15 Ноября 1863 г.

243. О смене некоей инокиней места жительства

У М. Р. я смиренно прощения прошу, что я нездравым решением своим опечалил ея смиренную душу. Но когда мать Р. была у меня в келье, и говорила о своем намерении перейти в Н. монастырь, то хотя я и видел безполезность ея стремления, но противоречить ей в этом не стал, сказавши, что я Вашей свободы не стесняю, и не принуждаю жить в С., а также и не убеждаю переселиться в Н. и участь своего в этом иметь не желаю; а как ей угодно. Знаю, наверное, что который дьявол теперь ей не дает покоя жить в С., тот и в Н. еще более будет ее безпокоить, и влагать раскаяние о своей поспешности; то же самое и теперь прошу Вас передать ей, что я ей ни в чем не препятствую. Если она уже отправилась в С., то она там лучше успеет о своем перемещении устроить. А если она еще у Вас, то пусть дождется форменнаго ответа из С. иногда посетить убогую мою келлию, в которой и передам я ей обещанное в новую ея келлию на благословенье; о чем прошу ей сказать, а отвечать на два ея огромныя письма особенным письмом я не могу не по капризам, а по крайнему оскудению в моих силах, за что она извинила бы меня убогаго калеку.

25 Ноября 1863 г.

244. Себя грешнее всех человек считать должно

Возлюбленная о Господе!

Совестно мне, что редко пишу к Вам; но если письма мои неудовлетворительны, то молчание лучше бы всего.

I think that my present letter will hardly console you either. However, I dare to write.

Thanks be to the Lord! Now you have reached the new year. But it is sad to hear that the new year has not brought you anything new and joyful; for in the new year, as in the past, there are the same tormenting passions: despondency, melancholy, coldness towards all, contempt and contempt for all, murmuring for everything and blasphemy. And therefore, why suffer in this way, then you can withdraw, than do the monastery a small favor, since the character of someone can be after his heart? And if you decide to continue your stay in the holy monastery, then you must choose this decision not according to your ticket, but according to the inner conviction of your conscience, and live not for the destruction of your soul, which always grumbles about everything, but for its salvation by all good deeds, and above all by humility of yourself in spirit, so that in your humility the Lord may remember you. I am very sorry that you, reading the books of the Fathers, do not in the least nourish your soul with their spirit. St. Barsanuphius advises to have insanity, i.e. not to compare oneself with anyone, not in considering oneself wiser and more well-mannered, but in the fact that there is no one more sinful, stupid and intolerable than you. And St. Symeon the New Theologian in his 1st homily advises us to think not about our barony, but about insignificance, and always to say thus: Who am I, thinner? And how can I ascend to someone's cell? Will they not say to me: why has this vile proud woman come to defile my cell? And if you also loved to think of yourself in this way, then the Kingdom of God would not be far from you. At the beginning of my entry into the wilderness, like you, I myself had a most intolerable character, and my elder did not use anything to humble my stiff-neckedness; but nothing humbled my wretchedness so much as the annual cleansing of all the filthy latrines in the monastery several times, over the course of six years. And in addition to this, we were often sent with a basket along the roads to collect horse and cattle droppings to fertilize the gardens. And in the beginning, this holy obedience was not without grief and tears for me; But, finally, every year it became easier and easier. Thus, dear mother, without humility in spirit it is impossible to be saved; but humbly one cannot learn from words alone; practice is needed for someone to beat us and crush us, and beat out the fire, without which it is not easy to get into the Kingdom of God, which is acquired through many sorrows.

Perhaps this letter will seem like a Spanish fly to your sensitive heart; but for God's sake, do not cry out, for this is not written out of anger, but with a good thought, so as not to weaken the malignancy nestling in the heart. And after her, as an unskilled physician (i.e., a liar), I humbly ask for your merciful forgiveness, and permission, and holy prayers, in the hope of which I remain forever, with my love for you and with reverence, your benevolent pilgrim and most humble servant, the many-sinned J. Anthony.

January 20, 1853

245. A change of monastery can also serve for good

Beloved in the risen Christ our Saviour, my spiritual child.

God-loving and venerable in the Nuns M. M! Truly Christ is risen!