Smirnova A. O., November 24, 1846*

80. A. O. SMIRNOVA.

Naples. November 24 <n. st. 1846>

At last I have a letter from you, my friend Alexandra Osipovna! Great is God! That which was in your affliction will be turned into joy for you. Look brightly ahead: everything will be fine. God will arrange everything as best and as it should. If you were quite healthy, I would need you now in Petersburg, but your health, which is not yet fully strengthened, has compelled you to remain in Kaluga, and therefore this is a sure sign that I will need you even more inside Russia than in Petersburg. As for myself, I will say that my health, whether through your prayers or, perhaps, through the common friendly combination of the prayers of many people pleasing to God, who all the time prayed for me tirelessly, has recovered unexpectedly, completely contrary to the expectations[409] of even experienced doctors. I was too stupid to hide it from me. I was told that it was possible to prolong my life for a while, but there was no hope of much improvement in my health. And instead of that, I came to life, my spirit, and everything in me was refreshed. In front of me is beautiful Naples and the air is soothing and quiet. Here I stopped as if at some beautiful crossroads, waiting for a fair wind of God's will for my departure to the Holy Land. In this departure I am guided<s> by God's command, and I do not want to do anything of my own free will. And therefore I look at the arrangement of all the circumstances that contribute to this. This journey was intended to be undertaken in such a way that I would be able to do all that was necessary to set out on the road with a clear conscience. It was supposed to take place in no other way than in the community of people close to my soul and heart; I am not yet strong enough in spirit to be able to embark on such a journey alone. My soul is still weak and cannot pray as it would like to pray without the help of others. Now the delays of various kinds in connection with the printing of the book and my affairs in general in Petersburg stop the arrangement of all the circumstances conducive to the journey. Therefore, it is God's will that I postpone my departure for a while. All those people who also wanted to go this year have experienced various unforeseen delays*. Consequently, it is not yet God's will that I should go up on the road. As I look inside myself, I see that I am far from ready for this journey. I have not done much, much more, without which I will not be able to pray properly. My journey is not a simple worship. My journey is to ask for God's blessing<> for my feats in life, for those deeds and feats for which I have been given abilities by Him, which I should not have shown for the time being, but should have cultivated in myself first. A schoolboy, who has studied better than others, is still timid, thinking about the exam and the upcoming graduation; How can a schoolboy not be timid who feels that he has not yet studied negligently? But let God's will be done in everything! I don't know anything yet whether I'm going or not going this winter. But I do not waver in spirit, preparing to meet brightly everything that God's will determines for me. In Naples I am by the sea and waiting for the weather; stayed under the roof of Sofia Petrovna Apraksina. On the letters, put the Palazzo Ferandini or still poste restante.

All your G.

For God's sake, do not leave me notified< > of all that is done to you, even small fragments from the diary of your life!

On the back: Kalouga. Russie. To Her Excellency Alexandra Osipovna Smirnova. In Kaluga.

Tolstoy A. P., November 24, 1846*

81. A. P. TOLSTOY.

Naples. November 24 <n. st. 1846>

I hasten to write a few lines to you from Naples, where I arrived safely, although after a long journey. Naples is so beautiful and warm. My soul has become so sheltered and bright here that I have no doubt that it will be the same with you if you come here. How you will make your sister happy with your arrival! There are almost no Russians here; calm and warm, like nowhere else. The sun just warms the soul, not just the body. What a difference even with Rome, not only with Paris! I have not yet received any news or letters from Petersburg, but this does not bother me in the least; My soul looks brightly ahead; Everything will be beautiful, because everything will be as it pleases God, and God pleases only what is beautiful and what is good for our soul. Your niece, Nat<Allier> Vlad<Imirovna>*, is much better off against the state in which I saw her in Rome. The air aims, apparently. Write me a word or two about Ivan Petrovitch. I thought I would find him here by now; they worry about him. A fervent bow to the countess. For God's sake, do not forget to write a reply to this letter immediately, and declare everything that happens to you now. I wrote a letter to you from Frankfort*; I don't know if we got it. Your letter, with Ikonnikov's letter attached, came to me in a very strange way, at the moment when I was getting on the road. You say maybe it will come in handy for me. I don't understand in what sense. Ikonnikov advises you to go on a long journey in it. Is this not also your thought? Did you also mean to tell me by this that I should not go to Jerusalem now? Be that as it may, the circumstances are arranged in such a way that perhaps my train will certainly move away for a while. It is still stranger that almost all those people who, like myself, wanted to go this year, had unforeseen delays, some even turned back from the road. In any case, I am in no way guided in this matter by my own will, and I do not stubbornly go against everything, but I await the instructions of God, which will manifest themselves to me in the course of all the circumstances that contribute to my journey. I only know that it will be several <times> better than what the will of God invents, and if you look at yourself intently, you see at the same time that you are still far from being ready for this journey and that it is incomparably necessary to do more than I have done in order to go with the conscience of the deceased on this journey. God's mercy gave me the strength to do one thing, which I did not even think of doing in my weakness, both physical and mental; I believe that it will also give me the strength to do something else that will move me forward, that is, to be ready for the journey. But until the next letter! Goodbye, don't forget to answer.

All your G.

On the back: Paris. Son excellence monsieur le c-te Alexandre Tolstoy. Rue de la Paix, 9. Hôtel Westminster.