Intellect. The Word of God, the soul, solves our perplexity with the most satisfactory definition. But many of the people, having heard the Word of the Spirit and interpreted it to themselves with their carnal understanding, said of the life-giving Word of God: "This Word is cruel, and who can hear it?" (John 6:60) Hear, O soul, what the Lord has said: "He who gains his life shall destroy it: but whosoever destroys his life for my sake shall find it" (Matt. 10:39). He that loveth thy soul shall destroy it: and thou shalt hate thy soul in this world, and shall preserve it unto eternal life (John 12:25).

Soul. I am ready to die if God commands. But how can I, an immortal, die? I don't know the weapon that could take my life. Intellect. Do not think, soul, that the commandment of Christ commands you to die alone, that I am excluded from the sentence. No! I must share the cup of death with you and be the first to drink it, as the main culprit of our common fall, rejection, calamity, temporal and eternal death. Death and destruction, which God demands of us, do not consist in the destruction of our existence: they consist in the destruction of self-love, which has become, as it were, our life. Self-love is the distorted love of fallen man for himself. Self-love idolizes its fallen, falsely named mind, and tries to satisfy its fallen, falsely directed will in everything and constantly. Self-love is expressed in relation to one's neighbors either through hatred, or through man-pleasing, that is, by pleasing human passions, and towards the objects of the world, which it always abuses, through partiality. Just as holy Love is the bond of perfection (Col. 3:14) and is composed of the fullness of all virtues, so self-love is that sinful passion which is composed of the fullness of all other various sinful passions. In order to destroy self-love in us, I must reject all my understandings, even though I be very rich in understandings provided by the teaching of the world and according to the elements of the world (Col. 2:8). I must sink into poverty of spirit, and, stripped naked by this poverty, washed by weeping, stained, softened by meekness, purity, and mercy, accept the mind which the right hand of my Redeemer deigns to inscribe upon me. That right hand is the Gospel. And you, the soul, must renounce your will, no matter how painful it may be for the heart, even though the feelings and inclinations of your heart seem to you both the most righteous and the most elegant. Instead of your own will, you must fulfill the will of Christ our God and Savior, no matter how disgusting and cruel it may be for a self-loving heart. This is the death which God requires of us, so that by our voluntary death we may destroy the death that lives within us violently, and receive as a gift the resurrection and life that flow from the Lord Jesus.

Soul. I decide on self-denial: from the very words you uttered about self-denial, I have already begun to feel joy and consolation. Let us abandon life, which gives birth to hopelessness, and accept death, which is the pledge of salvation. Lead me, my mind, following the commandments of God, and yourself abide unswervingly in that Word which has proclaimed itself: "Whosoever abides in Me, and I in him, he shall bring forth much fruit: for without Me he can do nothing" (John 15:5). Amen.

SEEING YOUR SIN

That terrible time will come, that terrible hour will come, in which all my sins will appear naked before God the Judge, before His Angels, before all mankind. Sensing the state of my soul in this terrible hour, I am filled with horror. Under the influence of a vivid and strong premonition, with trembling I hasten to immerse myself in the examination of myself, I hasten to believe in the book of my conscience the sins noted by deed, word, and thought.

Books that have not been read for a long time, stagnant in the cabinets, are soaked in dust, moth-eaten. Whoever takes such a book encounters great difficulty in reading it. Such is my conscience. Not reviewed for a long time, it could hardly be opened. When I open it, I do not find the expected satisfaction. Only major sins are listed quite clearly; the small writings, of which there are many, have almost been erased, and now it is impossible to make out what was depicted by them.

God, God alone, can restore brightness to pale writings, and deliver man from an evil conscience (Hebrews 10:52). God alone can grant man the sight of his sins and the sight of his sin, his fall, in which is the root, the seed, the germ, the sum total of all human sins.

Calling upon the mercy and power of God for help, calling upon them for help with the warmest prayer, combined with prudent fasting, combined with weeping and weeping of the heart, I again open the book of conscience, again peer into the quantity and quality of my sins; I look closely at what the sins I have committed have brought about for me.

Вижу: Беззакония моя превзыдоша главу мою, яко бремя тяжкое отяготеша на мне, умножишася паче влас главы моея (Пс.37:5; 39:13). Какое последствие такой греховности? Постиго­ша мя беззакония моя и не возмогох зрети; сердце мое остави мя (Пс.39:13). Последствием греховной жизни бывают слепота ума, ожесточение, нечувствие сердца. Ум закоренелого грешника не видит ни добра, ни зла; сердце его теряет способность к духовным ощущениям. Если, оставя гре­ховную жизнь, этот человек обратится к благочестивым подвигам, то сердце его, как бы чужое, не сочувствует его стремлению к Богу.

Когда при действии Божественной благодати откро­ется подвижнику множество согрешений его: тогда невоз­можно, чтоб он не пришел в крайнее недоумение, не погрузился в глубокую печаль. Сердце мое смятеся от тако­го зрелища, остави мя сила моя, и свет очию моею, и той несть со мною: яко лядвия моя наполнишася поруганий, то есть деятельность моя исполнилась преткновений от на­выка к греху, влекущего насильно к новым согрешениям; возсмердеша и согниша раны моя от лица безумия моего, то есть греховные страсти состарились и страшно повре­дили меня по причине моей невнимательной жизни; несть исцеления в плоти моей, то есть, нет исцеления, при посредстве одних собственных моих усилий, для всего существа моего, пораженного и зараженного грехом (Пс.37:11,8,6,8).

Сознанием грехов моих, раскаянием в них, испове­данием их, сожалением о них повергаю все бесчислен­ное их множество в пучину милосердия Божия. Чтоб на будущее время остеречься от греха, присмотрюсь, уеди­нившись в самого себя, как действует против меня грех, как он приступает ко мне, что говорит мне.

Приступает он ко мне, как тать; прикрыто лицо его; умякнуша словеса его паче елея (Пс.54:22); говорит он мне ложь, предлагает беззаконие. Яд во устах его; язык его — смер­тоносное жало.

«Насладись! — тихо и льстиво шепчет он, — зачем запрещено тебе наслаждение? Насладись! Какой в том грех?» — и предлагает, злодей, нарушение заповеди все­святого Господа.