Most recently, I spoke with a man who was in Florida at the time Quentin left for Las Vegas. She had very little information about what had happened to him. I asked her if his request for admission to flight school had been approved, and she replied that as far as she knew, no. He was just going on another three-week vacation and had to come back. I am now convinced that Quentin committed suicide.

By the time I heard this sad news, I had resumed my studies at the University of Michigan and were well on my way to a new life. I felt very sorry for Quentin, but I vowed that I would do everything in my power to live my life to the fullest. Since leaving Scientology, I have never taken my freedom for granted. I knew how precious it was, because for more than five years I had lived without it. Quentin died, but I had my whole life in front of me, which I would live as well as I could, in honor of Quentin and myself.

Fortunately, I had no problems at university, perhaps because I held a fairly high position in Scientology that required me to use my mind and make decisions, even if they were in the service of the group. I graduated from the University of Michigan with a 3.7 GPA, placing in the top 10% in my class.19

In July 1977, I received a call from Karen de la Carrière, who was one of my best friends at Flag. She was on assignment in Los Angeles and wanted to convince me to come back. She said that the organization had moved to a brand new complex, and that amazing things were happening. Harry Epstein, who was a commanding officer at the time I left, was removed from his post after he was found to be a "suppressive person." She said that because Harry was in charge when I left, I could return without any punishment, as I couldn't be blamed for leaving when such a "suppressive" person was in power. For a few seconds, I felt tempted. I didn't say yes to her, but I didn't say no either. I said I would think about it. When I hung up, I knew I would never come back. I was starting a new life, and it didn't look like anything had changed in the Moscow Organization. A week later, she called me back, and I told her that I would not return. That was the last time I spoke with anyone from Scientology.

I recently spoke with three former Scientologists who didn't leave until the early 1980s, all of whom were senior executives. They said that things were much better in Scientology in the late 1970s, especially when Hubbard's messengers came to power. They all agreed that I left on time. If anyone tries to tell you that the horror I went through in Scientology is no longer there, don't believe it, there are many people around who can attest that things have gotten even worse.

After graduating from the University of Michigan with a Bachelor of Arts degree, I moved to New York City in 1980. While on the one hand I was doing pretty well in life, on the other hand, what I had experienced in Scientology was still influencing me. Over the years, I tried several different specialties, but I did not make a career in any of them. Most of all, I was interested in psychotherapy. I studied at the Institute of Psychoanalysis for a year and a half, but did not complete the program. I had no learning difficulties, just lacked the motivation needed to complete the program, and I found an excuse to quit. Until recently, I didn't realize that my inability to advance in my career, especially in this field, was closely related to what I had experienced in Scientology. After all, my "success" in Scientology had led me to utter devastation, and I still had a deep, subconscious fear of striving for it. After all, any success I had in Scientology was only temporary and could be destroyed in an instant at any time at LRH's whim. Success meant for me to be destroyed. Now I understand this, I am able to reprogram my subconscious, and finally I begin to solve these problems. I plan to return to university to pursue a master's degree in social work. I am no longer in a cult and can achieve my goals without fear of being destroyed.

For the first time in years, I'm starting to feel like I was an enthusiastic, ambitious idealist at eighteen. This time, however, I know that no one will give me answers about life. I now realize that I have a mind that can guide me through the decisions I make in life, and I will never put anything or anyone above what I know and feel. Now I know what techniques are used for mind control, and I know that there are people in the world who, without the slightest remorse, will use these techniques to manipulate others. If I see a person or group using them, my connection with that person or group will immediately cease. My life and my mind belong to me, and I will never give them up again.

[Latest news, August 1996: I have since graduated from university with a master's degree in social work, passed the licensure exam, and am now a certified mental health professional]

1 The language of Scientology in Russia is even more loaded than in English-speaking countries, for the reason that many fairly ordinary English words are used by Russian Scientologists without translation, for example: flank, craming (failure, cramming), etc. transl.

2 In the event that he publicly declares his withdrawal from Scientology – approx. transl.

3 Movement of the arrow to the right. It is customary for Scientologists to say "falls" – approx. transl.

4 The person in charge of auditors in the organization. He assigns certain processes and reviews the working minutes of sessions - approx. transl.

5 From the English cramming – note. transl.

6 From the English flunk – failure – approx. transl.