I began to realize that, in the grand scheme of things, there was no real care and love in the Sea Org. All the "love" was performance-driven, and performance standards were often ridiculous. Of course, there were exceptions, sometimes genuine friendship arose between people against all odds, but this was just the exception, not the rule. Often, when such friendships were formed, every effort was made to separate people, as happened to Quentin and me. The real threat to Hubbard was not that there might be sex between us, but the friendship and emotional intimacy that developed between us. This separation from friends makes people feel isolated, even though they may be surrounded by hundreds of people in a cult environment.

In my opinion, the most effective thing an exit counselor can do when working with a Scientologist is to treat him with genuine concern. Scientologists, especially staff members, crave this kind of empathy. I can't stress that much enough. A compassionate, caring attitude is more likely to help a person break free from their mental prison than any information about the group. If you just give a person information, it won't work, because they will dismiss it as the lies of the "Vogue press."

I know this because I have lived in this environment for over five years. The main key to freeing a person from this cult is empathy. This is true of all cults, but especially of Scientology, where there is not even a hint of such feelings in the upper echelons. Showing empathy can be the key to breaking through the cult self to the real self. When an emotional connection is established, you can give them facts and help them see the way out of the trap.

The friendship that the Church of Scientology was never able to destroy was the friendship between Quentin and me. We continued to write to each other. In September, I received a letter from him saying that he was going through a difficult period. He was removed from auditing for "mistakes" made with a preclear who had cancer. Quentin desperately tried to help this man, but nothing worked. The letter was written in a very depressed tone. He sent me a photo, saying that it was a souvenir. I was very worried that he might try to commit suicide again and immediately wrote a response. I wrote that I was worried that he might feel like he had to kill himself, and if he had something like that in his mind, he might call at any time and talk about it.

On October 12th, I received the last letter from Quentin. He asked me not to worry, he would never try to commit suicide again. Things seemed to be going uphill for him. He wrote a proposal to his father, asking for unlimited leave so that he could enroll in flight school and study. It seemed to me that if this request was not approved, he would leave Scientology, which would be difficult for him. He will have to cut himself off from his parents and the only life he knew. I was determined to support him as much as I could if he so decided. Once again, I replied to the letter immediately. This time I didn't get a response. For the next eight months, I continued to send letters, hoping that they would reach him. I thought that maybe his parents found out that he was writing to me and made him stop receiving my letters. Since I had left Scientology, I was considered a suppressive person, and no Scientologist in good standing was allowed to associate with me, but that didn't stop Quentin. It occurred to me that the worst could have happened, and Quentin committed suicide, but I kept writing.

I've had many dreams about Quentin and Scientology. For a year, every night I had nightmares about this group, in which I ran away from Scientologists who were trying to get me back. Sometimes I dreamed of escaping from prison. A year later, I began to have such dreams less and less often.

In June 1977, I received a phone call from Chuck Ol, who worked in the custodians' office. He told me that Quentin had died in October. According to him, Quentin was found in a coma in his car near the airport in Las Vegas. The cause of death is "unknown" and Mary Sue has ordered a full investigation into his death. Chuck wanted to know if Quentin had called me or tried to make contact with me. I was stunned. I've felt like something had happened for a long time, but the message just shocked me. I told Chuck that Quentin had written to me shortly before his death, and that I would send him copies of the letters and do everything I could to help the investigation. I felt that his mother had a right to know what had happened to her son. I knew that she loved him very much. I made copies of the letters and sent them to Chuck.

Most recently, I spoke with a man who was in Florida at the time Quentin left for Las Vegas. She had very little information about what had happened to him. I asked her if his request for admission to flight school had been approved, and she replied that as far as she knew, no. He was just going on another three-week vacation and had to come back. I am now convinced that Quentin committed suicide.

By the time I heard this sad news, I had resumed my studies at the University of Michigan and were well on my way to a new life. I felt very sorry for Quentin, but I vowed that I would do everything in my power to live my life to the fullest. Since leaving Scientology, I have never taken my freedom for granted. I knew how precious it was, because for more than five years I had lived without it. Quentin died, but I had my whole life in front of me, which I would live as well as I could, in honor of Quentin and myself.

Fortunately, I had no problems at university, perhaps because I held a fairly high position in Scientology that required me to use my mind and make decisions, even if they were in the service of the group. I graduated from the University of Michigan with a 3.7 GPA, placing in the top 10% in my class.19

In July 1977, I received a call from Karen de la Carrière, who was one of my best friends at Flag. She was on assignment in Los Angeles and wanted to convince me to come back. She said that the organization had moved to a brand new complex, and that amazing things were happening. Harry Epstein, who was a commanding officer at the time I left, was removed from his post after he was found to be a "suppressive person." She said that because Harry was in charge when I left, I could return without any punishment, as I couldn't be blamed for leaving when such a "suppressive" person was in power. For a few seconds, I felt tempted. I didn't say yes to her, but I didn't say no either. I said I would think about it. When I hung up, I knew I would never come back. I was starting a new life, and it didn't look like anything had changed in the Moscow Organization. A week later, she called me back, and I told her that I would not return. That was the last time I spoke with anyone from Scientology.

I recently spoke with three former Scientologists who didn't leave until the early 1980s, all of whom were senior executives. They said that things were much better in Scientology in the late 1970s, especially when Hubbard's messengers came to power. They all agreed that I left on time. If anyone tries to tell you that the horror I went through in Scientology is no longer there, don't believe it, there are many people around who can attest that things have gotten even worse.

After graduating from the University of Michigan with a Bachelor of Arts degree, I moved to New York City in 1980. While on the one hand I was doing pretty well in life, on the other hand, what I had experienced in Scientology was still influencing me. Over the years, I tried several different specialties, but I did not make a career in any of them. Most of all, I was interested in psychotherapy. I studied at the Institute of Psychoanalysis for a year and a half, but did not complete the program. I had no learning difficulties, just lacked the motivation needed to complete the program, and I found an excuse to quit. Until recently, I didn't realize that my inability to advance in my career, especially in this field, was closely related to what I had experienced in Scientology. After all, my "success" in Scientology had led me to utter devastation, and I still had a deep, subconscious fear of striving for it. After all, any success I had in Scientology was only temporary and could be destroyed in an instant at any time at LRH's whim. Success meant for me to be destroyed. Now I understand this, I am able to reprogram my subconscious, and finally I begin to solve these problems. I plan to return to university to pursue a master's degree in social work. I am no longer in a cult and can achieve my goals without fear of being destroyed.

For the first time in years, I'm starting to feel like I was an enthusiastic, ambitious idealist at eighteen. This time, however, I know that no one will give me answers about life. I now realize that I have a mind that can guide me through the decisions I make in life, and I will never put anything or anyone above what I know and feel. Now I know what techniques are used for mind control, and I know that there are people in the world who, without the slightest remorse, will use these techniques to manipulate others. If I see a person or group using them, my connection with that person or group will immediately cease. My life and my mind belong to me, and I will never give them up again.