psalm 45:11). When he is vouchsafed to know God in part (no one can know Him completely), then along with this he receives knowledge of all other things: he sees mysteries, because God shows him, foresees the future, contemplates revelations on an equal footing with the saints, works miracles, becomes a friend of God, and receives from God everything that is asked."

John spoke much more about asceticism, and about the fact that death should be expected as a transition to a better life, and that one should not be too concerned about the infirmities of the flesh and fill the belly with whatever happens, for the satiated one has the same desires as the sensual. But one should try, he said, to acquire freedom from passionate desires through ascetic labors. No one should seek the comforts of life and peace, but must now endure distress and sorrows in order to inherit the breadth of the Kingdom of God. For through many tribulations, says the Scriptures, it behooves us to enter into the Kingdom of God (Acts 14:22); and again: ... For the narrow gate and the strait way lead into the belly, and there are few of them that find it. … For a broad gate and a broad way lead into destruction, and many are those who enter in it (Matt. 7:14, 13). As those who have to depart after a short life to eternal rest, we should not be much concerned with the things of the world. Likewise, he said, one should not be exalted by one's feats, but one should always humble oneself and withdraw into the deepest deserts, as soon as one notices a movement of pride in oneself. Life near villages often harmed perfect men. For this reason David, who experienced a similar temptation, says in the Psalm: Behold, he departed fleeing, and dwelt in the wilderness. I hope for God who saves me from faint-heartedness and from storm" (Psalm 54:8-9). Many of our brethren have been subjected to the same temptation and, out of vanity, have deviated from the goal.

Abba John's Tale of the Repentant Brother

In a certain city, said Abba John, there was a youth who had done very much evil and sinned grievously, who, however, by the mercy of God, was crushed for his many sins. He settled in a cave near the graves and wept over his former life. Throwing his face to the ground, he did not dare to utter a word of prayer, nor to pronounce the name of God, but before death he shut himself up in tombs and, considering himself unworthy of life and renouncing it, he only groaned from the depths of his heart. When he spent the week in this way, the demons rose up against him at night, the culprits of his former bad life, shouting and crying: "Where is this impious man, satiated with lust? He, now unfit for us, has appeared chaste and good, and wants to be a well-behaved Christian when he can't! Filled with our evil, what good do you expect for yourself? Will you not soon follow us from here to your usual business? Harlots and innkeepers await you – will you not go to enjoy the pleasures of voluptuousness, when all other hope is lost for you? Soon, of course, judgment will befall you, when you destroy yourself in this way. Why are you in a hurry to be tormented, wretched one? Why are you trying to speed up your execution?" And they said to him many other things, for example: "Thou art ours, united with us, doing all iniquity; Thou hast been submissive to us in all things, and now dare to forsake us? Why don't you answer? Won't you come with us?" But in the midst of incessant lamentations, he did not listen to them and did not answer them a word, no matter how much the demons attacked him. When, repeating this many times, they did not succeed in anything, they seized him and began to beat and tear his whole body severely, and having cruelly tortured him, they left him half-dead. Lying motionless where the demons had left him, he, however, immediately began his lamentations, as soon as he came to himself. Meanwhile, his relatives who were looking for him, having found him and learned by whom he had been so ulcered, wanted to take him home, but he would not consent, in spite of their repeated persuasions.

The next night the demons attack him with even greater ferocity than on the previous one. But even now his relatives could not persuade him to leave this place. It is better, he said, to die than to live in sinful impurities. On the third night, the demons beat him so severely that they almost took his life. But not having time to defeat him now, and leaving him breathless, they departed, and as they went away, they cried out: "You have conquered, you have conquered!" After that he no longer experienced such terrible temptations – on the contrary, until his very death he fearlessly lived in a cave by the graves, asceticizing in pure virtue, and was so glorified by God by signs and wonders, that in many he aroused wonder and zeal for good. Even very many of those who gave themselves over to despair began to perform good deeds and feats, and the word of the Scripture came to pass over them: ... whosoever humbles himself shall be exalted (Luke 18:14). And so, children, let us especially strive in humility: it is the foundation of all virtues. Very useful for us for this asceticism is the wilderness, which is more remote from the villages.

Another story of Abba John about the fallen and repentant

There was also another monk who lived in a distant wilderness and for many years asceticized in virtue. Finally, in his old age, he was tempted by demons. The ascetic loved silence and, spending his days in prayers, hymns and contemplation, he had several divine visions both in his waking state and in sleep. He had almost already attained a disembodied life: he did not cultivate the land, did not take care of sustenance, did not seek in plants and herbs food for his body, did not catch birds or other animals, but, filled with hope in God, since he passed from the world to the wilderness, he did not think in the least about how to nourish his body. Forgetting everything voluntarily, he directed all his desire to God in anticipation of the hour when he would be called from this world; but he was nourished most of all by the sweetness of visions and hopes. Meanwhile, his body did not weaken from exertion, and his soul did not lose vigor – such a firm habit he acquired in piety!

However, God, having mercy on him, at a certain time sent him bread for two or three days, which he ate. Every time he felt the need for food, he entered his cave, he found food there. After offering prayer to God, he strengthened himself with food and then delighted in hymns. Prayer and contemplation were his constant occupation. Thus he progressed every day, and, striving in the present, constantly became nearer to the expected future, and was almost certain of his best lot, as if he already had it in his hands, which was the reason why he almost fell from the temptation that befell him afterwards.

When he came to such a certainty, the thought crept imperceptibly into his heart that he was superior to others and that he knew and had more than other people. In such thoughts he began to rely on himself, and from this soon a carelessness was born in him, at first a little, then it grew more and more and became noticeable. He no longer rises from sleep with such vigor to sing, he has become lazier to pray, and his singing has not been so long; the soul wanted to rest, the mind fell down, and thoughts began to wander; Carelessness was already secretly loved, and only the former habit, like a bulwark, somewhat stopped the ascetic in this striving and guarded him for the time being. Even when he entered the cave in the evenings after the usual prayers, he sometimes found bread at the meal, sent to him from God, and ate it, but he did not banish from his mind those worthless thoughts, did not think that inattention destroys labor, and did not try to heal evil. A slight evasion of duties seemed to him unimportant. And so passionate lust, taking possession of his thoughts, drew him into the world. But he still restrained himself, and the next day he spent in his usual asceticism, and after prayer and hymns, entering the cave, he still found the bread prepared for him, though not so carefully prepared and clean as before, but with rubbish. He was surprised and somewhat saddened, but he ate it and strengthened himself. The third night came, and the evil was tripled.

His mind was even more quickly given over to lustful thoughts, and his imagination imagined impure dreams to him as vividly as if they were actually coming true. In spite of this, even on the third day he continued his ascetic labors – he prayed and sang psalms, but no longer with a pure disposition and often turned around and looked around. His good deed was interrupted by various thoughts. In the evening, feeling the need for food, he went up to the cave and, although he found bread at the meal, it was as if eaten by mice or dogs, and outside the cave there were dry remains. Then he begins to groan and weep, but not as much as was necessary to tame the impure lust. However, having tasted not as much as he wanted, he disposed to calm down. Then thoughts in great numbers attack him, conquer his mind and immediately draw the prisoner into the world. He left his wilderness and went to the village by night. The day came, and the village was still far away. The monk, scorched by the heat, became exhausted and began to look around him to see if there was a monastery in which he could rest. There was indeed a monastery nearby.

The pious and faithful brethren received him as their own father, washed his face and feet, and after prayer offered him a meal, asking him to accept with love what had happened. After the meal, the brethren besought him to teach them the word of salvation, how to avoid the snares of the devil and how to overcome impure thoughts. Conversing with them as a father with his children, he taught them to be courageous in their labors and assured them that they would soon turn into great pleasure for them. The elder also spoke to them a great deal of edifying things about asceticism. At the end of the instruction, he involuntarily thought of himself and began to reason about how he, while admonishing others, remained incomprehensible. Then he saw his defeat and immediately returned to the wilderness to mourn his fall. "If the Lord had not helped me," he said, "my soul would have dwelt in hell in a small way" (Ps. 93, 17); I was completely mired in evil, and did not die on earth (Psalm 118:87)." And the Scripture was fulfilled over him: "Brother from brother we help, as a city is strong" (Proverbs 18:19) and as a wall, immovable. From that time he wept all his life and, no longer receiving food from God, by his labors he obtained his sustenance. Shut up in a cave and having spread sackcloth on the floor, he did not rise from the ground until then and did not cease his weeping, until he heard the voice of an angel saying to him in a dream: "God has accepted your repentance and has had mercy on you; Just see that you don't flatter yourself. The brethren whom you have instructed will come to visit you, and they will bring you loaves of bread for blessing – share them with them and always thank God."