From your last letters, I see that in response to the proposal you made to your mother, you receive her tears, and consequently her disapproval; and by her order describe and present to me her and your situation, relying on my consideration. There is very great confidence on both sides in my frailty, and I truly consider myself unworthy to solve such a difficult situation for both of you in relation to God and to your neighbor. Everywhere I feel cramped: leave me unanswered? – it is necessary to grieve both of you; to plunge into despondency; answer decisively? – on both sides I am in fear and bewilderment. I forget my thinness, and look at your faith in God; I dare to call upon the Lord for help, and I answer you: it is terrible to anger God by not fulfilling the promise given to Him; it is also sorrowful to grieve the parent in relation to your duty to her! That is why it is difficult to resolve this perplexity. You no longer belong to the world, although you live in it, according to the vow you have made to God and the will of your heart: but even your mother's sorrow, for leaving her, will eat away at your heart, and so you are between two fires. It is necessary to choose a middle ground and, to the extent of one's ability and strength, with God's help, to observe both: to bring to God the beginnings of one's own will, and not to leave one's mother for the time being. How can this be reconciled with one another? "You are to give your mother pleasure and obedience, to stay with her for the time being, only for her, and not for the world, and not for the world; to change the costume, if not in the cut of the monastery, then in color, that is, to wear dark, modest and simple clothes; to abandon the departure into the world, as well as the reception of the worldly, since you no longer belong to the world; Do not leave home classes. If the world reproaches and hates you for this, do not be surprised at this, so it must be, according to the word of God: "If the world hates you, lead me, for you will hate Me before you. If you were of the world, the world would love its own: for you are of the world, but I have chosen you from the world, for this reason the world hates you" (John 15:18,19). You get used to patience, which will be needed everywhere; but do not forget about humility, which must be combined with every good deed, without which deeds will not benefit us, and even more so will harm us, which we see fulfilled in many. Although you fast, even though you pray, or give alms, beware of the thought that you are doing good, which the enemy is trying to bring, in order to destroy all the fruits and cut off your soul from God. It seems that your mother must agree to all of the above, so as not to be contrary to the will of God; otherwise, if your heart inclines to the world, it will give God no small answer. There is no excuse for not offering to God the sacrifice He demands. And is it any wonder that it will be God's will to deprive you of her completely, moving you away to the future – then what should be her repentance? But it was too late. "We do not argue about the possibility of salvation in the world; but to those who are called to this; the burden and yoke of the world are bearable to them; and whomsoever God chooses for another calling, and calls out of the world, He commands him to take up His good yoke and light burden, and to learn from Him, for He is meek and lowly in heart; and such a person is no longer at all suited to worldly rites and decency, and – as the sea sweeps away a dead man – so the world casts out such a person called by God, who does not agree with his customs, and does not love him; for the word of the Holy Apostle assures of this: "Those who desire to live a godly life shall be persecuted" (2 Timothy 3:12). Your mother grieves for you sadly because she loves the creature more than the Creator! – I am very glad that T. Una has her own cell, and a good one at that, because of the crowd there – the Lord consoled her a lot with this; but one cannot do without spiritual warfare and receive salvation. Wherever one is, there is a kind of sorrow and temptation that leads us to self-knowledge, to humility. I. M. March 30, 1842.

Letter 514

I don't know what effect my letter will have on you and your mother. "I do not find any other measure or means to extract you from the world. Everything is possible for God, but He does not work miracles unnecessarily, but tests our will. On your part, this will be the first step out of the world; you will not get away from reproach, you must prepare yourself for this. I have warned you against the deception of the enemy by arrogance, and I confirm this, by which he can harm more than vices, and so subtly that you cannot know his deceit. When you had a deal with the light, then you saw your weaknesses and defeats, through which you threw yourself into insignificance, grieving over it and beware: but now, having put away from you that battle, you will find another, more dangerous than the first, – arrogance; That is why I advise you not to abandon your studies, even the household part, which will concern you. Having written to you all that I found necessary, I entrust you to the protection of God and the Most-Pure Virgin Mother of God, – that they may arrange for you according to Their will. Mnogogreshny I. M. March 30, 1842.

Letter 515

The measure I propose to you to preserve yourself from worldly intrigues by changing your costume seems unsatisfactory to you. I do not argue against this, and when you find from it, instead of benefit, harm to yourselves, from the praise of men, then you can also wear your usual clothes, guarding yourself from thoughts, words, and deeds that harm your soul. I thought that you (as I heard from you), through the use of the light, received spiritual harm, then through a change of clothes you could distance yourself from it; but since it is not before you now, it remains at your will: either to follow my advice, or to follow your own reason. I still thought that black clothes could be for you a bridle against passions and an irretrievable renunciation of the world. But since my opinion has come out erroneously, I am not in the least compelling you to do so. Do not be afraid of the praise of men, but beware of your own or demonic praise, that is, arrogance or conceit. Of course, the monastery crackers and brushes would be better off wiping you, but time will not pass yet. And they are not visible to you now. Your sisters have experienced, they may know. I. M. May 16, 1842.

Letter 516

You took my surrender to your will and the discussion of changing your clothes as an insult on my part, and you yourself were offended by it. On the contrary, I have not been offended in the least, but have simply left it to your will when you find my opinion inconvenient and useless. I do not dare to insist on the law to anyone, but I give advice on their notification; but I cannot rely on it: do I truly think in accordance with the will of God; for I consider myself not yet to have attained the gift of reasoning, be calm. You are now clothed in dark garments; but will it be of any use? –Time will tell. I fear for you now more for the arrogance and vanity that may come to you, through external and internal praise, and for lack of temptations and sorrows, through which you would come to know your weaknesses and come to humility. In the monastery there is an abundance of all kinds, and there is no time for exaltation; and do not think that when you go to a monastery, you will be calm; – No, this is not the path that is acquired by those who are saved; but through many labors, temptations, sorrows and humility; and without the former, the expectation of rest is vain. The Holy Fathers offered us the path to salvation, walking on it with suffering feet, and not with joy; and even if anyone thinks that he has found eternal peace of mind, he should be afraid, according to the words of Isaac the Syrian. But it seems that the time has not yet come for you to enter the field of this battle; pray to God, He is able to lead you out of the darkness of the shadow of death that surrounds you in your mind. Because of the gathering of the people on feast days to the church of God, you do not need to distance yourself from it and be deprived of hearing the Divine Liturgy on such days; but you can withdraw from people by standing in a solitary place, regardless of their reproaches, and without fear of temptation. I. M. June 9, 1842.